An Ode To Sunscreen

Just The Hotel Melanoma version of REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight This Feeling”…


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nd4j1Ms1VYE


I can’t fight this peeling any stronger.
And yes I'm still afraid to get the glow.
What started out as friendship,
Has grown stronger.
I only wish I had more strength to spread on moles.


I tell myself that I can pale out forever.
I said there is mole reason for my fear.
’Cause I feel so secure when we're together.
You give my hide protection,
You make every skin so clear.


And even on the golf course,
I'm keeping you applied.
You're a mantle in the sun’s glow,
On a once dark duffer's hide.
And I'm getting paler than I ever thought I might.


And I can't fight this peeling any more.
I've forgotten what I started frying for.
It's time to bring pale skin into the fore,
And stow away sun oil, forever.


’Cause I can't fight this peeling any more.
I've forgotten what I started frying for.
And if I have to haul more from the store,
Come dashing through the door,
Baby, I can't fight this peeling any more.


My hide has been such a pure thing since I bought you.
I've been playing holes in circles in my mind.
And it always seems that I'm applying you, cure,
’Cause you take me to pale stasis,
That alone I'd never find.


And even as balls wander,
I'm keeping you applied.
You're a mantle from the sun’s glow,
On a once dark duffer’s hide.
And I'm getting paler than I ever thought I might.


And I can't fight this peeling any more.
I've forgotten what I started frying for.
It's time to bring pale skin into the fore,
And stow away sun oil, forever.


’Cause I can't fight this peeling any more.
I've forgotten what I started frying for.
And if I have to call Mercola boor,
Keep blogging like a bore,
Baby, I can't fight this peeling any more.

Who Kept The Dogs Out?

It’s Jordan here again. My ‘owner’ Rich spent a lot of time in the hospital in 2003 and 2004, and the brain trust in charge wouldn’t let me into see him. (What did they think I was gonna do, shed a little and then lick my patient to death? Twits.) So my job as nurse and companion couldn’t start until his discharge. I’d hang with him for days while he mostly slept in front of my big screen tv, and you can’t buh-leeve some of the stuff I had to watch since I couldn’t reach my remote. I know he was zonked on meds, but c’mon—the city government channel? Have you ever had to watch a city planning commission meeting? Jeez…


But as soon as he was able, I got his butt out of the recliner and took him for walks. And that’s when my hard work as his physical therapist began. Man, was he ever slow and weak at the start, but I gradually increased his pace and distance day by day until I could get a decent workout. He was still zonked on meds and I’d have to remind him to bring treats in his pocket. And he’d stop on the trail and barf. Gross. But I had a job to do and I did it well, with unconditional love and patience.

Now I’m an old fellow and getting achier and slower by the day, but he understands and lets me wander off leash in the woods at my pace and see my BFF’s out in my park. So if there’s a “next time” he’s in the hospital I’m borrowing my service dog pal’s vest and insisting on visitation privileges.

Until next time, I’ll leave you with the Jordan’s World version of Baha Men’s “Who Let The Dogs Out?”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uaPs8sxqB0


Who kept the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!}
Who left the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!}
Who kept the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!}
Who left the dogs out.


Well, the party weren’t nice, the IV’s were pumpin' {Yippie-Yi-Yo}
And every doctor makin' a call {Hah, hah, Yippie Yi Yo}
I tell my fellas "start the name callin'" {Yippie Yi Yo}
And my girls respond to the call {hah, hah, hah, hah}
Heard a Lab friend shout out


Who kept the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!}
Who left the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!}
Who kept the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!}
Who left the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!}


I see ya little rule book thicker than most
We really want to get ‘round,
Get back gruffy, back scruffy,
Get back you flea infested mongrel!


