If I Had A Billion Dollars

I greatly admire billionaires who are just about as good at giving away money as they are at making it. A case in point is hedge fund billionaire Leon Black, who along with his wife Debra (a melanoma survivor) co-founded Melanoma Research Alliance. Check them out at www.curemelanoma.org.

Every so often I daydream about winning a big lottery jackpot and starting my own little philanthropic foundation. I’d name it “Rich’s Riches For The Cure”. (Of melanoma, of course.) But unless I actually start buying lottery tickets my daydreams don’t stand even a 1 in 175 million chance of coming true; and there’s just no honest way for a lawyer to get filthy rich practicing law.

But at least I have a song for my daydreams. To the tune of “If I Had A Million Dollars” from Barenaked Ladies…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHacDYj8KZM


 

If I had a billion dollars (If I had a billion dollars)
Well I’d buy you a gown (I’d buy you a gown)
And if I had a billion dollars (If I had a billion dollars)
I'd buy you designers for your gowns (maybe a nice Givenchy or Ralph Lauren)
And if I had a billion dollars (If I had a billion dollars)
Well I’d hide all your late scars (a nice reliant black ribbon deal)
And if I had a billion dollars, I’d buy cure drugs

If I had a billion dollars, I’d build IV fort in your yard
If I had a billion dollars you could help, it wouldn’t be that hard
If I had a billion dollars maybe we could put a little tiny fridge in there somewhere.
“You know, we could just go up there and hang out.”
“Like open the fridge and stuff, and there’d all be meds laid out for us like little pre-wrapped dosages and things. They have pre-wrapped dosages but they don’t have pre-wrapped bacon.”
“Well can you blame them?”
“Yeah.”

If I had a billion dollars (If I had a billion dollars)
Well I’d buy you a cure haute (we need a real cure haute that’s cool)
And if I had a billion dollars (If I had a billion dollars)
Well I’d buy you an exotic med (yep, like your mama I would free you)
And if I had a billion dollars (If I had a billion dollars)
Well I’d buy you insurance that pays (maul them lazy insurance drones)
And if I had a billion dollars I’d buy cure drugs

If I had a billion dollars we wouldn’t have to walk to doc’s store
If I had a billion dollars we’d take a limousine ’cause it costs more
If I had a billion dollars we wouldn’t have to be Black’s dinner
“But we would be Black winners.”
“Of course we would, we’d just beat more.”
“And buy really expensive checkups with it.”
“That’s right, all the fanciest C’s gone checkups.”

If I had a billion dollars (If I had a billion dollars)
Well I’d buy you some free meds (we need some real free meds, that’s true)
And if I had a billion dollars (If I had a billion dollars)
Well I’d buy you doc’s art (A free onc show like he’s your uncle)
And if I had a billion dollars (If I had a billion dollars)
Well I’d buy you some sunscreen (haven’t you always wanted some sunscreen?!)
And if I had a billion dollars I’d buy cure drugs

If I had a billion dollars; if I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars; if I had a billion dollars
If I had a billion dollars… I’d be Rich!

Happy Anniversary Melanoma Prayer Center

One of the unsung heroes of the melanoma community is Rev. Carol Taylor, who administers a facebook page called Melanoma Prayer Center. MPC is a labor of love and faith for Carol, and it seems like she’s available to her fellow melanoma warriors almost 24/7.

Carol (a/k/a Southern Mama Preacher) has been lobbying me for quite some time to do the Hotel Melanoma rendition of any song sung by Meatloaf. Suffice it to say I’m not a fan of his music, but I’ve finally succumbed because tomorrow, March 23, is the second anniversary of MPC and, in my book, Carol’s a true celebrity.

