Resolutionary Breakthroughs; A Year-end Update

I first published the following resolutions about a year ago. Looking back over the year, I must admit that my performance in fulfilling them just sucked…

Be it hereby solemnly resolved that in 2011:

I will stop referring to my clinical oncologist and radiation oncologist as, respectively, Dr. Death and Dr. No;

No matter how early in the morning I may arrive at the “Name of Rich Oil Guy” Cancer Pavilion, I will park in a remote lot and leave the close-in parking spaces to patients who are currently ill;

When checking in for my next MRI, I will not grumble about completing the same form I’ve filled out on at least a dozen or so previous visits to fully disclose that, to the best of my knowledge, I have no body piercings or other metallic objects implanted anywhere in my anatomy;

I will not ask another MRI technician whether she found a brain during the course of my scan, nor will I crack another lawyer joke to a phlebotomist about the lack of blood available for drawing from my veins;

I will refrain from Googling obscure medical terms and phrases and thereby inducing a state of paranoid hypochondria, and, instead, ask the docs to explain stuff in layman’s terms before I leave their presence;

Acknowledging that I never ever would’ve been mistaken on the golf course for Freddy Couples, I shall cease and desist from using the Schwannoma tumor as an excuse for my uniquely ugly golf swing;

And, last but not least, I will be a more patient patient and stop whining about the relatively insignificant collateral damage I’ve incurred from treatments that probably saved my life.

Have a happy and healthy New Year!

Happy New Year!

With thanks to all of you who’ve followed my silly blog this past year, I wish you a Happy (and healthy!) New Year and sign off for 2011 with a new version of the Traveling Wilburys’ “End of The Line”…



Well it's all right, hiding from sun in the breeze
Well it's all right, if you live the life you please
Well it's all right, doing the best you can
Well it's all right, as long as you make a stand

You can sit around and wait for the phone to ring
Waiting for some doc to tell you everything
Sit around and wonder what tomorrow will bring
Maybe a tumor fling

Well it's all right, even if they say you're gone
Well it's all right, sometimes docs gotta be wrong
Well it's all right, as long as you got something to say
Well it's all right, everyday is thankful day

Maybe somewhere down the road aways
You'll think of me, and wonder what I blog these days
Maybe somewhere down the road when insurance pays
Chemo haze

Well it's all right, even when push comes to shove
Well it's all right, since we got wonder new drugs
Well it's all right, everything'll work out fine
Well it's all right, we're going to the end of the line

Don't have to be ashamed of my scars and hide
I'm just glad to be here, happy to be alive
It don't matter if C’s by my side
I'm gratified

Well it's all right, even if you're skin is grey
Well it's all right, you still got something to say
Well it's all right, remember to live and let live
Well it's all right, the best you can do is forgive

Well it's all right, hiding from sun with your ‘screen
Well it's all right, if you live the life you please
Well it's all right, even if the sun don't shine
Well it's all right, we're going to the end of the line

A Boomer Goes Funky

Another request to go to the dark side of 70’s disco, Wild Cherry’s “Play That Funky Music”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qe1ScoePqVA


Yeah, once I was a boomer tanner…braisin’ with a freckled mole tan
I never had no problems, yeah…burnin' though from Celtic lands
And everything around me, yeah…got to start to feelin' so low
And I decided quickly [yes, I did]…to doctor down and check out the moles

Yeah, docs were scannin' and pokin' and fusin' till I’m pukin'
And just when it hit me somebody turned around and shouted

Spread that funky sunscreen white boy
Spread that funky sunscreen right
Spread that funky sunscreen white boy
Tear down that tan bad and wear that funky sunscreen till you die…
(hey,hey) till you die…yeah, yeah

Well, I tried to understand this…Yeah, huh, I thought that docs were out of their minds
How could they be so ghoulish, [How could they]…twenty-four the hours, a round behind
So still I kept on fightin'…Wow, fusin' every step of the way (Yeah, what'd you do?)
They said, "I must go back there"[Got to go back]…and check to see if things still the same

Yeah, docs were scannin' and pokin' and fusin' till I’m pukin'
And just when it hit me somebody turned around and shouted

Pay with IV fusin’ white boy
Pay with IV fusin’ right
Pay with IV fusin’ white boy
Lay down and boogie and pay with IV fusin’ lest you die…
Lest you die…(Yeah) Wow, lest you die

(Come on…Play some electrified sunscreen music)

[Hey, wait a minute] Now first it wasn't easy…writin' blogger posts so fine
And rock was getting flaky…I thought I'd have to leave it behind
Oh, but now its so much better [It's so much better]…I'm funkin out in ev-er-y way
But-I'll never lose that feelin' [No I won't]…Of how I learned my lesson that day

When docs were scannin' and pokin' and fusin' till I’m pukin'
And just when it hit me somebody turned around and shouted

Post that funky music white boy
Post that funky music right
Post that funky music white boy
Lay down Tom Petty and post that funky music till you die…
Till you die…oh, till you die

(They shouted, Post that funky music) Post that funky music
(Post that funky music) Got to keep on…Post that funky music
(Post that funky music) and toast that funky music
(Post that funky music) Wanna take ya higha now…

Stay with funky music white boy
Stay with funky music right, yeah

Stay with funky music white boy
Play that funky music right

Play that funky music white boy
Play that funky music right, yeah

An Ode to The FDA

The Food and Drug Administration’s idea of a “fast track” review that led to approval of Yervoy for certain Stage IV patients was a regulatory process that took about five years (and who knows how many dollars). Consequently, one can only wonder how long it will be before Stage III patients have any FDA-approved treatment option other than Interferon, which a lot of our docs think is only marginally effective in delaying, but not preventing, a recurrence.

