I first published the following resolutions about a year ago. Looking back over the year, I must admit that my performance in fulfilling them just sucked…
Be it hereby solemnly resolved that in 2011:
I will stop referring to my clinical oncologist and radiation oncologist as, respectively, Dr. Death and Dr. No;
No matter how early in the morning I may arrive at the “Name of Rich Oil Guy” Cancer Pavilion, I will park in a remote lot and leave the close-in parking spaces to patients who are currently ill;
When checking in for my next MRI, I will not grumble about completing the same form I’ve filled out on at least a dozen or so previous visits to fully disclose that, to the best of my knowledge, I have no body piercings or other metallic objects implanted anywhere in my anatomy;
I will not ask another MRI technician whether she found a brain during the course of my scan, nor will I crack another lawyer joke to a phlebotomist about the lack of blood available for drawing from my veins;
I will refrain from Googling obscure medical terms and phrases and thereby inducing a state of paranoid hypochondria, and, instead, ask the docs to explain stuff in layman’s terms before I leave their presence;
Acknowledging that I never ever would’ve been mistaken on the golf course for Freddy Couples, I shall cease and desist from using the Schwannoma tumor as an excuse for my uniquely ugly golf swing;
And, last but not least, I will be a more patient patient and stop whining about the relatively insignificant collateral damage I’ve incurred from treatments that probably saved my life.
Have a happy and healthy New Year!