Gonna tell myself "hey, pup, no get angry" {Hey-ya, Yippie, Yi, Yo}
To any nurse calling me canine {Hey! Yippie, Yi, Yo}
But they tell me "Hey Dog, you’re out of the Party!" {Yippie Yi, Yo}
Dad got some ‘fusin in front and his tans behind {Yippie, Yi, Yo}
Heard Lab friend shout out


Who kept the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!}
Who left the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!}
Who kept the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!}
Who left the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!}


Say,
A doggy is nuttin' if he can’t see his own.
Oh doggy stuck at home, Oh doggy stay home!
A doggy is nuttin' if he can’t see his own!
Oh doggy stuck at home, Oh doggy stay home!


Who kept the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!)
Who left the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!)
Who kept the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!)
Who left the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!)


I see ya little rule book thicker than most
We really want to get ‘round,
Get back gruffy, back scruffy,
Get back you flea infested mongrel!


Well, if I am a dog,
the party is on:
I gotta make my move,
'Cause my friend done gone.
Do you see the love comin' from my eyes
Walkin' through the place that Richie-man is takin' C down?
Me and my white doc coat
And I can't see color
Any color will do
I'll sneak on through that's why they call me faithful
'Cause I'm a hound with a plan
When they see me they say...hooooo


Who kept the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl}
Who left the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl}
Who kept the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl}
Who left the dogs out {howl!, howl!, howl!, howl!, howl}

Jordan's World

Hi, my name is Jordan and I’ve borrowed Rich’s blog today to announce that I’m now on Facebook at  Jordan's World. The truth is that I’m really the brains and talent behind his blog but I’ve let the old fella take credit for my work, seeing as how my paws are too big to use a computer keyboard and he has to do the typing. But trust me, it has cost him a whole lot of boxes of Senior Milk Bones and offleash time with my pals at the park to obtain a license to plagiarize my copyrighted work.


Please check out my page and join this growing and vibrant canine community. I’ll sign off with the Jordan’s World version of Bad Company’s “Running With The Pack”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHZIK4Ymr0A



You never pay me no money,
You only give me old Milk Bone treats.
But I keep on running,
There's no way to catch up with me.
I'm leashing you, don't make no fuss;
You won't even heel me, but oh, you must.


I'm running with the pack,
Running with the pack,
I'm running with the pack,
Never looking back.


You try to keep me on leashes,
But laddy, you got to catch me first.
You think your voice is my pager,
I'll do my best, you could do much worse.
I'm leashing you, not you can I trust;
You won't even heel me, but oh, you must.


I'm running with the pack,
Running with the pack,
I'm running with the pack,
Never looking back.


All right.
Look out there.


I'm running with the pack,
Running with the pack,
I'm running with the pack,
Never looking back.


Running with the pack,
I'm running with the pack,
Running with the pack,
Never looking back.
Oh, yeah.

You can't hold me down,
You can't hold me back,

On my own way,
Running with the pack, ooh.
Never, never, never looking back, Oh.
Keep on running, keep on running
Yeah, yeah.
Moving on, moving out.
Oh, oh......

Tuesday With Eric

Just my version of Eric Clapton’s “Layla”…


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fX5USg8_1gA


What'll you do when we get Sol-free
And nobody's fate hangs by their hide?
We've been sunning and frying much too long.
You know it's just our foolish pride.


Mela, you've got me wearing ‘screen.
Mela, I'm begging, dark thing please.
Mela, dark thing won't you ease my worried mind.


I had to live through conflagration
When my old tans had let you ‘round.
Like a fool, I tempted fate with you,
Burned my whole hide sun-fried brown.


Mela, you've got me wearing ‘screen.
Mela, I'm begging, dark thing please.
Mela, dark thing won't you ease my worried mind.


Let's take a rest from more iterations
Before I finally go insane.
Please don't say you’ll ever find a way
And tell me all my nodes in flame.


Mela, you've got me wearing ‘screen.
Mela, I'm begging, dark thing please.
Mela, dark thing thing won't you ease my worried mind.


Mela, you've got me wearing ‘screen.
Mela, I'm begging, dark thing please.
Mela, dark thing won't you ease my worried mind.

