Santa Baby

Just a few Christmas gift requests to Santa for all of my melahomies, to the tune of Eartha Kitt’s “Santa Baby”…


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFMyF9fDKzE


Santa Baby, pix all stable on the CT, for me.
Need an awful good cure, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa baby, an end to those deductibles too,
Claims through.
I'll wait up for you dear,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Think of all the sun I've missed,
Think of all the freckles that I haven't dissed,
Next year I could be just as good,
If you'll check off my Christmas list,

Santa baby, I want Oz shot,
And really that's not a lot,
Been an angel all year,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa honey, there's one thing I really do need,
Sunscreen
For a platinum shine,
Santa honey, so hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with free Rx,
Skin checks.
Shine your specs on my hide,
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight.

Come and trim my IV tree,
With some med confections bought for zero fees,
I really do believe in you,
Let's see if you believe in me,

Santa baby, forgot to mention Sloan Kettering,
One thing.
I won’t need on the phone,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry, tonight.

Pretty In Pink

I’ll be seeing my favorite oncologist tomorrow to get a lymph node checked out (which I’m sure will turn out just fine) and was told to plan on having a “fine needle aspiration” of said node. And guess where said procedure will be performed. The breast cancer clinic. The last time I was sent there for a quicky needle biopsy I caught some very quizzical looks, seeing as how I was the only guy in the waiting room. So I’m wondering whether I should go with the flow and try to blend in a little better this time by wearing a pink shirt and my black tutu from the AIM Walk For A Cure. Any advice?

I'll sign off with the Hotel Melanoma twist on Marty Robbins’ “A White Sport Coat And A Pink Carnation”...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zD8MnvyAi6I


With white lab coats at the pink C station
I'm all dressed up for the lance
With white lab coats in the pink C nation
I'm all alone wearin’ pants

Once Mom told me long ago
To the doc with C I'd go
Now U’s braised my hide it seems
Too late now to wear sunscreen

With white lab coats in the pink C nation
I'm in a blue blue mood.

I'm all dressed up for the lance
I'm all alone wearin’ pants

Once tans broiled me long ago
It’s a bomb in me did blow
Now I’ve bathed my hide in ‘screen
Nothing else will hold pale sheen

With white lab coats in the pink C nation
I'm in a blue blue mood

A Mole Carol

To the tune of Tom Petty’s “Christmas All Over Again”…


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaPj1GoDpQw


Well it's skin check time again, Paler Nation was all stung by sun fire
Everybody's cringin', all our moles are hangin’ out
And it's skin checks all over again, yeah again

My dermatologist, haven't seen him in a long, long time
Yeah I kind of missed him, I just don't wanna kiss him, no
And it's skin checks all over again, yeah again

And all in our gowns big old kids gonna strip down
And skin check is a doc’s gold mine, put your body out to shine
Underneath the bright light glow we go, we go

Everybodys cringin', all the moles are hangin’ out
And it's skin checks all over again, yeah again

And all ‘round the clock Hotel kids like to rock
And skin check is a doc’s gold mine, put your body out to shine
Underneath the bright light glow we go, we go

Merry skin check time come and find you happy and bare, sans attire
I hope you have a good one, I hope doctuh gets her choppin' done
And it's a skin check all over again
Baby it's skin check all over again
And it's skin check all over again

Now let's see...I want a new itchin’ scratcher skin scar...

Not Just A Walk In The Park

I had a marvelous time this past weekend at the AIM Walk For A Cure in Charlotte, NC and, thanks to sneaky smart phone cameras and mobile uploading technology, this and oh so many other incriminating photos will live on forever on Facebook. All I can say is thank heavens I’m retired from law practice and never had any aspirations to run for political office or seek a judicial appointment.

With thanks to my fellow TuTu Man Mark Williams for, both literally and figuratively, getting me into this, here’s the Hotel Melanoma rendition of “Walk Like A Man” from Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtc5HotYOvE


Walk like a man

Oh, how you tried to cut me down to size
Spreadin' UV fries to my ends
But my mole brother said "Never give up ever”
The world isn't comin' to an end"
(He said)

Walk like a man, talk ‘bout the tan
Walk like a man, wear one
No suntan’s worth crawlin' under earth
So walk like a man, wear one

Bye bye Ray C, I don't-a mean maybe
Gonna get along somehow
Soon you'll be dyin' on account of all our tryin'
Oh yeah, just look who's laughin' now
(I'm gonna)

Walk like a man, fast as I can
Walk like a man TuTu’d
I'll tell the world "let’s get about the CURE!"
And walk like a man TuTu’d

No Time

I’ll confess, I’m a Roman Catholic, not a very good one, but I try. Perhaps only known in an increasingly secular world for all of its institutional faults and fallibilities, the Roman Catholic Church offers a very well developed, wide and deep body of teaching on the concept of sin that endures through the years and doesn’t bend to the mores of the popular culture of the day. Yes, sin. Some things just aren’t okay and never will be, regardless of the situation. Really.

