You Better Shop Around

My radiation “cancerversary” last Friday turned out just fine, Mr. Schwannoma hasn’t grown. But it was one of those days when being a patient at a large university medical center tests a patient’s patience, which I have very little of. A few of the highlights…

● I dutifully showed up in outpatient radiology, as instructed, at 10 a.m. for an 11 a.m. MRI, allowing ample time to complete that same form I’ve filled out with identical answers on a dozen or so past visits. Only to find out they were running 45 minutes or so late. But they didn’t want you to leave to go have breakfast or whatever, just in case they miraculously started running ahead of schedule. Eventually, they started herding small groups of us scan bangers down to inpatient radiology in the basement of the hospital next door. About all I can say about that place is that it obviously isn’t accustomed to working with conscious patients.

● I don’t know if it was mechanical failure, operator error, or that used Klingon cloaking device I picked up last week on eBay, but they didn’t get any images of Mr. Schwannoma after injecting the contrast dye. Despite the fact I spent well over an hour in the tube.

● But I made it with five minutes to spare for my 1 p.m. appointment with radiation oncology. Which allowed ample time to complete the same medical history form I complete each and every time I go there. I just can’t help but wonder why the precise date of my last digital rectal prostate exam is relevant to treatment of a tumor next to my cervical spine. Do they share this information with the urology department, in hopes of taking advantage of a cross-selling opportunity?

● I had a rather lengthy and perplexing conversation with my favorite radiation oncologist, who isn’t treating me for melanoma but nevertheless cares, about the appropriate follow-up on high-risk melanoma survivors who are currently in a NED status. He was the one who brought up the subject. All I can say about that at this juncture is that I’ve been having visions of chimps selecting a stock portfolio by throwing darts.

Feeling like a lucky but disgruntled patient today, I’ll sign off with The Hotel Melanoma version of Smokey Robinson’s “Shop Around”…



When I became of stage my doctor called me to his side
He said 'son you're glowing up now, pretty soon
You'll take a ride'...

And then he said...
'Just because you've become a mole man now
(Man, now)
There's still some things that you don't understand now
(Son, now)
Before you ask some onc for the plan now
(My son)
Keep ‘em treatin’ for as long as you can now'

My doctuh told me...'you better shop around'
(Shop, shop around) a-whoa-yeah
You better (uh-huh) shop around!
(Shop, shop around)
Uh-uh-uh

'There's some things that I want you to know now
(Uh-huh-...ooo)
A just as sure as skin thing’s gonna grow now
(Uh-huh-...ooo)
The new things come and the old things gonna go now
(Uh-huh...ooo)
Before you tell 'em that you want 'em so now
My doctuh told me...'you better shop around'
(Shop, shop around) whoa-yeah
You better (uh-huh) shop around
(Shop, shop around)

'A-gotta get yourself some ‘pinions son
Don't be sold on the very first one
A-nifty cures come a dime a dozen
A-try to find onc who's gonna give ya true druggin'
(Uh-huh...ooo)
'Before you pick a cure and say I do now
A-make sure it’s the one fits-a you now'
My doctuh told me
(You better shop around)

(ooooooh)

'Try to get yourself some ‘pinions son
Don't be sold on the very first one!
(First one, first one)
A-nifty cures come a dime a dozen
A-try to find onc who's gonna give ya true druggin'
(Uh-huh...ooo)
Before you pick a cure and say 'I do' now
Make sure it’s the one fits a-you now
Make sure that this drug is true now
I'd hate to see you feelin' sad and blue now'
My doctuh told me
'You better shop around'
(Shop, shop around)
(Uh-huh 'don't let the first one get you')
(Shop, shop around)
On no,cuz I don't wanna see bad pictures
(Uh-huh shop, shop around)
Uh-huh 'before you let 'em hold your plight'
(Shop, shop around)
A-yeah-yeah (shop around)
'Make sure he knows right'
(Uh-huh, shop, shop around)
'Uh-huh before you let 'em make your plans my son'
(Uh-huh, shop, shop around)
'Understand my son'
(Uh-huh, shop, shop around)
'Get a scan my son'
(Uh-huh, shop, shop around)
'I know you can my son'
(Uh-huh, shop, shop around)
I love it
(Uh-huh shop, shop around)
A shop around...