Faced with a rather grim prognosis after receiving a Stage IIIc diagnosis and my doc’s opinion that Interferon wasn’t likely to significantly improve my odds, I opted for a biochemo clinical trial. It literally just about killed me before buying me eight years to date of remission, and I’d sure like to see some widely available and less toxic treatment options for newly diagnosed Stage III patients.

Clinical trials of Yervoy as an adjuvant treatment for Stage III patients are now underway so, FDA, please “get a move on” and do your job as quickly as possible. Maybe, just maybe, given the dearth of effective treatment options currently available, you bureaucrats ought to err on the side of speed and perhaps grant provisional approval for Yervoy (as you did with Avastin for breast cancer) pending continuing study of its effectiveness? If Yervoy becomes available to Stage III patients sooner rather than later, we just might see fewer melanoma deaths and bring down the drug’s enormous cost per dosage. When all the medical evidence is in, if Yervoy doesn’t prove effective then you can revoke its approval as you did with Avastin as a breast cancer treatment.

I’ll end this rant with a request, a new version of the Bee Gees’ “Jive Talkin’”…



It's just your jive stallin'. You're risking some lives, yeah.
Jive stallin', you’re making me sigh.
Jive stallin', new meds might do good, yeah.
Jive stallin', you’re sittin’ like wood.

Oh, dear ‘crats, you'll never know
Just what you mean to we.
Oh, dear ‘crats, you ask so much;
You're gonna take away my N.E.D.
With all your jive stallin', you're risking some lives, yeah.
Good druggin' might save some more lives.
More options might bring a new day.
It's just your jive stallin' that gets in the way.

Oh, dear ‘crats, you're so good at treating me like fool.
There you go with your fancy trials,
Leavin' me lookin' at that Stage IV cruel.
With all your jive stallin', you're risking some lives, yeah.
Jive stallin', you claim I’m not wise.
Jive stallin', I knew where I stood, yeah.
Jive stallin', new meds might do good.

You know now, drug trialin' is all very fine, yeah.
Jive stallin' just should be a crime.
And if there's somebody you'll love till you die,
Then all that jive stallin' might end loved one’s life.

Jive stallin', you're risking our lives, yeah.
Good druggin' might end Black C cries.
Nobody believes what we pay.
It's just your jive stallin' that gets in the way.

You know now, drug trialin' is all very fine, yeah.
Jive stallin' just should be a crime.
And if there's somebody you'll love till you die,
Then all that jive stallin' might end loved one’s life.

Ooh, jive stallin', jive stallin’, ooh, jive stallin'.

The Best of Your Drugs

Melanoma treatment is horrendously expensive, as my insurance company found out in 2003 when, thank goodness, it (eventually) agreed to pay for 20-some days of inpatient biochemotherapy. A contemporary case in point is Yervoy. It costs the whopping sum of $30,000 per dose, and $120,000 for the standard 4-dose course of treatment. I’m not here to defend the high price tag Bristol-Myers Squibb has placed on Yervoy, but I think the price has a whole lot to do with the many years and millions of bucks in research and development costs involved in bringing a new cancer treatment drug to market with FDA approval.

According to a BMS press release, the FDA’s approval of Yervoy in March, 2011 for treatment of Stage IV melanoma was the result of fourteen years of research and development. The FDA put Yervoy on its “fast track” approval process in 2006, but it still took another five years for the drug to receive approval. During that time, how many Stage IV melanoma patients died who might have benefited from Yervoy but didn’t receive it because they weren’t enrolled in one of the clinical trials?

BMS acquired ownership of Yervoy (Ipilimumab) in 2009, through a $2.1 billion acquisition of a smaller pharmaceutical company named Medarex. It’s been reported that Medarex’s research and development costs for Yervoy through its acquisition in 2009 were just over $300 million. How much additional money BMS spent to bring Yervoy to FDA approval in March, 2011 is, from what I’ve read, a number deeply buried in BMS’ financial statements, which don’t break out research and development costs for individual drugs.

I wish I knew how to make it a whole lot less time-consuming and expensive to make a new treatment drug like Yervoy available to all who might benefit. Somehow, I just can’t believe this is an insoluble problem. As a melanoma patient, I’m not sure I need or want any overzealous protection from the FDA-- because I’m willing to accept the risks that a treatment might kill me and that its effectiveness is promising but unproven when it’s almost certain that the disease will kill me if left untreated or treated by some other drug that is known to be ineffective. I’ve done that once already and I’d bet I’d do it again in a heartbeat. But all I know for sure is that as long as it takes fourteen years and hundreds of millions of dollars to develop a new melanoma treatment I’ll pray that I never find myself uninsured.

I’ll end this rant with my version of The Eagles’ “Best of My Love”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaO-kgG7eCQ


Every night I'm lyin' in bed
Holdin' C close in my dreams
Thinkin' about all the things my doc said
And comin' apart at the seams
We try to talk C over
But the words come out too rough
I know he is tryin'
to get me the best of all drugs

Critical cases in loud clinic places
Look at the days that we’ll give
Wastin' our time on research so fine
Left us so little to live
That old drug crowd
Was like a cold dark cloud
That we could never rise above
And here in my heart I wish you the best of all drugs
Oh C doctor I want the best of all drugs, oh
C doctor, I want the best of all drugs

I'm goin' back in time
And it's a sweet dream
Out in the UV light
But I should be all right
If I just go on screenin'
But every mornin'
I wake up and worry
What's gonna happen today
C sees it its way
And I see it mine
But we both see it chippin' away

You know we’ll always have each other Black C
I guess that’s more than enough
Oh, and here in my heart
I wish you the best of all drugs
Oh, C doctor
I want the best of all drugs
Oh, C doctor
I want the best of your drugs
Every night and day,
I want the best of your drugs
Oh, C doctor we need the best of all drugs
Oh, C doctor we need the best of all drugs..