Among the most destructive of sins is envy. And it’s reared its ugly head here at the Hotel Melanoma among mole mates working in various ways to increase melanoma awareness. A theologian I’m not, but I think we’re committing the sin of envy when we’re angry or sorrowful about the successes of others and we do things to try to take them away and grab them for ourselves. As far south of perfect as I am, I nevertheless have no time for envy or the envious when it comes to working together to do what we can to teach the general public that this ain’t “just skin cancer”. And I hope you don’t either.

So, c’mon people, check your envy at the Hotel door and play nice together once inside. If you don’t, Hotel management will transfer you to the “administrative segregation” wing where every room is adjacent to an elevator and ice machine.

I’ll end today’s homily with the Hotel Melanoma rendition of “No Time” from The Guess Who…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUulpH16hTo


No time left for you
Finding ways to better things
No time left for you
I built myself new wing
No time left for you
Mutant moles are stalking me
No time left for you.

No time for a bummer friend
No time for the posts you send
Friendships change and so did I
You need not wonder why
You need not wonder why
There’s no time left for you
No time left for you.

No time left for you
Finding ways to better things
No time left for you
I built myself new wing
No time left for you
Mutant moles are stalking me
No time left for you.

No time for a drama queen
No time for a post that’s mean
No time for facebooking bores
No time at this Hotel for
No time at this Hotel for
There’s no time left for you
No time left for you.

No time for a bummer friend
No time for the posts you send
Friendships change and so did I
You need not wonder why
You need not wonder why
There’s no time left for you
No time left for you.

No time, no time, no time, no time
No time, no time, no time, no time
I got, got, got, got no time
I got, got, got, got no time
I got, got, got, got no time
No, no, no, no, no, no, no time
No, no, no, no, no, no, no time
I got, got, got, got no time
No, no, no, no, no
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no time
I got no time, got no time, got no time, got no time, got no time,
Got no time, got no time

Something To Walk About

At the upcoming AIM For A Cure Melanoma Walk at Freedom Park in Charlotte, NC, those of us who are lucky enough to be able to attend will be walking for everyone who’s checked into the Hotel Melanoma-- you may not be physically present but you’ll be in the hearts and heads of those who are. And if you are there, you won’t have any difficulty spotting me because I’ll be one of two older fellows sporting a black tutu. (Which I’m sure is going to haunt me for years to come in so, so many ways.) With any luck, the walk’s pale and black-clad participants will make enough noise and create enough of a spectacle to draw the curiosity of the park’s regular Saturday morning users and a few of those innocent bystanders will maybe start to ‘get’ melanoma before they too get it.

Until next time, I’ll leave you with a little twist on Bonnie Raitt’s “Something To Talk About”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJ58TVYNFro



Ooh, ooh, ooh,
People are walkin', walkin' 'bout people,
I fear them blisters, shoes won't relieve it.
They think we're vampires kept under cover,
I just ignore it but they keep sayin' we...
Stand just a little too proud,
Scan just a little too close,
Our ‘screen’s just a little too strong.
Maybe they're seein' somethin' we got darlin'.

Let's give 'em somethin' to walk about
(Somethin' to walk about)
Let's give 'em somethin' to walk about
(Somethin' to walk about)
Let's give 'em somethin' to walk about
How about cure?

I feel so foolish, I never noticed
I was so reckless, could U be stalkin’ for me?
It took a tumor to make me wonder,
Now I'm convinced that I'm glowin’ under.
Thinkin' 'bout cure every day,
Dreamin' 'bout cure every night.
I'm hopin' that you feel the same way,
Now that we know it, let's really show it darlin'.

Let's give 'em somethin' to walk about
(Somethin' to walk about)
A little ‘skin C’ to get cured out
(Somethin' to walk about)
Let's give 'em somethin' to walk about
How about cure?

Let's give 'em somethin' to walk about babe,
A little ‘skin C’ to get cured out.
Let's give 'em somethin' to walk about,
How about cure? Ooh...
Listen to 'em baby
(Somethin' to walk about)
A little ‘skin C’ could hurt 'em
(Somethin' to walk about)
Let's give 'em somethin' to walk
How about our cure, cure, cure, cure
Whoowhoo mmmm hey oohh whoowhoo
About cure, cure, cure, cure
How about they walk about it? uh huh
Walk about cure........