The Faces and Scars of Melanoma

I suspect that a whole lot of us (and maybe most of us) living at The Hotel Melanoma find it quite difficult to “come out of the closet” and share the story of our journeys since checking in. I know I did, and it took this stuffy and reserved recovering attorney several years to take an out-of-character leap and bare my soul in this blog. And sometimes I still can’t quite believe I have. But I eventually mustered up the courage to abandon my privacy because a few friends convinced me I just might accomplish something and help others by sharing my experiences with the Black Beast.


Our Hotel Chaplain has set up a website called Faces and Scars of Melanoma, encouraging we mole mates to build awareness by sharing our faces, scars and stories on the site. Please check it out and participate—and don’t worry, my sorry looking face is on the site but you will NOT find a photo of the battle wounds on my unprepossessing old carcass.

For all who participate in this project, here’s my version of Rod Stewart’s “Tonight’s The Night”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZr6AE-u2UM

Stay away from our windows
Stay away from our back doors too
Disconnect from tanning-prone kind
Get back Black C, we draw the line


Kick off your blues and sit right down
Loosen off that privacy gown
Let me cause you a good long think
Ooh baby don't you hesitate ‘cause


This fight’s our fight
It's gonna be alright
Cause we’ll find the cure
Ain't nobody gonna stop us now


C'mon angel tan bed’s a pyre
Do deny your tan desire
You'd be a fool to risk your hide
Spread your ‘screen and flaunt your paler side


This fight’s our fight
It's gonna be alright
Cause we’ll find the cure
Ain't nobody gonna stop us now


Display your words, might save one child
Just let your inhibitions run wild
Your secrets are about to be told
Upload before the night's too old


This fight’s our fight
It's gonna be alright
Cause we’ll cure you ‘noma
Ain't nobody gonna stop us now

Hey Dude

From the May 2012 edition of The Skin Cancer Foundation Journal:

“While for women the number of melanoma deaths has decreased in recent years, among white men 50 years of age and older, the number is climbing; melanoma is one of only three cancers with an increasing mortality rate for men.”

And there’s a reason for that. About 65% of melanomas are associated with exposure to the sun’s ultraviolet radiation. My peeps are about as likely to patronize an indoor tanning salon as they are to volunteer for a weekly prostate examination, but we do tend to do stupid manly things like play a round of golf at high altitude with no hat or sunscreen. You’d think I’d know better, but I caught too much sun on my face yesterday during a mid day round of geezer golf. (Although I did manage to hit three tee shots and two approach shots over water hazards without drowning a single ball. Miracles do happen.)

So, dudes, please ‘lighten up’ before you check into The Hotel Melanoma. End of sermonizing and time for lyricising, with The Beatles’ “Hey Jude”…

Hey Dude, don’t play so bad
Take your sad lie and make it better
Remember to let par into your heart
Then you can start to fake it better


Hey Dude, don't be afraid
You were made to hole out and putt pure
The minute you let rays under your skin
Then you begin to make it leather


And anytime you feel score pain, hey Dude, retrain
Don't carry your beers upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays by rules
Try kicking your balls away from boulders
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah


Hey Dude, don't let balls drown
You have found green, now go and sink her
Remember to let par into your heart
Then you can start to ‘scape sand better


So chip it out and get it in, hey Dude, with spin
You're waiting for some swing to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you, hey Dude, you’re screwed
The movement you need is in your shoulders
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah yeah


Hey Dude, don't make it bad
Take a rad wrong and make it better
Remember to spread ‘screen over your skin
Then you'll begin to make it
Better better better better better better, oh


Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Dude
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Dude
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Dude
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Dude
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Dude
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Dude
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Dude
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Dude
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Dude
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Dude
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Dude
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Dude
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Dude
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Dude
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Dude
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Dude

Summer Solstice Rock

I know I’m a day late, but here’s The Hotel Melanoma version of Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers’ “Love is a Long Road”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSEsmc_H5OU


There was a cure I knew
Docs said they’d dare to clout me
C tried to take my world
No way I thought this could be
Yeah I was desperate then
To have these doctors go bold
But sun has a long, long load


There were so many times
I would stand up and swoon
With my head spinning 'round
I would break from my room
And give nurse one more chance
To try and stave my rolls
Tough love is long, long road


Yeah sun was hard to give up
Some things are hard to let go
Sunscreens are better than snuffed
I guess I only can hope
For maybe one more chance
To try and save my moles
But sun has a long, long load

Bad

A Facebook status update from AIM at Melanoma: 

 

The tanning industry is a minimum $2.6 billion industry. Can you imagine if that money was instead spent on melanoma research?

