Willing

I’m somewhat of a slacker at the Hotel Melanoma, having never (yet) ‘progressed’ beyond a Stage IIIc diagnosis and a single clinical trial. Consequently, I’m inspired on a daily basis by the spunk and endurance of my Stage IV mole mates who are fighting for their lives and undergoing a series of grueling treatments with vicious side effects. And never, ever giving up or “losing” their battles.

Hoping that I’ll have half the grit of these tough and spirited warriors if and when my time comes, and in tribute to all of them, here’s the Hotel Melanoma rendition of Linda Ronstadt’s “Willin”…



I been warped by sun rays, driven down C road
My prognosis murky, don't you know
But I'm still willin'

Fightin’ C road’s latest fright
I see my cancer’s malice in every scan light
Malice, Black C’s malice

And I've been from ‘feron to proton ther’py
To MDA for surgeon’s saw
Taken every kind of med that's ever been made
Checkin’ the black moles so I wouldn't get flayed
And if you give me sweet trials and time
And you show me drugs fine
And I'll be willin' to keep movin'

And I've been kicked by this thing, robbed by C fleet
Had my head stove in but I'm still on my feet
And I'm still willin'

And I’ve struggled with pokes from folks from medic show
Raked by someone every time I go to medic show
Ah but I'm still...

And I've been from ‘feron to proton ther’py
To MDA for surgeon’s saw
Taken every kind of med that's ever been made
Checkin’ the black moles so I wouldn't get flayed
And if you give me sweet trials and time
And you show me drugs fine
And I’ll be willin’ to keep movin’

A Country Monday

It occurred to me over the weekend that I’ve never butchered a classic country song for the melanoma awareness cause. And I suppose it’s high time that I did, so here’s a little ditty to the Black Beast, to the tune of Johnny Cash’s “I Walk The Line”…


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHF9itPLUo4



I keep a close watch on these parts of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ‘screen on for the fry that binds
Because you're mine, I lost tan lines

I find it very, very easy to be blue
I check my moles alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm in duel with you
Because you're mine, I block sun light

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep ‘screen on my hide both day and night
And healthiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I scan at times

You've got a way to keep C on my mind
You give me cause for drugs that I can't ‘bide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I had PICC line

I keep a close watch on mole mates of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I pick new friends out for C tie that binds
Because you're mine, I blog these lines

Anything For A Buck

There’s a tanning salon next door to my hair ‘stylist’ joint called “Tan Your Hide”. Really. And that’d be funny if it wasn’t so dead-on accurate in describing what salon patrons are doing to themselves.

Speaking of leather, the indoor tanning industry had itself a convention last weekend in Nashville, and the ‘celebrity’ hired guns paid to attend included people named “Snooki” and “Khloe Kardashian”. (Since I honestly wouldn’t even know who these people are or why this industry would be paying them if I wasn’t a big fan of my young friend Chelsea’s fine blog, I’ll refer you to www.adventurewithmelanoma.blogspot.com  if you too might need to catch up on 21st Century popular culture.)  And Bruce Jenner was also on the convention program, which is truly amazing when he's had a recent brush with skin cancer.  Anything for a buck I guess.

For the indoor tanning industry, and the ‘celebrity’ low life people it pays to endorse its product, the Hotel Melanoma rendition of “Take The Money And Run” from The Steve Miller Band…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVA1xRrWBuk


This here's a story about Khloe K and Snooki too
Two young tanners with nothin' better to do
Than sit around the house, get fried, and watch the tube
And here is what happened when they decided to hawk U’s

They headed down to, ooh, old town Nashville
That's where they ran into a great big tan show
Khloe K hawked the tans while Jenner showed his medals
Snooki too took the money and run

Go on take the money and run
Go on take the money and run
Go on take the money and run
Go on take the money and run

Cancer Black is epidemic, brown will vex us
You know C knows just exactly what the facts is
C ain't gonna let those two escape justice
C makes its livin' off of tan people's ‘backses’

Snooki too, whoa, whoa, she took her pay
Khloe K got bucks for her the very next day
They got the money, hey
You know they hawked the rays
They headed down south and they're still sunning today

Singin' go on take the money and run
Go on take the money and run
Go on take the money and run
Go on take the money and run
Go on take the money and run
Go on take the money and run
Go on take the money and run
Go on take the money and run

Cancer Is One Fight

I guess what irks me a bit about the pink ribbon marketing frenzy of October is that consumer products companies seem to have forgotten that there are dozens of cancer varieties that need more awareness and financial support. (By the way, Kroger, that pink lid and ribbon on a container of deli-sliced smoked turkey breast really grossed me out, so I bought another brand.) Or maybe they haven’t forgotten and just don’t care, because pink sells and that’s really all this ribbon thing is about?