An Insurance Carol

The Hotel Melanoma Christmas Album just wouldn’t be complete without a song dedicated to the health insurance industry, so here’s my version of “Frosty The Snow Man” from The Ronettes…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tw23pVOBE8s


Frosty, the “no” man
Has a stingy nasty goal
With our claims in line and a dozen no’s
He denies them with no soul

Frosty, the “no” man
Is a computer they say
He is made of “no”
And the patients know
How he’ll end their lives one day

There must have been some magic
In that cold steel bat they found
For when they whacked it on his head
He began to find pay grounds

Frosty, the “no” man
Has our lives in front of he
And we patients pray
That our claims he’ll pay
Just in time for you and me

Frosty, the “no” man
Knew the phones were hot that day
So he said, "Please hold
I’ll let you grow old
Now before I deny pay”

Claims he will pillage
With a mouse click of his hand
Running here and there
All around what’s fair
Saying, "Catch me if you can"

He’ll grind us down
Hopes we give ground
Scheming our claims we’ll drop
And he likes to cause some moments
When he hears us holler, "Stop"

Frosty, the “no” man
Has no hurry till he pays
And he says goodbye
Saying, "I’ll deny,
Please call back again next day"

A Christmas Message From The Chaplain

A guest post from the Hotel Melanoma Chaplain, Rev. Carol Taylor, to the tune of
“Let There Be Peace on Earth”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPH4LRASWbo


Let earth be cancer-free, and may it begin with you,
Let earth be cancer-free, a freedom the whole world through.
With God our Creator, siblings all are we,
Let me walk with my siblings; may they be cancer-free.

Let earth be cancer-free, let this be our prayer right now,
With every breath we take, let this be our solemn vow,
To take each moment and live each moment as we were meant to do.
Let earth be cancer-free, and let it begin with you.

Let earth be cancer-free, and may it begin with you,
Let earth be cancer-free, a freedom the whole world through.
With God our Creator, siblings all are we,
Let me walk with my siblings; may they be cancer-free.

Let earth be cancer-free, let this be our prayer right now,
With every breath we take, let this be our solemn vow,
To take each moment and live each moment as we were meant to do.
Let earth be cancer-free, and let it begin with you.

Merry Christmas

The Hotel Melanoma version of Bob Marley's "Feliz Navidad"...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAGYfc04Mgk


Puh-lease wear skin block,
Puh-lease see skin doc,
Puh-lease check mole spots,
próspero ano y felicidad.
Puh-lease don’t tan lots,
Puh-lease Black C not,
Puh-lease don’t glow hot,
próspero ano y felicidad.

I wanna wish you a tan-free Christmas,
I wanna wish you a scan-free Christmas,
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas,
from the bottom of my heart.

Puh-lease find a cure,
Puh-lease pink endure,
Puh-lease do insure,
próspero ano y felicidad.
Puh-lease wear your black,
Puh-lease plan attack,
Puh-lease donors back,
próspero ano y felicidad.

I wanna wish you a tan-free Christmas,
I wanna wish you a scan-free Christmas,
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas,
from the bottom of my heart.

And please have a happy and healthy New Year!

The Christmas Song

From Nat King Cole...



Tan nuts broasting on a UV pyre
Onc docs nipping at your toes
Drug trial perils being flung in the mire
And docs dressed up like Dr. No

Everybody knows some Yervoy and no scanner glow
Help to make the season bright
Tiny spots with their cells all a glow
Would make it hard to sleep tonight

We know that cancer's had its way
It's loaded lots of meds and medics on our pay
And every cancer trial is gonna try
To see if tumors really blow up and die

And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To mates whose cancer's got them blue
Although it's been said
Many times, many ways

Merry Christmas to you...

And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To mates whose cancer's got them blue
Although it's been said
Many times, many ways

Merry Christmas to you...

Happy Holidays!

A Christmas greeting from Jordan, to the tune of Bob Dylan’s version of “Little Drummer Boy”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcXW0Se4HMs


Come they told me
A ruff ruff ruff ruff
I had some surgery,
A ruff ruff ruff ruff
My finest sticks I bring
A ruff ruff ruff ruff
To lay before my king
A ruff ruff ruff ruff
A ruff ruff ruff ruff
A ruff ruff ruff ruff
So to honor him
A ruff ruff ruff ruff,
When I come.

Double bogeys
Dad golfed, golfed, golfed, golfed
He won some matches too,
A golf golf golf golf
He has no gift of swing
A rough rough rough rough
That's fit to win a thing
A rough rough rough rough
Lost in deep rough
Fun fun fun fun
Shall he play with you?
Handicap stuns
Less will come.

Mom did fly lots
A run run run run
On her employer’s dime
A run run run run
She hit Cancun in Spring
A rum rum rum rum
She runs on treadmill thing
A run run run run
Run run run run
A run run run run
Then she smiles at me
A ruff ruff ruff ruff
Maybe I’ll come.

Have a very Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year!

An Ode To Melanoma

With apologies to anyone who included this song in their wedding festivities, a request from one of my favorite molemates: a slightly warped version of Bette Midler’s “Wind Beneath My Wings…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9ZMDPf9hZw


You must have been hiding in the shadows,
I never got sunlight in that place.
You were content to take your time, that's your way.
You always lurked a step behind.

So I was the one in all sun’s glory,
While you were the one with all the strength.
A devilish face without a name for so long.
A devilish smile to hide your game.

Did you ever know you caused me chemo,
And everything doctors did to me?
I am still hurting from those needles,
And you put sunscreen upon my skin.