Today is just one more day when I’d like to send melanoma to the dustbin of medical history and close this establishment, but feel quite powerless and ineffective. There are (still) way too many kids checking in who are way too many years away from getting deluged with AARP junk mail, and the indoor tanning industry is dead set on keeping our youth occupancy rates “fry high”. Oy.

For all who are working to shut this place down for good, The Hotel Melanoma version of U2’s “Bad”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgBtoiNxPyE



If you wish to spurn the stay
If you’d bear Big C into dust bin
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would
Let you go
Cure render
Relocate


If I could throw thin
Strife-less lifeline to C kin
Leave this Hotel way
See you walk, walk away
Into the light
Through the pain
Out of the scan lights
And through the game


If I could through myself
Get you cancer-free
I'd bleed my heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light
And to new day


Oooh oooh, oooh oooh, oooh oooh oooh...


To end its show! And so make new day
To end its show!
And so make new day
Don’t hide your rage
Don’t hide your rage
Take the stage
It’s not cheap thing, oh no, no, no


If you should ask then maybe they'd
Tell you what I would say
True colors fly in hue of black
Blue sulking guy and blogging nag
Quack’s quick cash resides in blood shot fries


If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would
End C’s show


This desperation
Skin sensation
Big C Nation
Conflagration
Ray ablation
Sun temptation
Fry your bacon
De-solation
Fry your bacon


End its show
And so make new day
To end its show, oh yeah
And so make new day
To make it go, oh go
And so make new day
I’m hide awake
I'm hide awake
Hide awake
I'm not sleeping oh no no

Quack Medicine

Faux science, like 'studies' performed by researchers with sketchy professional credentials and that have undergone no peer review, seems to have become a mainstay of the defenders of indoor tanning.  The industry has taken one from the tobacco industry's playbook-- if you don't like the conclusions of mainstream medical researchers that your product is carcinogenic, then go out and buy some bad science that's more to your liking.

For all of the medical quacks on the payroll of the indoor tanning industry,  the Hotel Melanoma version of Eric Clapton’s “No Alibis”…


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVZ1O0pQPyc


I beg your pardon, 'Doc' Charlatan
This is C you're hawkin’ true
Get down and sell me about it
You don't have to tout it for D
Tell me what you’re really out to do


Don't give me no tan bed lies
No untrue stories you're trying to push beds by
Don't want no tan bed lies
Just another reason for another fry


Fortune gets steeper
The soul you hid hides deeper
You better stop tan lies now
'Cause we’re dying to shine the light on you
Baby we can see right through you
Some time we’ll prove what you’re all about


Don't give me no tan bed lies
Can't justify lying to push sales high
Don't want no tan bed lies
Just another reason for another fry


Don't give me no tan bed lies
No untrue stories you're trying to push beds by
Don't want no tan bed lies
Just another reason for another fry


Fortune gets steeper
The soul you sold is getting cheaper
Better reach deep and pull your soul out
Nobody ever gonna bug you the way that I bug you
And I really want to see you losin’ this bout


Don't give me no tan bed lies
No untrue stories you're trying to push beds by
Don't want no tan bed lies
Just another reason for another fry


Don't give me no tan bed lies
Can't justify lying to make sales high
Don't want no tan bed lies
Just another reason for another fry

Smiles With Trials

For all of you lab rats who’ve participated in a clinical trial, The Hotel Melanoma rendition of “Are You Experienced” from the immortal Jimi Hendrix…


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zg2segLZoeA&feature=related


If you can just get your files together
Then come along with me
We'll have scans an' then we'll watch the fun rise
From the bottom of our C
But first


Are You Experiment?
Ah! Have you ever been experiment?
Well, I have


I know, I know
You're probably wond’rin’ why
One more miracle cure can’t stop it cold
But who in our measly Hotel world isn’t trying to prove that
We’re gonna get old and -a can be bold


So-er, Are You Experiment?
Ah! Have you ever been experiment?
Well, I have


Ah, let me prove it to you


Drug hits and bio-wins are so near in this instance
I think they're calling our names
Maybe now you can't hear them, but you will
If you just take hold of my hand


Oh! But Are You Experiment?
Have you ever been experiment?