A case in point: November is both lung and pancreatic cancer awareness month. Yes, you read that correctly, two of the biggest cancer killers have to share an awareness month. (And melanoma officially gets one day during the skin cancer awareness month of May since, hey, it’s “just skin cancer”.) I strongly suspect that if you want to buy a product next month carrying a white/clear or purple ribbon you’re going to have to hunt for it.

The irony in all of this marketing Balkanization of the Cancer World is that cutting-edge cancer research often seems to “cross over” and lead to advances in treatment for more than one cancer brand. And hallelujah for that.

Hoping that one day we’ll all climb out of our silos and understand that cancer is really one fight we’re all in together, I’ll sign off with some bent lyrics to Jackson Browne’s “Tender Is The Night”…



Between the darkness on C street
And this Hotel filling up too tight
Between the illness in my parts
And the roar of C’s approaching fright
Somebody's after some money
Somebody turns the corner on the fight
Looking for some money
Somewhere for the fight

Cancer is one fight
When we hold all hands so tight
Cancer war’s our notion, cancer is one fight

Between the life that we expected
And the stay in Hotel M
We can't walk back out again
After the way we fight
When just outside there are people tanning
Living lives we used to lead
Chasing down the sun they ‘need’
Somewhere in the light

Cancer is one fight
And the tan addiction is the teen one’s fright
Cancers are the hunters, cancer is one fight

We're gonna watch C take flight
When we’re banding all together
Forget about who's right
When we're standing all together
It's another world in sight
When we’re ready to team cancer

Cancer, cancer cancer...

And in the hard light of a battle won
No one remembers colored ribbon fun
Cancers all are cured, they lose
You win, I win, we choose

Cancer
Cancer is one fight
Cancer
The tan addiction is the teen one’s fright
Cancer
Cancers are the hunters
Cancer is one fight
When we hold each other tight
Cancer
Cancers are so undercover
Cancer
The danger and the quiet killer
Cancer
Cancer war’s the notion
Cancer is one fight
When we hold our hands so tight

Cancer, Cancer, Cancer...

Let's Be Careful Out There

One of my favorite old TV cop shows was “Hill Street Blues”. Each episode began with a tough and seasoned veteran sergeant briefing the street cops under his command about what was going on and what to look out for on the crime-ridden neighborhood beat they were about to patrol on the day’s shift. The sergeant always ended his daily briefing with the admonishment “let’s be careful out there”.


Unfortunately, these same words of warning apply for those of us who are bold enough to put ourselves out there in the online community of melanoma patients. As a recovering lawyer who was trained to always keep in mind that everyone I dealt with in a professional setting (including my own client) just might be a liar or a thief or otherwise up to no good, you’d think I’d know better, but I stuck my toes in the waters of the online melanoma community with the trusting mindset that every mole mate I might encounter would be a sincere and kind-hearted giver and seeker of support and advice to and from other melanoma warriors. And 99.99% of the folks I’ve encountered are fine and caring people. But, regrettably, I’m slowly learning from the bad experiences of others that there seem to be a few cyber bullies and manipulators out there. And even a few people who might try to take advantage of your charitable nature and ask you for money they may not truly need. Or be ‘plants’ from the indoor tanning industry who want to do surveillance on your blog or awareness page.

So let’s be careful out there. Because not everyone will turn out to be the person they at first appeared to be.

On a lighter note, I’ll sign off with the Hotel Melanoma rendition of “Wooly Bully” from Sam The Sham & The Pharoahs…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6P7g_qz2OU


Uno, dos, one, two, tres, quatro
Matty told Hatty about a ‘friend’ with flaws.
Had two big horns and a bully jaw.
Cyber bully, cyber bully.
Cyber bully, cyber bully, cyber bully.