It might have for years gone unnoticed,
But I've got it all here in my chart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be bronzing without you.

Did you ever know you caused me chemo,
And everything doctors did to me?
I am still hurting from those needles,
And you put sunscreen upon my skin.

Did I ever tell you I hate chemo?
It’s everything, everything I wish I could flee.
Oh, and I, I got drugged higher than an eagle,
For meds were the wind beneath my wings,
Cause meds were the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, wind beneath my fling.
You, you, you, you were the wind beneath my fling.
Fry, fry, fry away. You let me fry on high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my fling.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my fling.

Fry, fry, fry high beneath the sky,
So high I almost bought long lie.
Dang you, dang you,
Dang Sol for you, the wind beneath my fling.

Tannin' Man

To the tune of “Southern Man” by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0cPE_C-YuA


Tannin’ man
Better keep your head
Don't forget
What your good doc said
Tannin’ change
Gonna come at last
Now it’s cost you
You’re learning fast
Tannin’ man

I saw chemo
And I wear black
Pale white man skin
And SP slacks.
Tannin’ man
When will you
Pay it back?
I learned screenin'
Felt nurse whips cracking
How long? How long?

Tannin’ man
Better ‘screen your head
Don't forget
What your good doc said
Tannin’ change
Gonna come at last
Now your bald head
Is burning fast
Tannin’ man

Jingle Bells,
My hair is grown back now
I'll stop this Black C
Comin' round
Swear by God
I'm gonna cut it down!
I preach screenin'
And tan beds lacking
How long? How long?

Some 'Bad Hair' Days

For all of you feeling a little sparse on the pate due to treatment, a reminiscence from this time in 2003 to the tune of Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young’s “Almost Cut My Hair”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXenEK0h6qg


I’ve almost lost my hair, it happened just the other day.
Drugs were gettin' kinda strong, I could've said it was ‘bad hair’ day.
But I didn't and I wonder why, I feel like letting my C flag fly,
And I feel like I owe it to some drugs.

Well, must be because I won’t have flu for Christmas though I'm not feeling up to par.
You know, it increases my paranoia, like looking in my mirror and seeing a tumor scar.
But I'm not givin' in an inch to fear. I promised myself this year.
I feel like I owe it to some drugs.

When I finally get myself together, I'm going to get down in that sunny Cancun weather.
And going to find a place inside to laugh, separate my riff from my raff.
'Cause I feel like I owe it to some drugs.

Mr. Tan-free Skin Man

To the tune of The Byrds’ “Mr. Tambourine Man”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06rGW0AQGiY


Hey Mr. Tan-free Skin Man, lay sunscreen on me
I’m not mole-free and, there ain’t good place I’m going to
Hey Mr. Tan-free Skin Man, lay sunscreen on me
Since my jingle jangle scanning, I’ll come followin’ you

Take me for your trip upon your magic chemo drip
All my clothing has been stripped
And my docs can’t right this ship
And my brain’s too numb to grip
Waiting only for, my brain scans to be comin’ in

I’m ready to go anywhere
I’m ready for to fade
Into my own pale state
Cast your ‘screening spell my way
I promise to go under it

Hey Mr. Tan-free Skin Man, lay sunscreen on me
I’m not mole-free and, there ain’t good place I’m going to
Hey Mr. Tan-free Skin Man, lay sunscreen on me
Since my jingle jangle scanning, I’ll come followin’ you

Infusin' All Night

Just a little lyrical nonsense to the tune of Traffic’s “Feelin’ Alright”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRcib2lcbjw


Seems I've got to have a change of ‘screen
Cause for four nights I’m in the strangest scene
Imprisoned by my nurse, can’t take a spin
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
But someone locked me down and restrained me

Infusin’ all night
I'm not feelin' too good myself
Well, infusin’ all night
I'm not feelin too good myself

But ole Sol sure cooked me to leather hide
And even now I sit and wonder why
But when I think of tans I start to cry
I just can't waste my life I must not fry
Gotta stop believing that tan’s a prize
Cause there's too much to do before I die

Infusin’ all night
I'm not feelin’ too good myself
Well, infusin’ all night
I'm not feelin' too good myself

Don't get too lost in bronze I say
Though at one time I really loved my rays
But that was then and now it is today
Sun’s still up there and so I'm pale to stay
Till' some cure comes along and wins the race
With a NED name and yes a NED grace

Infusin’ all night
I'm not feelin’ too good myself
Well, infusin’ all night
I'm not feelin’ too good myself

Infusin’ all night
I'm not feelin’ alright

Well I hope you’re feelin’ alright
I'm not feelin’ too good myself

I'm not feelin’ too good myself
I'm not feelin’ too good myself

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

David Bowie’s “Changes”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pl3vxEudif8


Oh yeah
Mm
Still don't know what I was tanning for
And my moles were running wild
A million cells afleet and
Every time I thought they’d made C fade
It seemed next scan was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face Thee
But I've just now caught a glimpse
Of how this cancer can’t beat our Maker
He’s much too vast to lose that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face the change
(Ch-ch-Changes)
Can’t hope to be a superman
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face the change
(Ch-ch-Changes)
Just gonna have to be a different man
C may change me
But I can break free

I watch the doctors extend lives
But never dam the stream
Of life’s impermanence
So my eyes look for the prize
But still life’s days can’t be waste
And these doctors that we count on
As they try to find our cures
Are in tune to our limitations
They're quite aware of what we're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
We’ll embrace the change
(Ch-ch-Changes)
Don't tell us to move on and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face the changer
(Ch-ch-Changes)
Where's its shame
C’s left us up to our necks in it
C may change we
But we can break free

Strange fascination, fascinating C
Ah changes are making the race we’re going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the change)
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, come out you Black C molers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the change)
Ch-ch-Changes
Pretty soon now we’re gonna live bolder
C may change we
But we can break free
I said that C may change we
But we can break free

Yearning To Fry

My skin tone and hair color are starting to converge, and I don’t much like it. But is that a stupid and petty thing to get bothered about, or what? At least I won’t be looking like a raccoon after a day on the ski slopes this season. Still, I do sometimes miss basking on a sunny deck with an après ski brew without first reapplying SPF 2K and a ball cap. Waaahhhh!