Not necessarily toned, but beautiful!

Hacker Heaven

I’m pleased to announce that I’ve been in negotiations with representatives of the indoor tanning industry who have agreed to donate the funds to build and maintain a par 90 eighteen-hole golf course on the grounds of The Hotel Melanoma. A renowned golf course architect, namely me, has been selected to design the course.


It will feature generous, wide fairways with a concave shape, Astroturf rough, and big circular funneled greens with pins always in the dead center. All trees and sand traps will be holographic projections. ‘Water’ hazards will be covered with an elastic, trampoline-like material, and the entire course will be enclosed in an air-conditioned dome of tinted UV ray deflecting glass. $5 green fees and free beer, unlimited range balls, and discreet caddies will complete the setup. And, oh by the way, the U.S.G.A. Official Rules of Golf will not apply and each foursome or whatever-some will be allowed to make up its own rules for the round.

I’ll sign off with a celebratory version of The Supremes’ “You Can’t Hurry Love”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ7uXX9K7Sk



I need pars, pars
To ease my mind
I need to find some swing to call mine
But Bubba said


You can't hurry golf
No, you just have to wait
He said golf don't come easy
It's a game of give and take


You can't hurry swing
No, you just have to wait
You got to trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes


How many heartaches
Must I stand before I find a swing
To let me score again
Right now the only thing
That keeps me hangin' on
When I feel my length, yeah
It's almost gone
I remember Bubba said:


You can't hurry golf
No, you just have to wait
He said golf don't come easy
It's a game of give and take


How long must I wait
How much more can I take
Before bogeyness will cause my heart to break


No I can't bear to play bad lies I own
I grow impatient for a swing to call my own
But when I feel that I, I can't go on
These precious words keeps me hangin' on
I remember Bubba said:


You can't hurry pars
No, you just have to wait
He said pars don't come easy
It's a game of big mistakes


You can't hurry swing
No, you just have to wait
He said trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes


No, golf, golf, don't come easy
But I keep on waiting
Anticipating for that club choice
To fix my mean fat slice
For some tender greens
To hold ball tight
I keep waiting
I keep on waiting
But it ain't easy
No it ain't easy
Bubba said:


You can't hurry swing
No, you just have to wait
He said to trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes


You can't hurry golf
No, you just have to wait
He said golf don't come easy
It's a game of pure heartbreak

Stupid Patient Tricks

Once upon a time I spent twenty-some days in a critical care oncology unit, known inside the hospital as “Eight East”, doing biochemotherapy treatments. And if you’ve read many of my posts, particularly the first one, you know that I wasn’t always the best-behaved and obedient patient and tended to do things I’d been told not to, like get out of bed without assistance.


Sunup seemed to be the time of day I got myself into the most trouble with the nurses, for several reasons. For one thing, my wife was wisely still home or at the motel sleeping and not around to stop me. Plus my little chemo condo had a big window facing east so morning came early on Eight East. Finally, this time of day was at the tail end of a twenty-four hour infusion round and when I was at my most semi-sentient and semi-conscious.

For example, my wife tells me I was once apprehended while trying to take a shower, still clad in my blue hospital gown and boxers. Fortunately, my infusion line was long enough that I didn’t drag my two IV pumps in with me. But the thing that most annoyed my wife was that I’d somehow find my cell phone and decide to give her a dawn wakeup call, oblivious to how early it was, and often after she’d spent several consecutive fourteen hour days at my hospital bedside. I think she eventually started to take my cell phone with her when she left the hospital at the end of her day, and I don’t fault her for it.