Hatty told Matty, "Let's don't take no chance.
Let's not be too friendin’, come and learn the scams."
Cyber bully, cyber bully
Cyber bully, cyber bully, cyber bully.

Matty told Hatty, "That's no thing to do.
Let you someone stealthy to pull the wool on you."
Cyber bully, cyber bully.
Cyber bully, cyber bully, cyber bully.

Lab Monkey Rock

Since checking into the Hotel Melanoma in 2003, I’ve quite often felt that melanoma treatment is just one big science experiment and I’m one of the lab monkeys. I’m quite grateful to apparently be one of the success stories of a clinical trial. But I’m not so grateful that the follow-up monitoring ‘plan’ since completing treatment has been “let’s wait and see if he turns up sick again”. The plan’s success turns entirely upon a combination of luck and ME quickly getting my butt into the melanoma clinic if I suspect something might be going awry.

So, when flying to Charlotte next month for the world’s leading AIM For A Cure Melanoma Walk I’m planning to try and get at least one pass through an airport security scanner and ask the TSA agent if he or she sees anything interesting.

Hoping the TSA won't misinterpret my question and 'cuff me, I’ll sign off with the Hotel Melanoma rendition of “Street Fighting Man” from the Rolling Stones…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFvtMp7hRF8


Ev'rywhere I fear the sound of marching, charging C, oy!
'Cause Black C’s here and the time is right for bathing in sunscreen, boy
But what can a poor boy do
Except to sing for the checkin’ mole band
'Cause in creepy Hotel M
There's just no peace for a C fighting man
No

Hey! Think the time is right for a treatment revolution
'Cause where I live the game they play is “wait and see” solution
Well, then what can a poor boy do
Except to sing for the checkin’ mole band
'Cause in creepy Hotel M
There's just no peace for a C fighting man
No

Hey! Said my name is called disturbance
I'll shout and scream, I'll kill C thing, I'll rail at all sun servants
Well, what can a poor boy do
Except to sing for the checkin’ mole band
'Cause in creepy Hotel M
There's just no peace for a C fighting man
No

Growin' In The Skin

It’s going to be a gorgeous fall day here in Colorado, so I’ll be heading off to the golf course to play whatever game it is I play out there. All I know for sure is that it bears no resemblance whatsoever to the game played by the stars featured in this great new PGA Tour Skin Cancer Awareness Video.

I’ll sign off with a little lyrical nonsense, to the tune of Bob Dylan’s “Blowing In The Wind”…



How many moles must a man bake brown
Before you call him too tan?
How many ‘screens must a white boy fail
Before C creeps into scans?
Yes, and how many times must the tanning halls fry
Before they're forever banned?
The answer my friend is growin’ in the skin
The answer is growin’ in the skin.

Yes, and how many years can a mole man exist
Before he’s hatched some Skin C?
Yes, and how many years can sun people resist
Before they're in shroud from UV?
Yes, and how many times can a man burn his head
Pretending he just lost his ‘screen?
The answer my friend is growin’ in the skin
The answer is growin’ in the skin.

Yes, and how many times must this man look up
Before he can see ball fly?
Yes, and how many strokes must one man have
Before he is near to pin high?
Yes, and how many deaths will it take ‘til we know
That too many people have fried?
The answer my friend is growin’ in the skin
The answer is growin’ in the skin.

Wild Thing

No ranting or whining today, just a little ode to melanoma to the tune of The Troggs’ “Wild Thing”…


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qHX493bB3U&feature=related


Wild thing
You make my blog sing
You take everything UV
Wild thing

Wild thing, I think I’ve drugged you
But I wanna know for sure
Come on, scan Mole C right
I’ll shove you

Wild thing
You make my scars ring
You make every skin groovy
Wild thing

Wild thing, I think you grooved me
But I wanna know you’re cured
So c'mon and fund C right
Remove C

Wild thing
You made my heart ping
You take everything UV
Wild thing

Wild thing
C'mon, c'mon, wild thing
Bake it, bake it, wild thing

Breakout With Mick

I’m feeling more than a little frustrated with oncologists and the laissez faire pointlessness of my recent appointments with these folks, so I’m plotting my escape from The Hotel Melanoma. My favorite melanoma clinic lost me in an exam room for about an hour the other day, and never would’ve found me had I not finally “prairie dogged” and walked out into the clinic halls in my blue gown to inquire if my doc was going to see me that day. Their apologetic story was that my name had somehow been “erased from the board” so they didn’t know they had a patient waiting. I can’t help but wonder if they were referring to a dartboard used as a substitute for any standard follow-up protocol.