Here’s one to crank up a winter Monday, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers’ “Learning to Fly”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5BJXwNeKsQ


Well I started out down a paler road
Tan is out, cancer’s blown
And my sun went down since I got this thrill
When my scans lit up, my world got still

I'm yearning to fry, but I wear that ‘screen
Spurning brown is the hardest thing

Well the good ol' rays may not return
But my docs won’t yelp and my skin won’t burn

I'm yearning to fry, but I wear that ‘screen
Spurning brown is the hardest thing

Well some say pale will beat C down
Break its heart, steal its crown
So I'm hanging out where sun don’t glare
My scans won’t glow and docs won’t scare

I'm yearning to fry, without sun shrouds
But this ol’ Yup must not brown

I'm yearning to fry, but I wear that ‘screen
Spurning brown is the hardest thing

A Christmas Wish

Just my version of Tony Bennett’s “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIw8GtW3OJY


Cancer’s future is far away
Cancer’s past is past
Cancer’s present is here today
Bring Yervoy that will last

Have yourself a very good prognosis,
Let your moles be right
From now on,
Your tumors will be out of sight
Have yourself a very good prognosis,
Make your skin doc gay,
From now on,
Our surgeons will take moles away.

Here we are from those bronzin’ days,
Happy bronzin’ days of yore.
Fateful tans that were dear to us
Gather fear to us once more.

Through the years we all will ‘screen together
We’re molemates for now
Hang a black ribbon upon the highest bough.
And have yourself a very good prognosis now.

You Got To Change Your Tanning Ways

To the tune of Santana’s “Evil Ways”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdjeQUJwFk8


You’ve got to change your tanning ways… baby
Before oncs start loving you.
You’ve got to change… baby
And every word that I say, it’s true.
You should be ‘screenin, not frying
Tanning bed clown.
You’ll have docs scanning and seeking
And drugging you down
This can’t go on…
Lord knows you got to change… baby.

When you get brown… baby
Your moles will grow and your skin gets old
You’re hanging ‘round… baby
In clinic halls with a doc or two
You’re getting tired of waiting and ‘fusin more rounds
You’ll find some doctors, who will make you come to hate brown
This can’t go on…
Lord knows you got to change

When you get brown… baby
Your choice is stark and the odds are cold
You’re hanging ‘round… baby
With cancer docs and that chemo flu
You’re getting tired of waiting for scan results now
You’ll find insurance, that won’t pay your claims and you’ll drown
This can’t go on…
Lord knows you got to change

Yeah … Yeah … Yeah …

Wake Up Cancer, I Think I Got Somethin' To Say To You

Rev. Carol Taylor, the pro bono Chaplain here at the Hotel Melanoma and host of the Melanoma Prayer Center page on Facebook, has started a completely private online melanoma discussion group. I’m a recovering attorney and have the luxury of saying just about anything I want about melanoma without worries about the potential fallout in my career. Witness this blog, where I’ve said so many things that would’ve gotten me fired long ago. The truth is, if I was still practicing law this blog wouldn’t exist. (My rather frank post about “chemo brain” could’ve resulted in a visit from the law firm’s managing partner and an earlier-than-expected retirement.) And I don’t have to put up the “fortress of strength” front for young kids. But I suspect that a whole lot of residents of this Hotel, guys in particular, don’t feel they can talk openly and honestly about this freakin’ disease and how it’s affecting their lives. So, if you’re one of those folks and would be interested in participating in a private discussion forum, contact Carol through the Melanoma Prayer Center link on the right side of this page.

I’ll sign off with my version of Rod Stewart’s “Maggie May”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvEBgjSAUSE


Wake up Cancer, I think I got something to say to you
It's mid-December and I really am a bloggin’ fool
I know I keep you amused but I feel I'm being used
Oh Cancer, I shouldn't have fried any more
You led me away from home just to save you from being alone
You stole my health and that's what really hurt

The morning sun when it's in my face really shows my age
But that don't worry me none, still alive is everything
I laugh at all of my jokes, my blog you didn't need to coax
Oh Cancer, I shouldn't have fried any more
You led me away from home, just to save you from being alone
You stole my moles and that's a pain I can do without

All I needed was some meds to lend a healing hand
But you turned into a devil and
mother what a devil, you wore me out
All you did was wreck my bed
and in the morning kick me in the head
Oh Cancer, I shouldn't have fried anymore
You led me away from home 'cause you didn't want to be alone
You stole my health, I couldn't leave you if I tried

I suppose I could collect my wits and turn my back on you
Or steal some sunscreen goo and make a living out of guardin’ pools
Or find myself a Black C mole band that needs a helpin' hand
Oh Cancer, I wish that I'd never seen your face
You made a first-class fool out of me
But I was bronzed as a fool can be
You stole my health but they’ll cure you any day

Cancer, I wish I'd never seen your face
I'll get on back home one of these days

Looking For A Cure

My oncologist was recently quoted as follows: “The reality is that this cancer will probably find a way around most drugs. Although we are always searching for a cure, it may be more realistic to turn cancer into a chronic disease, like diabetes, that you don’t cure but rather you manage.” The reality is that he’s probably right.

