Hacker Heaven

I’m pleased to announce that I’ve been in negotiations with representatives of the indoor tanning industry who have agreed to donate the funds to build and maintain a par 90 eighteen-hole golf course on the grounds of The Hotel Melanoma. A renowned golf course architect, namely me, has been selected to design the course.


It will feature generous, wide fairways with a concave shape, Astroturf rough, and big circular funneled greens with pins always in the dead center. All trees and sand traps will be holographic projections. ‘Water’ hazards will be covered with an elastic, trampoline-like material, and the entire course will be enclosed in an air-conditioned dome of tinted UV ray deflecting glass. $5 green fees and free beer, unlimited range balls, and discreet caddies will complete the setup. And, oh by the way, the U.S.G.A. Official Rules of Golf will not apply and each foursome or whatever-some will be allowed to make up its own rules for the round.

I’ll sign off with a celebratory version of The Supremes’ “You Can’t Hurry Love”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ7uXX9K7Sk



I need pars, pars
To ease my mind
I need to find some swing to call mine
But Bubba said


You can't hurry golf
No, you just have to wait
He said golf don't come easy
It's a game of give and take


You can't hurry swing
No, you just have to wait
You got to trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes


How many heartaches
Must I stand before I find a swing
To let me score again
Right now the only thing
That keeps me hangin' on
When I feel my length, yeah
It's almost gone
I remember Bubba said:


You can't hurry golf
No, you just have to wait
He said golf don't come easy
It's a game of give and take


How long must I wait
How much more can I take
Before bogeyness will cause my heart to break


No I can't bear to play bad lies I own
I grow impatient for a swing to call my own
But when I feel that I, I can't go on
These precious words keeps me hangin' on
I remember Bubba said:


You can't hurry pars
No, you just have to wait
He said pars don't come easy
It's a game of big mistakes


You can't hurry swing
No, you just have to wait
He said trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes


No, golf, golf, don't come easy
But I keep on waiting
Anticipating for that club choice
To fix my mean fat slice
For some tender greens
To hold ball tight
I keep waiting
I keep on waiting
But it ain't easy
No it ain't easy
Bubba said:


You can't hurry swing
No, you just have to wait
He said to trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes


You can't hurry golf
No, you just have to wait
He said golf don't come easy
It's a game of pure heartbreak