Eventually, I was pronounced well after a five-minute physical examination and sent on my way. So I think I may permanently erase my name from their board, pronounce myself cured, and get free and more convenient follow-up care by showing up at local health fairs that offer melanoma screenings and such. My health insurance provider would be so pleased if I did.

Hoping for a cure that will enable all of my mole mates to break out of this place, I’ll end today’s rant with The Hotel Melanoma version of The Rolling Stones’ “She’s So Cold”…



I'm so hot for cure, I'm so hot for cure
I'm so hot for cure and C’s so cold
I'm so hot for cure, I'm on fire for cure
I'm so hot for cure and C's so cold

I'm the burning bush, I'm the burning fire
I'm the bleeding volcano
I'm so hot for cure, I'm so hot for cure
I'm so hot for cure ‘cuz C gets old

Yes, I’d try re-wiring cure, try re-firing cure
I think cure engine is permanently stalled
C’s so old C’s so old
C's so cold cold cold
Like a tombstone
C’s so cold, C’s so old
C’s so bold bold bold, I’m in sunscreen zone
C’s so old C’s so cold
And when I seek cure my plan’s just froze

Yeah, I'm so hot so hot for cure, I'm so hot for cure
I'm so hot for cure and grievin' so
Punt your butt on the street, punt your butt on the street
Aw C'mon Black C, just go

C’s so cold, C’s so cold, cold, C’s so c-c-c-old
’Cuz C’s plentiful bold

Yeah, we're so moled

C's so cold, C’s so cold
I think C was born as the devil’s own
C's so cold C's so cold, cold, cold
And when I seek cure my plan’s just froze

C's so cold, C's so goddamn cold C's so
Cold cold cold C's so cold

Who would believe you were a devil indeed
When your days are over and your fright’s long gone
Fright fades and the pain’s lost
Nobody will know, when they’re told
When they’re told, nobody will know
That you was a devil, a fleet sneak devil
A fleet sneak devil, so stone stone cold

You're so cold, you're so cold, cold, cold
You're so cold, you're so cold

I'm so shot with you, I'm so shot with you
I'm so shot with you and you're so old

I'm the burning bush, I'm the burning fire
I'm the bleeding volcano

Conniption Rock

I just love talking to oncologists. I have a radiation oncologist who thinks I need to be scanned, just to make sure I don’t have an asymptomatic tumor lurking somewhere.  And I have a clinical oncologist who thinks I look great and don’t. There’s no standard protocol that applies to someone like me, who’s way out there on the right side of the relapse-free survival curve.  So neither of them is wrong and both have their patient’s best interests at heart. I could seek a tie-breaker third opinion, but I might as well consult my golden retriever whom, if he could talk, would say anything for a Milk Bone. Or I could stowaway in my wife’s luggage and go through baggage scan tomorrow at Denver International Airport. I’m dazed and confused. Any suggestions or advice?


I’ll sign off with the Hotel Melanoma rendition of “Understanding” from Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btsIlNJyuSQ&feature=related


It seems like only everyday
I’ve never had a clue
I sit at home not knowin where to turn
Now suddenly I check around
And everything looks true
I don't know why, but I think I'm startin' to learn
They call it under-scanning
I’m hesitant to glow
I'm finally understanding
There's so much I don’t know
Until the day C came along
I used to just get bossed
I only said the things folks wanted to hear
I always 'screened like no sun care
But then you booked my time
And now I look and everything seems fear
You've got me understanding
You've really helped me, C
I'm finally understanding
It's meant so much to me
You’ve got me understanding
You’ve given me so much pride
I’m finally understanding
You've got me understanding
You're really on my hide
You’re really on my hide
They've got me underscanning?
They’ve got me underscanning?
For the first time
They’ve got me understanding

Shades Of Grey

As mentioned in a recent post, I have an appointment tomorrow to see the melanoma doc for a six-month checkup and, for the first time in several years, I don’t quite know what to expect will happen. It’s been a long time since I’ve been scanned just for grins, because my doc doesn’t think that’s necessary for a lucky fellow like me who’s been healthy for so long after completing treatment, unless I present symptoms of concern. But when I saw my favorite radiation oncologist ten days ago, he expressed a rather high degree of concern that I’m overdue for scans, to the point he was about to order them himself. He went so far as to say that melanoma is “sneaky” and by the time I presented symptoms of metastasis it’d be “too late”. (That’s the sort of statement that keeps we mole mates awake at night, don’t you think?) So today he sent my melanoma doc an e-mail expressing his concerns.