But perhaps the quest for a melanoma cure is like many of the journeys we take in life, towards destinations we’ll probably never reach. Unshakeable faith, the perfect marriage, unconditional love of others, a balanced federal budget and a sub-par round of golf are among the worthy goals we may strive for in life but will likely never attain. Nevertheless, the hope that maybe, just maybe we will is what keeps us plodding and striving along, and to lose that hope would be akin to losing a chunk of one’s human soul. Somehow, the search for “manageability” just doesn’t resonate and inspire. So, please don’t leave your hope for a cure at the check-in desk at the Hotel Melanoma; keep it, treasure it, and, above all, share it!

To the tune of U2’s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”…



We have worn blackest ribbons
We have run through the streets
Only for cure for you
Only for cure for you
We have shared
We have blogged
We have roamed those clinic halls
Those clinic halls
Only for cure for you

But we still haven't found what we’re looking for
But we still haven't found what we’re looking for

We have kissed chemo’s lips
Felt the healing in our fingertips
It burned like a fire
This burning desire

We have prayed for help from angels
We have fought the hand of this devil
We are worn from the fight
We are bold with unknown

But we still haven't found what we’re looking for
But we still haven't found what we’re looking for

We believe someday cancer’s done
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
’Til then we’re still running

We’ll break C’s bonds
And we’ll loose its chains
Carry the cross
Of our pain
Oh our pain
You know we believe it

But we still haven't found what we’re looking for
But we still haven't found what we’re looking for
But we still haven't found what we’re looking for

Cancer Doc Rock

To end this year’s Hotel Melanoma Christmas Album (“A Skin-deep Christmas”), here’s one from the 50’s-- Bobby Helms’ “Jingle Bell Rock”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWXqmukiD3U


Cancer doc, cancer doc, cancer doc rock
Cancer docs probe and cancer docs scope
Scannin', examinin’ up bushels of fun
Now the cancer clock starts to run

Cancer doc, cancer doc, cancer doc rock
Cancer docs arrive in cancer doc time
Diagnosin’, prognosin’ is cancer doc’s fare
There’s confusion there!

What a bright time, it's the right time
To rock the night away
Cancer doc time is a swell time
To go scannin’ on a two-scan day

Hurry-up cancer doc, slow down C’s speed
Workin’ around the clock
Shoot Interferon for Black C’s defeat
That's the cancer doc rock

Cancer doc, cancer doc, cancer doc rock
Cancer docs treat and cancer docs meet
Speakin', conferrin’ at cancer doc fair
Academics there!

What a bright time, it's the right time
To rock the night away
Cancer doc time is a swell time
To go ‘fusin' in an IV way

Hurry-up cancer doc, cancer defeat
Searchin’ around the clock
Cure melanoma, a wonderful feat
That's the cancer doc
That's the cancer doc
That's the cancer doc rock

I'll Be Pale For Christmas

A few words of wisdom from Ol’ Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obiqf69MRLo


I'll be pale for Christmas
You can plan on me
Please check moles between your toes
And places sun can’t see

Christmas eve will find me
Where no sun light gleams
I'll be pale for Christmas
If only thanks to ‘screen

We'll be scanned for Christmas
We will plan CTs
Please don’t glow where PET scans show
And turn up cancer-free

Christmas eve will find me
Where no sun light streams
I'll be pale for Christmas
And dreamin’ Yervoy dreams…

The Twelve Days of Cancer

To the tune of Natalie Cole’s rendition of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9j5-SWXKhbM


On the first day of cancer,
I had a biopsy
One’s welcome to oncology.

On the second day of cancer,
My doctor gave to me
Onc referrals,
And the report on biopsy.

On the third day of cancer,
My surgeon gave to me
Lymph node scans,
Flimsy blue gowns,
And more fun with oncology.

On the fourth day of cancer,
My surgeon worked on me
Tumor removed,
Lymph node tests,
More referrals,
And more time with oncology

On the fifth day of cancer,
My onc docs gave to me
Five toxic things!
More Ativan,
Ultrasound,
Bad CT scan,
And they say that I’m now at IIIc.

On the sixth day of cancer,
My nurses threatened me
Chaplain’s a-praying,
Five toxic things!
Forms of restraint,
Free Zofran,
Two Code Blue bells,
And more time in oncology.

On the seventh day of cancer,
My onc docs said to me
Black C’s not a-winning,
Still cause for praying,
Five toxic things!
More scary words,
Three-month scans,
Insurance claims,
And more time with oncology.

On the eighth day of cancer,
My surgeon cut from me
Nerve tumor lurking,
Black C not in this thing,
Answer to praying,
Five toxic things!
More pain killers,
Still more scans,
Insurance paid,
And less time with oncology.

On the ninth day of cancer,
My surgeon said to me
Time to be glowing,
That things a-growing,
Radiation’s spinning,
More time for praying,
Five proton hits!
More swelling hurts,
Steroids then,
Insurance balks,
And radiation works for me.

On the tenth day of cancer,
My onc doc said to me
This trial’s a-winning,
Time to be dancing,
Beat odds of living,
Melanoma’s reeling,
Still time for praying,
Five years of Spring!
More six-month checks,
Clear brain scan,
I’m show-and-tell,
And embroidered gown is for me.

On the eleventh day of cancer,
My onc doc said to me
You’ve become very boring,
This trial’s a-winning,
Time for more dancing,
Ipi’s approving,
Zelboraf’s the new thing,
Still keep on praying,
Live is my thing!
More six-month checks,
No brain left,
Insurance stays,
And still stuck in oncology.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
Please hear this patient’s plea
No scanners drumming,
MRI’s still not my thing,
No cancer creeping,
No nurses threat’ning,
No days infusing,
No more scans a-glowing,
I’ll keep on praying,
Life’s golden ring!
No CT scans,
No Zofran,
Insurance pays,
And the docs say I’m still NED!