If you ever find yourself in a critical care oncology unit, just don’t do anything I’d do and you’ll do fine. And, for the record, I once again apologize to my saintly nurses and wife and pledge to at least try to do better if there’s a “next time”. Until then, all I can offer in atonement is my version of Bob Seger’s “Main Street”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVxsd6yywX8



I remember looking out my window at sunrise
Trying to keep my courage up
I was this unruly boomer in the cancer club downtown
I loved to try to do bad stuff
Through the long lonely nights I failed to sleep
My BP wildly swaying to those IV treats
Down on Eight East
Down On Eight East


In the cool hall, the doctors and the nurses
They used to watch me through the glass
Well they'd stand outside at shift change time
Just to pray that I had passed
Unlike all the other patients, I weren’t so young and sweet
As I made their day so long on that chemo beat
Down on Eight East
Down on Eight East


And sometimes even now, when I'm feeling guilty complete
I drift back in time and I feel the heat
Down on Eight East
Down on Eight East
Down on Eight East
Down on Eight East
Down on Eight East
Down on Eight East….

Wasting In The Rays

Just The Hotel Melanoma version of Crosby, Stills, & Nash’s “Wasted On The Way”…



Look around me
I can see my life before C
Burning things around the rays
I used to seek


I am older now
I have moles that sun fries hunted
And I wish that I had stopped it
Long before I did


And there's not much time to wake up
Everywhere youth burn
Time we stop basting in the rays


So much cancer moving
Underneath the kids
Let the doctors come and carry this away


Oh when you were young
Did you question all the tanners
Were you wary of this cancer
You had all the nerve


Look round you now
You pay toll for what your sun did
Look at all my friends who hid and got what they conserved


Not much time to wake up
Everywhere youth burn
Time we stop wasting in the rays


So much cancer moving
Underneath the kids
Let the doctors come and carry this away


Sol’s tough cause to take up
Everywhere you’re spurned
Lord we are tested on the way


So much cancer moving
Underneath the kids
Let the doctors come and carry this away


Let the doctors come and carry this away

Ray Ripper

No ranting, no whining, no sermonizing, just my version of The Beatles’ “Day Tripper”…


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzUfItgyFxY

Got a good reason, for faking the UV rays out
It's a good season, for making the UV ray shout, now

C was a ray..... ripper, sun rays trip it, yeah!
It took me so..... long to find out, and I found out

C’s a big teaser, C took my tans and my hair
C's a big teaser, C hooked this lad, I cooked rare, now

C was a ray.... ripper, one way ticket, yeah!
It took me so.... long to find out, and I found out

Tries to tease cures, C rarely plays one time stands
Tries to tease cures, C’s only haze on my scans, now

C was a ray.... ripper, sun day thriver, yeah!
It took me so.... long to find out, and I found out

Ray ripper
Ray ripper, yeah!

Ray ripper
Ray ripper, yeah!

Breakdown

I shot a very ugly round of golf out on a sun-soaked course today with the Geezer Golf League. My driver slice was back with a vengeance and I spent some quality time in the woods trying to figure out if there was any way out but sideways. There wasn’t, but the “discretion is the better part of valor” shot just ain’t in my golf bag. Consequently, several of my golf balls sustained serious wounds as a result of high velocity collisions with ponderosa pine trees. No mulligans were granted. No money was won. But no sunburn was sustained either because, with the exception of wearing a ball cap rather than a dorky wide-brimmed hat that I would’ve had to glue to my head to keep on in today’s wind gusts, I followed the prevention guidelines recommended by The Skin Cancer Foundation.

Check them out at http://www.skincancer.org/publications/sun-and-skin-news/summer-2011-28-2/men-golf-and-skin-cancer.