I know this stuff is all shades of grey, with no black or white answers, but I’m feeling a bit bewildered that two oncologists who treat melanoma patients at the same cancer center apparently have different opinions on this subject. All I know for sure is that I’ll listen to both of them, and then make the call in deciding what’s right for me. After all, I’m the patient.

Until next time, I’ll sign off with The Hotel Melanoma version of The Kinks’ “You Really Got Me”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dk3Ei_yoI4c



Docs, you really got me goin'
You got me so I don't know what needs doin', now
Yeah, you really got me now
You got me so I can't sleep at night

Yeah, you really got me now
You got me so I don't know we're doin', now
Oh yeah, you really got me now
You got me so I can't sleep at night

You Really Got Me!
You Really Got Me!
You Really Got Me !

C, won't ever set me free
I’m always gonna be by your side
Docs, you really got me now
You got me so I can't sleep at night

Yeah, you really got me now
You got me so I don't know what C's doin', now
Oh yeah, you really got me now
You got me so I can't sleep at night

You Really Got Me!
You Really Got Me!
You Really Got Me!
Oh no...

C, won't ever set me free
I’m always gonna save my old hide
Docs, you really got me now
You got me so I can't sleep at night

Yeah, you really got me now
You got me so I don't know how I'm doin', now
Oh yeah, you really got me now
You got me so I can't sleep at night

You Really Got Me!
You Really Got Me!

I Thank You

Just a lyrical thank you to my merry band of oncologists at the University of Colorado Cancer Center, from ZZ Top…


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkeLAqIjp-E


You didn’t have to drug me like you did
But you did, wish I’d hid.
And I thank you.

You didn’t have to treat me like you did
But you did, cancer rid.
And I thank you.

If you hooked your drugs to someone else
I wouldn’t know what it meant to be drugged to death
You made me feel like I’ve never felt
IVs so good I had to holler for help

You didn’t have to ‘fuse me but you did
But you did, cancer hid
And I thank you.

You didn’t have to Code me but you did
But you did and I lived
And I thank you.

Every day was something new,
You hang up some bags and they drip ‘til through
You got me trying new things too
Just so I can heal up from flu.

You didn’t have to wave me like you did
But you did, protons hit
And I thank you.

You didn’t have to brake it like you did
But you did, tumor slid 
And I thank you.

In new life I’ve been
Without old sun crazy, its a frying shame
And now I know what the doctuhs are talking about
When they say that I’ve been burned out

I want to thank you
Thank you
Thank you M.D.’s
Oh M.D.’s
Got to say

You didn’t have to drug me like you did
But you did, wish I’d hid.

You didn’t have to scold me like you did
But you did, ‘cuz I’m dim.

Thank you
M.D.’s
M.D.’s
Thank! I’ve! Got! I’ve got to
Thank you M.D.’s

Lab Rat Rock

“I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.”

                                                                                                Groucho Marx

My favorite melanoma doc (sometimes referred to herein as Dr. Death) has told me on more than one occasion there’s no standard protocol for follow-up of a patient like me—now almost nine years out of a trial treatment for Stage IIIc melanoma that relatively few people have had, and presenting no symptoms of a possible recurrence. I was reminded of this just last week, when my favorite radiation oncologist (sometimes referred to herein as Dr. No) asked me when I’d last been scanned for melanoma and expressed his concerns that I was overdue. So Dr. No is sending his colleague Dr. Death a “note” expressing those concerns. And I’m scheduled to see Dr. Death next week for a regular six-month checkup. This could get interesting, and all I know for sure is that I’ll feel much better if these two come to some meeting of the minds before my appointment.