So for Carol, who’d do just about anything for her online flock, here’s my rendition of Meatloaf’s “I’d Do Anything For Love”…



And I would do anything for love
I'd run right into hell and back
I would do anything for love,
I'll never lie to you and that's a fact
But I'll never forget the way you feel right now, oh no, no way
And I would do anything for love

Oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love
But I won't do tan
No, I won't do tan

And some days it don't come easy
And some days it don't come hard
Some days it’s no fun at all
And these are the days that never end

And some nights you’re breathing fire
And some nights you’re garbed in fright
Some nights you’re like nothing I've ever seen before or will again

Maybe I'm crazy
But it's crazy and it's true
I know you can brave C
No one else can brave C now like you

As long as the planets are turning
As long as the stars are burning
As long as your dreams are coming true
You'd better believe it

That I would do anything for love
And I'll be there 'til the final act
And I would do anything for love
And I'll take a vow and seal a pact
But I'll never forgive myself if we don't join up and pray tonight

And I would do anything for love
But I won't do tan
No I won't do tan

I would do anything for love, anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do tan

I would do anything for love, anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do tan

Some days I pray in silence
And some days I pray for souls
Some days I just pray to our God for better drugs and normal moles

Maybe I'm lonely
That's all I'm qualified to be
There's just one and only
The one and only promise I can keep

As long as the wheels are turning
As long as the fires are burning
As long as your prayers are coming true
You better believe it

That I would do anything for love
And you know it's true and that's a fact
I would do anything for love
And there'll never be no turning back
But I'll never do it better than when I do it for you, so long, so long

And I would do anything for love
Oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love
But I won't do tan, no no no I won't do tan

I would do anything for love,
Anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do tan

I would do anything for love,
Anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do tan

I would do anything for love,
Anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do tan

I would do anything for love,
Anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do tan

But I'll never stop dreaming for you every night of my life, no way

And I would do anything for love
But I won't do tan
No I won't do tan

[Girl]

Will you raise me up
Will you help me 'round?
Will you get me right out of this Godforsaken brown?
Will you make it all a little less cold?

[Boy]
I can do that, I can do that

[Girl]
Will you cater to every prayer plea I got?
Will ya hose me down with holy water, if I get distraught?
Will you take me places I've never known?

[Boy]
I can do that, oh oh now, I can do that

[Girl]
After a while you'll forget MP thing
It was a brief interlude and a midsummer night's fling
And you'll see that it's time to move on

[Boy]
I won't do that, no I won't do that

[Girl]
I know the territory, I've been around
It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down
And sooner or later, you'll be grooving in brown

[Boy]
I won't do that, no I won't do that

Anything for love
Oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love
But I won't do tan
No I won't do tan

We're Having A Birthday

Today marks the third birthday of this little blog (and of my coming out of the closet as a melanoma survivor). My birthday wish is that it had no reason to be. But, alas, it does; and I’ll likely burn out as a ranting lyricist long before The Hotel Melanoma is demolished. Oy.

With thanks to all who drop in from time to time, and prayers that you all celebrate lots more birthdays of your own, I’ll sign off with the HM rendition of The Beatles’ “Birthday”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztoSUhbNntQ



You pray for more birthdays
It's my birthday too, yeah
We pray for more birthdays
We're gonna have some good times
I'm glad for your birthdays
Happy birthdays to you.

Yes we're blowing up the pity party
Yes we're blowing up the pity party
Yes we're blowing up the pity party

I would like you to dance (Birthdays)
Take a cha-cha-cha-chance (Birthdays)
I would like you to dance (Birthdays)
Dance

I would like you to dance (Birthdays)
Take a cha-cha-cha-chance (Birthdays)
I would like you to dance (Birthdays)
Dance

You pray for more birthdays
Well it's my birthday too, yeah
You pray for more birthdays
We're gonna have some good times
I'm glad for your birthdays
Happy birthdays to you!

Luck O' The Irish

From what I know about my family tree, I’m a western and northern European mongrel. Y-DNA testing indicates my patrilineal line of descent began with a Viking who evidently decided to settle down in the Scottish Highlands, perhaps with a nice Irish Catholic girl for his bride, and joined up with Clan Donald from whence my Scottish surname came. But a certain oncologist who was using me for “show and tell” (and talking about me like I wasn’t there) once told his young doctor disciple that “the patient” has “Irish skin”. And I’ve certainly enjoyed the luck o’ the Irish since checking into The Hotel Melanoma. So today, I’m Irish. And I’m thankful.