I’ll sign off with The Hotel Melanoma version of Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers’ “Breakdown”…



It sails straight when I swing through
It sails right when I don't
I'm not afraid of low scoring today
Baby, I've got the feeling I won't


There is no sense in pretending
My slice came back today
Something inside me is feeling like par’s through
I say it’s just best to pray


Baby, Breakdown
Go ahead and give eight to me
Breakdown honey make me lose this slice
Breakdown now I’m stranded here back in trees
Breakdown, it sails right
It sails right
It sails right


Breakdown
Go ahead and give eight to me
Breakdown honey take me through this slice
Breakdown now I’m stranded here can't miss trees
Breakdown, it's not right
It's not right
It's not right

Lady Luck

Thanks to a biochemotherapy clinical trial treatment I did in the fall of 2003, I’m still above ground, although often stuck in deep sand traps, and showing no evidence of disease. My doc (f/k/a “Dr. Death”) told me not long ago that there’s a “good chance” at this point that my melanoma is “gone for good”. And I’m counting on it. But if my luck runs out and I experience a recurrence, it’ll happen in a new world of treatment options that simply didn’t exist in 2003.


And there’s more good news coming out of the recently concluded annual meeting of the American Society of Clinical Oncology. (You’d think they’d invite a famous blogger like me to attend and perform a few numbers during a cocktail reception but, lucky for meeting attendees, they didn’t.) According to a study published this week in The New England Journal of Medicine, there’s a new weapon in the arsenal called trametinib, which inhibits proteins called MEK1 and MEK2 that are activated in tumor cells, and it is extending the lives of metastatic melanoma patients who are “lucky” enough to have a specific genetic mutation present in their tumors. And there seems to be a lot of excitement about using this and other new drugs, like ipilimumab and vemurafenib, in combination.

Read all about it at http://bostonglobe.com/business/2012/06/03/conference-highlights-new-progress-against-skin-cancer/6fmoy4NPm3tKcLYij1mCqN/story.html.

I’ll leave you with The Hotel Melanoma rendition of the Eagles’ “Ol’ 55”…



Well, my time went so quickly
I’ve lived lickety-splitly out to my old fifty-nine
As I try to live slowly, healin’s so holy,
God knows I am feelin' alive
And now more fun’s comin' up
I'm ridin' with Lady Luck
Leeway years from drugs

Scars beginning to fade, and I plead for old age
Just a wishin' I'll stay a little longer
Lord, don't you know the feelin's gettin' stronger

Hitch in the mole thing, gave me no warnin'
I had to be drugged for days
Now the pars are all passin' me,
Putts are all hasslin’ me
I've found a home in this place

And now more fun's comin' up
I'm ridin' with Lady Luck
Leeway years from drugs

Scars beginning to fade, and I plead for old age
Just a wishin' I'll stay a little longer
Lord, don't you know, the feelin's gettin' stronger

Well, my time went too quickly
I’ve lived lickety-splitly out to my old fifty-nine
As I try to live slowly, healin’s so holy,
God knows I am feelin' alive
And now more fun’s comin' up, 
I'm ridin' with Lady Luck
Leeway years from drugs
Leeway years from drugs,
I'm ridin' with Lady Luck
Leeway years from drugs
I'm ridin' with Lady Luck

Our Day Will Come

It’s National Cancer Survivors Day, and a time to climb out of our silos and remember everyone living with cancer. And to pray for the day when there’s a cure for all. For all of you dwelling at The Hotel Carcinoma, here’s my rendition of “Free Fallin’’” from Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers…



Need a good cure, one for all us
Some free stuff that’s carcinoma’s doom
Need a good cure, crazy with malice
Love courses of Yervoy meds too


It's a long day livin' with the Big C
There's no leeway, runnin' is so hard
And it’s a bad boy, 'cause it don't seem to get cured
It’s a bad boy for breakin' our hearts


Now I'm C, I'm C stallin’
And I’m C, C stallin’


All the vampires stalkin' you with UV
Move best down Mercola’s boulevard
And all those bad boys are landing on the quack shows
All their ‘good’ cures are prone to breakin’ hearts


Now I'm C, I'm C stallin'
Yeah I’m C, C stallin’


I wanna glide down over Mela-land
I wanna write cure’s name in the sky
I wanna free fall out into somethin'
Wanna leave C world for awhile


Now I'm C, I’m C stallin’
Yeah I’m C, C stallin’


Now that C’s, C’s fallin’
Yeah that C’s, C’s fallin’

The Proud, The Pale

One of our molemates, who shall remain anonymous, recently posted a short story about being accosted by a twit in a restaurant while sitting outside and applying sunscreen. Said twit said to our mate, “Aren’t you pale enough, you could use a tan!” And our mate’s truly priceless reply, “Aren’t you fat enough?”