I guess there’s no follow-up protocol because I’m a lucky albeit involuntary member of a pretty small club of living lab rats, how small I don’t know because Dr. Death won’t tell me. But the longer I hang out at the Hotel Melanoma and hear the stories of mole mates, the more I realize that there’s no established standard of care for treatment and follow-up of ANY of us. It all depends on who you see and which cancer treatment center you go to. And that irks me, more than a little. An old high school and college buddy of mine, who’s now on the faculty of a leading medical school, once told me that too much of what physicians do is based more on habit and tradition than on any hard evidence it’s the right or effective thing to do. (He obviously turned out better than me, as nearly everyone who knew both of us back then would’ve predicted.) Oy.

Hoping that someday soon the melanoma medics will get their act together and agree upon how best to treat and follow each and every one of us, I’ll sign off with the Hotel Melanoma rendition of Van Halen’s “Dance The Night Away”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPOzsCmpIA0


Have you seen cure? So fine and nifty
’Fused me for a while for fees
And I feel cured and I’ve crossed the gloom
Yes, had moles in the third degree
Ooh, maybe, maybe
Won't-cha join your heads on way?
Ooh, maybe, maybe
Ah come on! Take a chance
You're bold enough to

Scan (Scan) the fright away
Whoa-oh (Ah) Come on C docs, scan the fright away

I’m live wire, barely a beginner
So just show that Black C's blown
I’m on fire, 'cause scannin’ shows me brighter than-uh
Anything else I know

Ooh, maybe, maybe
Won't-cha join your heads some day?
Ooh, maybe, maybe
Well don't skip those scans 'cause
You're bold enough to

Scan (scan) the fright away
Oh-oh-oh (Ah) Come on C docs, scan the fright away

Oh, oh-oh-oh oh yeah
Scan (oh) the fright away. Hey, hey, yeah!
Scan, scan, scan the fright away
Ah come on baby (Scan the fright away) Hey, hey yeah!
Scan, scan, scan the fright away
Uh, come on baby, baby (Scan the fright away) Ooh, ooh, yeah
Scan, scan, scan the fright away. Ah, no glow!

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsors

I recently learned that the cheerleading squad for my local NFL team, the Denver Broncos, has an “official tanning resort” sponsor. Yes, a cheerleading squad that will be clad in pink during this month’s game performances, jiggling their hearts out for breast cancer awareness, also accepts sponsorship money from a purveyor of a known carcinogen.

My initial reaction was that I needed to figure out how to effectively lodge a complaint, although I suspect the incongruity here would be completely lost on these folks. But then I got to thinking. From frustration comes inspiration: The Hotel Melanoma will launch its own sponsorship program, raising awareness for our cause! The possibilities are endless. “Hotel Melanoma is extremely proud to be the Official Cancer Resort of The Denver Broncos Cheerleaders.” “Melanoma, The Official Cancer of Snooki”. “The Dr. Oz Show, brought to you by Hotel Melanoma-- it’s not ‘just skin cancer’ anymore.” Now all I need is money.

And since every sponsor needs a background jingle for its marketing message, here’s the Hotel Melanoma version of Bob Seger’s “Like A Rock”…



Stood there boldly
Sweatin' in the sun
Felt like a million
Felt like number one
The height of summer
I'd never felt that strong
No sun block

I was eighteen
Didn't have a care
Working for peanuts
Not a dime to spare
But I was lean and
Speedo’d everywhere
No sun block

My tans were steady
My fries were quite the sight
My bronze had purpose
Hoped chicks would come in flight
And I held firmly
To what I felt was right
No sun block

No sun block, I was wrong as I could be
No sun block, skin thing one day got to me
No sun block, I was something to C
No sun block

And I stood arrow straight
Unencumbered by the weight
Of all these doctors and their schemes
I stood proud, I stood tall
High above it all
I still believed in no ‘screens

Fifty years now
Where'd they go?
Fifty years
I don't know
Sit and I wonder sometimes
Where they've gone

And sometimes laid out right
When I'm bathed in the scan light
My skin’s now wearing a ghostly white
And I recall
Recall

Buy sun block, tannin’s not so great
Buy sun block, sun-safe came too late
Buy sun block, carryin' C’s weight
Buy sun block

Buy sun block, the sun upon my skin
Buy sun block, charge ahead and win
Buy sun block, I see myself again
Buy sun block