Blogging For Black

Everyone who’s checked into the Hotel Melanoma knows that “just skin cancer” is one of the relatively under-funded cancers, when funding is measured by research dollars spent per new patient diagnosis and per patient death. My own favorite melanoma cause is the melanoma research program at the University of Colorado Cancer Center, because it most likely saved my life. So if you enjoy this little blog, please consider making a donation to The University of Colorado Foundation Melanoma Research Fund. No amount is too small and every donation will be greatly appreciated. And if you dislike my blog, you just might be able to blast it out into the ether of cyberspace by making a really BIG donation—so just get in touch with me and perhaps we can negotiate a ‘killer’ donation.

But, being a recovering attorney, I always have a Plan B and have thought of a promising new idea for melanoma research fundraising! This past Tuesday, voters in the Great State of Colorado approved an amendment to the state constitution that decriminalizes the recreational use of marijuana. Beginning in 2014, after the legislature figures out how in the heck they are going to be regulate and tax the sale of marijuana, the amendment will also permit licensed retail sales stores. So I just might apply for a license to open a shop, call it “McWeed’s”, and donate the profits to melanoma research. Do you think “Tokin’ For The Cure” might work as an ad slogan?

Hoping that neither my Mom nor any of those brave and dedicated public servants at the United States Drug Enforcement Administration will ever, ever read this post, I’ll sign off with the Hotel Melanoma rendition of “Down To Seeds And Stems Again Blues” from Commander Cody & His Lost Planet Airmen…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEg9FbuaSCk


I'm bloggin’ at home, ev’ry dang night, mocking the fake bake glow
A bottle of wine, some ‘cigarettes’, I got no race to go
Well, I saw my onc doc man today, he was scaring with brand new news
And I'm down to seeds and stems again, too

Well, I saw my old friend Oz today from up on TV screen
He has the scariest quack doc pals that I've ever seen
But I couldn't hide my tears at all 'cause C’s cooked best by U
And I'm down to seeds and stems again, too

Now everybody tells me there's other ways to get fried
They don't seem to understand, I'm too far gone to try
Now these sun ray memories, they're all I can't lose
And I'm down to seeds and stems again, too

Well, my blog died just yesterday, fans left me all alone
That CIGNA company called up today, they’ve reprocessed claims known
But that's just a drop in the bucket, pals, compared to losing hue
And I'm down to seeds and stems again, too

Got the down to seeds and stems again blues

Manana

If you checked into the Hotel Melanoma more than twenty-four hours ago, you’ve probably heard at least one well-intentioned but ill-informed friend or family member say something along the lines of “thank heavens it’s just skin cancer”. I certainly heard that a time or two. Some of those people rather quickly figured out that melanoma really is cancer upon hearing I was being hospitalized to undergo biochemotherapy treatments. And some never truly got it and won’t unless they get it themselves; and they continue to soak up the UV rays because they think it can’t happen to them and “manana” will never come.

Which is a so very human quality in all of us. We all do dumb things that put our health at risk, because we enjoy doing them, and we delude ourselves into thinking the behavior will never rise up and bite us. Oy.

So the next time you hear “it’s just skin cancer”, resist the urge to whack the person up the side of the head and, instead, enlighten them if they’ll listen. Or just smile and share this song from the Hotel Melanoma Songbook, Jimmy Buffett’s “Manana”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTD4tCcqXvA


They said I can't go back to pre-Black C life soon
Those goddamn nodes they’re gonna grow until pruned
Yeah, they're treatin' up in Denver so, truck up in car
And I'm feeling fear ‘screened from sun with new scars

Doctor man tells me that he's gotta treat
He's got a plan hidden up his shrewd sleeve
Wants to ‘scribe me a blastin’, a plan of strong kind
With IV confection he knows will be fine

Please don't say manana if you don't ‘screen it
I have heard those words for so very long
Don't try to describe the mole thing if you've never seen it
Don't ever forget that you just may wind up being wrong

Tried and I tried but I don't understand
Never seemed to break out the day I had it planned
Hangin' out at C cantina when Code Blue was called
Singin' everybody clear, patient’s heart just got stalled

But doctors and nurses aren’t in short supply
There's just enough ‘dope’ for us all to get high
I hear it gets better, that's what they say
As soon as I break out alive on Friday

Please don't say manana if you don't ‘screen it
I have burned tan lines for so very long
Don't try to describe this mean C if you've never seen it
Don't ever forget that you just may wind up in my song

Alright let's reggae tanners!