I love it. We’re the proud, the pale, the un-leathered, the living. The Hotel Melanoma version of Twisted Sister's “We’re Not Gonna Take It”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xmckWVPRaI

Oh we're not gonna bake it
No, we ain't gonna bake it
Oh we're not gonna bake C anymore


We've got a life to lose and
There ain't no way we'll lose it
This is our life, tan is so wrong
We'll fight sun powers that be just,
Don't knock our skin tone please 'cause
You don't know us, you don't belong


Oh we're not gonna take it
No, we ain't gonna take it
Oh we're not gonna take it anymore


Oh you're so condescending
Your gall is never ending
We don't want nothin', not a zing from you
Our hide is white and faded
Pigment’s been confiscated
If tan’s your quest, you have no clue


whoa.....................
whoa.....................
We're right/yeah
We're free/yeah
We'll fight/yeah
You'll see/yeah


Oh we're not gonna make it
No, we ain't gonna make it
Oh we're not gonna make C anymore


Oh we're not gonna fake it
No, we ain't gonna fake it
Oh we're not gonna fake tan anymore
No way!


whoa.....................
whoa.....................
We're right/yeah
We're free/yeah
We'll fight/yeah
You'll see/yeah


We're not gonna make it
No, we ain't gonna bake it
We're not gonna take C anymore


We're not gonna take it, no!
No, we ain't gonna take it
We're not gonna take it anymore


Just you fry and make pus
We're not gonna bake it
Come on
No, we ain't gonna bake it
You're all spineless sun freaks
We're not gonna bake it anymore
Don't stop and get biopsy
We're not gonna bake it
And age skin
No, we ain't gonna bake it
It's a fashion scorn
We're not gonna make C anymore

Happy Birthday To Me

My 50th birthday present in 2003 was a melanoma diagnosis. And for the ensuing ten weeks or so, the diagnostic news just kept getting progressively worse. For a mercifully brief time, the docs didn’t think I’d see 51. But lucky for me, a large mass next to my cervical spine turned out not to be a melanoma tumor. Consequently, my upcoming 59th birthday is a gift in and of itself, and now my goal is to reach 65 and become a Social Security and Medicare burden on the next generation.

Rock on, Boomers, with The Hotel Melanoma rendition of Sammy Hagar’s “I Can’t Drive 55”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvV3nn_de2k



One foot in the grave, looks like I won’t last, hey!
Well, there's too much panic, this must pass, yo!
So I tried their best near lethal brew
The big Black C fright come and crushed my groove again!


Go on and sign me up to make 65
Rest my case, mela’s dead, I’m alive
Burn the incense n' all that jive
'cause I survived, 59!


Lymph nodes?! Uh!


So I signed my name on consents galore, hey!
Yeah the doc said, "Boy, just one more
I'm gonna kick your ass in the UC joint"
Looked me in the eye, said, "You get my point?"
I said "Yeah!, Oh yea!"


Go on and sign me up to make 65
Rest my case, mela’s dead, I’m alive
Burn the incense n' all that jive
'cause I survived, 59!


Oh, yea!


I’m alive, 59!
I survived, 59!
I’m alive, 59!
I survived, 59!


Huh!


Now I live quite slow, you know it's been nine years.
And I can't get no pars, my game’s second tier.
What used to take two hours now takes all day.
Duh - It took me 16 rounds to get to today!


Go on and sign me up to make 65
Rest my case, mela’s dead, I’m alive
Burn the incense n' all that jive
'cause I survived, 59!


Ho, ho, ho, I survived...(I survived, 59!)
I’m alive... (I’m alive 59!)
I’m alive, 59!