You Better Shop Around

My radiation “cancerversary” last Friday turned out just fine, Mr. Schwannoma hasn’t grown. But it was one of those days when being a patient at a large university medical center tests a patient’s patience, which I have very little of. A few of the highlights…

● I dutifully showed up in outpatient radiology, as instructed, at 10 a.m. for an 11 a.m. MRI, allowing ample time to complete that same form I’ve filled out with identical answers on a dozen or so past visits. Only to find out they were running 45 minutes or so late. But they didn’t want you to leave to go have breakfast or whatever, just in case they miraculously started running ahead of schedule. Eventually, they started herding small groups of us scan bangers down to inpatient radiology in the basement of the hospital next door. About all I can say about that place is that it obviously isn’t accustomed to working with conscious patients.

● I don’t know if it was mechanical failure, operator error, or that used Klingon cloaking device I picked up last week on eBay, but they didn’t get any images of Mr. Schwannoma after injecting the contrast dye. Despite the fact I spent well over an hour in the tube.

● But I made it with five minutes to spare for my 1 p.m. appointment with radiation oncology. Which allowed ample time to complete the same medical history form I complete each and every time I go there. I just can’t help but wonder why the precise date of my last digital rectal prostate exam is relevant to treatment of a tumor next to my cervical spine. Do they share this information with the urology department, in hopes of taking advantage of a cross-selling opportunity?

● I had a rather lengthy and perplexing conversation with my favorite radiation oncologist, who isn’t treating me for melanoma but nevertheless cares, about the appropriate follow-up on high-risk melanoma survivors who are currently in a NED status. He was the one who brought up the subject. All I can say about that at this juncture is that I’ve been having visions of chimps selecting a stock portfolio by throwing darts.

Feeling like a lucky but disgruntled patient today, I’ll sign off with The Hotel Melanoma version of Smokey Robinson’s “Shop Around”…



When I became of stage my doctor called me to his side
He said 'son you're glowing up now, pretty soon
You'll take a ride'...

And then he said...
'Just because you've become a mole man now
(Man, now)
There's still some things that you don't understand now
(Son, now)
Before you ask some onc for the plan now
(My son)
Keep ‘em treatin’ for as long as you can now'

My doctuh told me...'you better shop around'
(Shop, shop around) a-whoa-yeah
You better (uh-huh) shop around!
(Shop, shop around)
Uh-uh-uh

'There's some things that I want you to know now
(Uh-huh-...ooo)
A just as sure as skin thing’s gonna grow now
(Uh-huh-...ooo)
The new things come and the old things gonna go now
(Uh-huh...ooo)
Before you tell 'em that you want 'em so now
My doctuh told me...'you better shop around'
(Shop, shop around) whoa-yeah
You better (uh-huh) shop around
(Shop, shop around)

'A-gotta get yourself some ‘pinions son
Don't be sold on the very first one
A-nifty cures come a dime a dozen
A-try to find onc who's gonna give ya true druggin'
(Uh-huh...ooo)
'Before you pick a cure and say I do now
A-make sure it’s the one fits-a you now'
My doctuh told me
(You better shop around)

(ooooooh)

'Try to get yourself some ‘pinions son
Don't be sold on the very first one!
(First one, first one)
A-nifty cures come a dime a dozen
A-try to find onc who's gonna give ya true druggin'
(Uh-huh...ooo)
Before you pick a cure and say 'I do' now
Make sure it’s the one fits a-you now
Make sure that this drug is true now
I'd hate to see you feelin' sad and blue now'
My doctuh told me
'You better shop around'
(Shop, shop around)
(Uh-huh 'don't let the first one get you')
(Shop, shop around)
On no,cuz I don't wanna see bad pictures
(Uh-huh shop, shop around)
Uh-huh 'before you let 'em hold your plight'
(Shop, shop around)
A-yeah-yeah (shop around)
'Make sure he knows right'
(Uh-huh, shop, shop around)
'Uh-huh before you let 'em make your plans my son'
(Uh-huh, shop, shop around)
'Understand my son'
(Uh-huh, shop, shop around)
'Get a scan my son'
(Uh-huh, shop, shop around)
'I know you can my son'
(Uh-huh, shop, shop around)
I love it
(Uh-huh shop, shop around)
A shop around...