Bawled out my friends on those deep frightly rays
Sure was good to talk ‘bout my old UV-fried ways
While the lights of sun salons fry twenty-some guests
I see General Electric's still doing their best

I got to mend this blog thing pretty soon
Hotel M’s old and I'm fresh out of tunes
But I know that I'll get 'em, I know that they'll come
Through mole people in rages and Hollywood scum

So please don't say manana if you don't mean it (don't mean it)
I have heard tan lies for so very long
Don't try to deride ‘just skin cancer’ if you've never seen it
Don't ever forget that you just may wind up being gonged

And I hope that no freak Kardashian never ever does one of my songs
No no no

One Node Over The Line

After my kindly surgical oncologist found fourteen malignant lymph nodes back in the summer of ’03, my prognosis was looking just a bit grim. But thanks to a bit of luck and a boatload of toxic chemicals I’m still here nine years later.

I often wonder why in the heck I’m blogging and facebooking and haven’t “moved on” by now. But I think it’s because I hope I might lend some encouragement to newly diagnosed mole mates just by showing up and being counted among the undead.

So for all of you recent check-ins at the Hotel Melanoma, here’s a slightly twisted rendition of Brewer & Shipley’s “One Toke Over The Line”…


One node over the line sweet Jesus
One node over the line
Sittin' in gown joinin’ Black C Nation
One node over the line

Awaitin' for the scan that shows brain, sweet Mary
Hopin' that the scan is on time
Sittin' in gown joinin’ Black C Nation
One node over the line

Whoooo do you cure, I hope it's me
I've been a tannin', as you can plainly see
I felt no joy and I learned about sun rays that my momma said
If I should choose to make a part of me, surely strike me dead
And now I'm one node over the line sweet Jesus
One node over the line
Sittin' in gown joinin’ Black C Nation
One node over the line
I'm waitin' for the scan that shows brain sweet Mary
Hopin' that the scan is on time
Sittin' in gown joining Black C Nation
One node over the line

I ‘screen away the UV guile,
Now I'm not burnin’, showin' off pale style
I met all the cures and drugged myself anew
And to my surprise like everything else I've been through
It opened up my eyes and now I'm
One node over the line sweet Jesus
One node over the line
Sittin' in gown joinin’ Black C Nation
Don't you just know I waitin' for the scan that shows brain sweet Mary
Hopin' that the scan is on time
Sittin' in gown joinin’ Black C Nation
One node over the line

Don't you just know I waitin' for the brain that glows no sweet Mary
Hopin' that my brain in just fine
Sittin' in gown as new cancer patient
One node over the line

Don’t want to be
One node over the line sweet Jesus
One node over the line
Sittin' in gown joinin’ Paler Nation
One node over the line
Don't you just know I’m waitin' for the brain that glows no sweet Mary
Hopin' that my brain in just fine
Sittin' in gown in a PET scan station
One node over the line
Sittin' in gown in a PET scan station
One node over line
One node, one node over the line

Southbound

In a few weeks I’ll be heading off to Charlotte, NC for the AIM For A Cure Melanoma Walk. I wish that everyone I’ve “met” in the online melanoma community were able to attend, but know that’s just not practical for so many of you. We’ll be walking (and hoisting a pint or two in a toast) for everyone at The Hotel Melanoma.

With thanks to all of the generous donors who’ve sponsored me, or one of the other Charlotte walkers, I’ll leave you with a slightly altered version of The Allman Brothers Band’s “Southbound”…



Well, I'm Southbound ... Lord I'm takin’ AIM at you
Lord, I'm Southbound, Black C ... Lord I'm takin’ AIM at you
I got that old sun C feelin' that's sometimes called the blues

Lord, I been bloggin' every night ... oh facebookin' every day
Lord, I been bloggin' every night .. whoa facebookin’ every day
Oh, I can tell you there’s a plan ... sweet vict’ry’s on the way
Oh, you better believe
Well, I'm Southbound
Lord, I'm Southbound, Black C
Oh, you better make some other plans ... sweet vict’ry’s on the way

Got your hands full now, Black C ... oh as soon as we raise some more
Got your hands full now, Black C ... yeah as soon as we raise some more
Well, we’re gonna walk it all up for you ... for all the cures you should have had before

Well, I'm goin' Southbound
Oh, Southbound, Black C
Ohhhh ... I'm rollin' Southbound
Yeah, Black C ... walk it all up for you ... ohhhh ... the cures you should had before