Golf Like An Egyptian

A retired physician who plays in my Geezer Golf League asked me the other day, after we’d just finished a hot and sunny round, why I was wearing a long-sleeved golf shirt and long pants. My answer: "I had a bout with metastatic melanoma, and I don't want to do that again." His response: "Metastatic melanoma? I'd be playing golf in a f@3$#%g burka."

I think the good doc just might be on to a new fashion trend for golfing melanistas. An SPF 50 white burka, assuming I could figure out how to swing a club while wearing one, could save me from some future carving AND lower my sunscreen bills. Plus Nike’s “swoosh” symbol would look really sharp on one and I’m sure the company would be proud to sponsor a premier player like me on our local Extremely Senior Champions Tour. Tiger Who?

To the tune of “Walk Like An Egyptian” from The Bangles…



All the old players near to tomb
They do the sand dance doncha know
If they move too quick (oh whey oh)
They're falling down like a domino

And the hazard man by the Nile
He lost much money on a bet
All the crocodiles (oh whey oh)
They snap their teeth on your Srixon best

‘Scorin types with the hook and slice say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Golf like an Egyptian

The golf waitresses make our days
They spin around and they cross the floor
They've got the moves (oh whey oh)
You drop your drink then they bring you more

All the fool ‘kids’ so sick of hooks
They like the plunk of the metal brand
When the shotgun sings (oh whey oh)
They're golfing like an Egyptian

All the ‘kids’ in the par-less space say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Golf like an Egyptian

Line feet up neat bend your back
Fix left arm when you pull club back
Golf’s hard you know (oh whey oh)
So strike your blows on a hacker track

If you want to find all the shots
They're hanging out in the pro golf shop
Pray swing’s as planned (oh whey oh)
Pray hit the club, you’ve found the shot

Call me hacker geez with par yen
This par-free boy calls mulligan
And this wise geez knows (oh whey oh)
He golfs so fine like Egyptian

All the docs in the pro golf shop say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Golf like an Egyptian
Golf like an Egyptian