Rockin' Around The Chemo Suite

To the tune of Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6xNuUEnh2g


Rockin' around the IV tree
Let the chemo party stop,
Nasty moles where you can’t see,
Cancer doctor tries to stop,
Rockin' around the chemo suite,
Let those toxic spirits sting,
Later we'll use some sunscreen high,
And we'll do that paler thing.

You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear,
Voices singing, "Tan was folly,
Check my moles and make me jolly",
Rockin' around the IV tree,
Have a happy chemo day,
Everyone testing merrily,
In the new bold B-RAF way.

You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear,
Voices singing, "Tan was folly,
Check my moles and make me jolly",
Rockin' around, we’re Black C free,
Have a happy tan-free day,
Everyone screenin' merrily,
In the high SPF way.

If Elvis Could Still Sing

To the tune of Elvis Presley’s rendition of “Here Comes Santa Claus”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wA6KixVCCik

It’s our cancer cause, it’s our cancer cause,
Some times it’s in vain
Komen is pinkin’ and all those runners
Getting all the fame
Black world’s cringin’, pink is winnin'
Black’s not merry and bright
Keep on blogging and say your prayers
'Cause Black’s cause is so right!

Here come tanning flaws, here come tanning flaws,
Right down cancer doc’s lane
Doc's got a bag that's filled with meds
For boys and girls who braised
Hear nurse call bells jingle jangle,
Oh a preventable sight
So jump in bed and cover your head
'Cause Ipi time comes tonight!

Here comes cancer doc, here come cancer doc,
Right down chemo suite lane
He doesn't care if you're rich or poor
He drugs you just the same
Cancer doc knows we're all sun children
Who burned everything bright
So fill your hearts with chemo cheer
'Cause cancer doc treats us right!

Burn those tanning beds, burn those tanning beds
Stop that tanning bed pain
We’ll all rejoice when the pale wins out
And we’re sunscreen ‘born again’
Black C’s death will come for all
If we just sunscreen for life
So lets give thanks to the Lord above
That tanning beds burn tonight!

Cancer Island

For all who are spending this season undergoing treatment, some twisted lyrics to sing along with Jimmy Buffett’s rendition of one of the dumbest Christmas songs ever written, “Christmas Island”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCDWt7aVMVI


Let's go away to stay well
Let's put away bad moles
Let's take a break from Christmas cheer
I know the place to go

How'd you like to spend Christmas on Cancer Island?
How'd you like to spend the holiday all day in chemo suite?
How'd you like to spend Christmas on Cancer Island?
How'd you like to hang your future on a great big IV pump tree?

How'd you like to stay up late ‘cause the nurses wake you?
Wait for nurses to sail in with your dinner in IV’s too
If you ever spend Christmas on Cancer Island
You will never stray ‘til the blessed day your remission comes true

How'd you like to stay up late while the doctors check you?
Wait for Chaplain to sail in with your last rites ‘cause you’re near through
If you ever spend Christmas on Cancer Island
You will always pray for the blessed day your healing dreams come true

On Cancer Island, your dreams come true…

A Yuletide Wish

To the tune of The Beach Boys’ rendition of “White Christmas”…



I'm dreaming of no fried Christmas,
Just like the ones I hope to know.
With no beach babes sizzlin’,
When young folks listen
And fear PET scans all aglow.

I'm dreaming of no fried Christmas,
With every Christmas song I write,
"May your scans be merry, not bright,
And may all your Christmases be live".

I'm dreaming of a pale Christmas,
Just like the ones I’d like to know.
Where the sunscreen glistens,
And Black C’s missin’
’Cause docs learned to end its show.

I'm dreaming of ‘no fright’ Christmas,
With every Christmas blog I write,
"May your moles be normal and right,
And may all your Christmases be bright".

A Voracious, Bodacious Christmas

I completed biochemotherapy treatments a few days before Thanksgiving 2003, and about two weeks or so later my appetite returned with a vengeance. I was looking more than a bit skeletal at this point, so my oncologist’s instructions were “if it tastes good, eat it, and don’t worry about your cholesterol”. I gladly complied. How often does a fifty-year-old guy get a culinary green light from a physician, particularly during the holiday season?

I don’t recall whether a Swiss Colony Beef Log was one of the many, many unhealthy items I consumed during that season of feeding frenzy. But since our Hotel Melanoma chaplain dared me to do South Park’s song about that Christmas delicacy, I just can’t say no…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFhABBXvXDk


Clothing is hung on a thin me
And the snowflakes are fallin’ on trees.
And my wife’s in the kitchen
Making some shots for me.
My brain is covered in fog
And neurons are not alight
But as I stagger through this quiet house
Something just doesn't seem right

You see, every year the boss man sends us
A Swiss Colony Beef Log.
But the job isn’t around (around, around)
And there's no beef log to be found this year.

Christmas, isn't Christmas
Without a Swiss Colony Beef Log.
Without those cheeses and meat
I don't think I can get along.
My doctor tries to comfort me
He says 'Here son, have some Ensure'
I freakin’ hate Ensure, seriously…

But what do I see?
Underneath our tree?
In-laws sent a Swiss Colony Beef Log
Just for me! aaah, aaaaah, aaaaaah, in-laws!

Swiss Colony Beef Log, baby
That's what Christmas is all about!
A roly-poly Colony Beef Log, daily
Makes a boomer boy scream and shout!

Deck the halls with with boughs of Swiss Colony.
Fa-la-la-la-la, laa-laa-laa-laaaa! ..sweet!