May the luck o’ the Irish be with you today and always!

To the tune of Mary Chapin Carpenter’s “I Feel Lucky”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gpp-pvFw_Fg



Well I woke up one morning found a mole on my back
I opened up my browser to the page ‘bout C Black
It only took a minute for this boomer to find
My Ray C dose of destiny ain’t lookin’ fine
My eyes just about popped out of my head
It said "the stats are stacked against you boy, get Black you’re dead"

I feel lucky, I feel lucky, yeah
No old Doctor Doom gonna stand in my way
Mmmmm, I feel lucky today

Well I strolled down to the clinic, gave my health card to the nurse
This costs eleven million so I called in sick to work
I saw a pack of doctors, got some chemo and some barfs
Scanned beneath the lights, always feelin’ in the dark
Those fries began to wander, skin began to moan
I heard a voice above me saying, "boy, you better check that mole"

But I feel lucky, oh oh oh, I feel lucky, yeah
No medical profession gonna steal my fun away
Mmmmm, I feel lucky today

Now eleven million later, I am living with some scars
I've bought a house of trouble and my doctors some new cars
Fright’s lurkin’ in the corner, trying to snatch my life
My medic’s right to chide me if sun tans are on my thighs
The moral of this story, it's simple but it's true
Hey the stats might lie, but the sun will get to you

I feel lucky, oh oh oh, I feel lucky, yeah
Hey guys, hey gals, folks, you do have to fight
Hot dog, I'm feeling lucky tonight

I feel lucky, brrrrr, I feel lucky, yeah
Think I'll flip a coin, I'm a winner either way
Mmmmmm, I feel lucky today

The Daylight Savings Blues

Just watching that ‘extra’ hour of daylight melt the snow and had a hankering to hear Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble.  (Since the Feds have now 'saved' an hour of sunlight, do I need to start wearing more sunscreen?) To the tune of “Empty Arms”…

You’re gonna miss me fickle charl’tan, sun ray days are gone
You’re gonna miss me fickle Ray C, sun ray days are gone
Cause I'm ‘screenin’ in the mornin', won't be back at all

You have run me ragged Ray C, your own fault you’re on your own
You have run me ragged Ray C, your own fault you’re on your own
You cannot have me no way Ray C, since those mother tans are gone

You can try to get me back Ray C, with all your tricks and harms
You can try to get me back Ray C, with all your tricks and harms
But when all your games are over, you'll be left with empty arms

 You have run me ragged Ray C, your own fault you’re on your own
You have run me ragged Ray C, your own fault you’re on your own
You cannot have me no way Ray C, since those mother tans are gone

You can try to get me back Ray C, with all your tricks and harms
You can try to get me back Ray C, with all your tricks and harms
But when all your games are over, you'll be left with empty arms

Low down and dead, and all alone

The Leathered Look

I had a nice chat on the driving range yesterday with a fellow golfaholic who turned out to be a physician who does cosmetic laser surgery. He told me my face was sun-damaged and that I ought to be using more sunscreen on the course, and reapply it after finishing the front nine. No kidding. Like tell me something I don’t already know. But I can’t seem to forget my fellow blogger Al’s story about applying sunscreen before hitting the range and then losing his grip and flinging a club high up into the air because he hadn’t wiped off his hands before taking that first full swing. That’s no way to start a back nine with playing partners who won’t give you a mulligan. So maybe I’ll just play golf this season in a hockey goalie’s mask—with my game, anonymity on the course wouldn’t be a bad thing anyway.