Just Skin Cancer

Just a little Christmas Polka music-- from Bob Dylan’s Christmas album (yes, he really did record one just a few years ago and I bought it on sight)-- my version of “Must Be Santa”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8qE6WQmNus


What is a mole that’s long on fright
That's long on fright?
Black C’s from a mole
That's long on fright

What comes around
From the UV light?
Black C comes around
From the UV light

UV light
Long on fright

Just skin cancer
Just skin cancer
Just skin cancer
It’s our cause

What scares you
With a load of dread?
Black C scares you
With a load of dread

What turns those doctors
On their head?
Black C turns those doctors
On their head

Docs on head
Load of dread
UV light
Long on fright

Just skin cancer
Just skin cancer
Just skin cancer
It’s our cause

What’s gonna make
black new pink?
Black C’s gonna make
Black new pink

What makes you say
Think, Think, Think?
Black C makes you say
Think, Think, Think!

Think, Think, Think
Black new pink
Docs on head
Load of dread
UV light
Long on fright

Just skin cancer
Just skin cancer
Just skin cancer
It’s our cause

What very soon
May come your way?
Black C very soon
May come your way

Pink’s got the sponsors
Pay, pay, pay
Black C’s needs some sponsors
Look our way

Sponsors pay!
Come your way
Thin Think, Think
Black new pink
Docs on head
Load of dread
UV light
Long on fright

Just skin cancer
Just skin cancer
Just skin cancer
It’s our cause

Dash it, damn it
Lance it, fix it
Bomb it, cure it
Don black
And witness

Sponsors pay
Come your way
Think, Think, Think
Black new pink
Docs on head
Load of dread
UV light
Long on fright

Just skin cancer
Just skin cancer
Just skin cancer
It’s our cause

All I Want For Christmas Is A Clear Brain Scan

From Alvin & The Chipmunks…



Doc: “What’s the matter, patient, you don’t look happy? Why?”
Patient: “Oh, Doc, you know”
Doc: “But you got all those expensive treatments, wasn’t that trial what you wanted?”
Patient: "All I want for Christmas
Is a clear brain scan,
My skin ain’t tan,
Hope my cancer ran!

Gee, if I could only
Have a clear brain scan,
Then I could wish you
"Merry Christmas."
It seems so long since I could play
Jimmy Buffett, lounging on a beach chair
Gosh oh gee, how happy I'd be,
If I could only sizzle.

All I want for Christmas
Is a clear brain scan,
My skin ain’t tan,
Need insurance plan.
Gee, if I could only
Have those tan beds banned,
Then I could wish you
"Merry Christmas!"

It seems so long since I could say,
'Hey Bartender, one more Margarita!'
Gosh oh gee, how happy I'd be,
If I could only sizzle (ssssss, ssssss)

All I want for Christmas
Is prescriptions banned,
No more Zofran,
Toss my Ativan.

Gee, if I could only
Have insurance plan,
Then I could wish you
Merry Chris, Chris, Chris, a Happy New Year!"

Run Run Boomer

It’s been snowing here and I’m working on my Grinch attitude in preparation for the Holidays. So here’s my version of Justin Bieber’s-- OMG!!, LOL!!!, brain freeze – I mean Chuck Berry's “Run Run Rudolph”…



Like a lot of boomers you know you’re the chemo kind
Run, run boomer, Black C ain’t too far behind
Run, run boomer, Doctor’s got to make all his rounds
Doctors make him worry, tell him he must take the UV’s down
Run, run boomer ‘cause you’re whirlin’ on a merry-go-round

Said Doctor to his patient what have you been longing for??
All I want for Christmas is a normal mole and no more scars
And then away went that mole a whizzing like a shooting star
Run, run boomer, Doctor’s gonna make C go down,
Doctor’s lookin’ worried, sayin’ you must take some chemo rounds
Run, run boomer, reeling like a merry-go-round

Run, run boomer, Doctor's gonna lose you some pounds
Doctor's says to worry, chemo's gonna give you lotsa frowns
Run, run boomer, chemo's like a merry-go-round

Said Doctor to his patient what would please you most to get??
A normal MRI that will show brain’s well kept
And then away went scanners a whizzing like a Saber jet
Run, run boomer, Doctor’s gonna cause you no frowns
Doctor says “no worries”, sayin’ you can party Christmas down
Run, run boomer cause you’re livin’ on a merry-go-round

Tingle Spells

It’s been brought to my attention that I’ve done some awfully serious posts lately. But not today. To kickoff the Christmas Season here at the Hotel, a new take on Jimmy Buffett’s version of “Jingle Bells”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsVuVByfv2Y


Tingle spells, tingle spells, tingle night and day
Oh, what fun there is to come when your doctor’s on the way, Hey!
Tingle spells, tingle spells, tingle all the day
Oh, what fun is Hotel rum on a Black C scanning day

We're dashing to the show in a high-horse Chevrolet
And o'er the roads we go a-laughin' all the way
The bells on radar ring, they're making police bright
What fun it is to ride and sing our scanning song tonight

Oh, tingle spells, tingle spells, tingle night and day
Oh, what fun it is to run through a cancer center day, Hey!
Tingle spells, tingle spells, tingle all the day
Oh, what fun is Hotel rum on a cancer center day

Few years or so ago I thought I'd take a run to beach in Mexico
I be hangin' in the sun
The radio was loud, the tourists oiled and fried
And all I had to do that day was fry on both my sides

Oh, Tingle spells, tingle spells, tingle night and day
Oh, what fun there is to come on this Hotel’s closing day, Hey!
Tingle spells, tingle spells, tingle for that day
Oh, what fun, we’ll all drink rum when this Hotel’s gone away