To the tune of Led Zeppelin’s “Good Times Bad Times”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auYKJTv94Tg



In the days of my youth
I was told that sunscreen can beat a tan
Now I've reached old age
I try to use all those things the best I can
No matter how I try
I find my rays into the same old jam

Good times, tan lines, you know I've had my share
Well, my onc man called home ‘bout a frown-eyed scan
But I still don't seem to care

Sixteen, I fell in love with a burn as ‘plete as could be
It only took a couple of days 'til C got hid in me
C swore that he would be all mine and bug me 'til the end
But then he withered in first year, I lost another ‘friend’, oh

Good times, bad times, you know I've had my share
Well, my onc man hit home with a drug trial plan
But I still don't seem to care

Good times, rad times, you know I've had my share
Well, my claims man called home 'bout a denied scan
But I still don't seem to care

I know what it means to be C-prone
I sure do wish I could go home
I don't care what the ray bores say
I'm gonna bug you each and every day

You can see sunscreen hidin’ my parts
Realize, sweet shade, we ain't ever gonna part…

Tethered

Once upon a time, I asked a young oncologist who has doing his post-residency fellowship training at my favorite melanoma clinic why he’d chosen melanoma research and treatment as his sub-specialty. His response was that he wanted to be a part of finding a cure, so that patients like me wouldn’t be tethered to the clinic for the rest of their lives. Good answer, don’t you think?

My biopsy/lumpectomy experience last November served to remind me how very tethered to that same clinic (and melanoma) I still am. I still show up at least a couple of times a year to spin the diagnostic wheel of fortune and do what I’m told. But “the cure” being the elusive dream that it is and may always be, and knowing that melanoma could still work me like a yo-yo but hasn’t, life at the end of melanoma’s string sure beats the alternative. Nevertheless, I’m not giving up the dream of someday cutting the cord and busting out of The Hotel Melanoma.

To the tune of “Wrapped Around Your Finger” from The Police…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svWINSRhQU0




You consider me just one of tenants
Caught between your Scylla and Charybdis
Victimized by you but I have lingered
Staring at the skin that I have cindered

I have only some years ‘til my dotage
Skin braised good and creased and blotched with wattage
I can see the destiny you sold
Turned into a whining batch of moles

I'll be wrapped around your finger
I'll be wrapped around your finger

Mephistopheles is not your name
I know what you're up to just the same
I am wishin’ hard for your remission
You will see it come to its fruition

I'll be wrapped around your finger
I'll be wrapped around your finger

Devil and the deep blue sea behind me?
Vanish in the air you'll never find me
I have turned my flesh to alabaster
Then you will find your servant is your master

Ohhh, you'll be wrapped around my finger
You'll be wrapped around my finger
You'll be wrapped around my finger

Turn It Up!

For all of you warriors who’ve had a close encounter with chemotherapy of the strong kind, and that merry band of oncologists at the University of Colorado Cancer Center who talked me into doing biochemotherapy, the Hotel Melanoma rendition of Autograph’s “Turn Up The Radio”…



I'm working hard, you’re working too
We do it every day
For every minute I have to work
I had a minute of rays
Day in, day out, all week long
Things go better with oncs
The only time they turn it down
Is when I'm sleepin’ it off

Turn up the rad chemo
I need the ‘fusing, gimmie some more
Turn up the rad chemo
I wanna beat it, got to gimmie some more

Now listen
I’m gonna shake, I’m gonna flash
So start it off, a one two three
I feel the heat, I'm in a trance
No better place to be
Daytime nightime, anytime
Things go better with oncs
I'm goin’ twenty four hours a day
I can't seem to stop

Turn up the rad chemo
I need the ‘fusing, gimmie some more
Turn up the rad chemo
I wanna beat it, got to gimmie some more

Turn up the rad chemo
I need the ‘fusing, gimmie some more
Turn up the rad chemo
I wanna beat it, got to gimmie some more

Turn up the rad chemo
I need the ‘fusing, gimmie some more
Turn up the rad chemo
I wanna beat it, got to gimmie some more

Turn up the rad chemo
I need the ‘fusing, gimmie some more
Turn up the rad chemo
I wanna beat it, got to gimmie some more