Don't Be A Dope On The Slope

There are three surefire ways to spot a Texan in Colorado ski country. One, he’s the guy trying to order a Corona Light in the local microbrewery. Two, he and his posse are standing smack dab in the middle of a ski run, just below the crest of a hill. And three, he looks like a raccoon at the end of a day on the slopes.

The UV Index on the high altitude slopes of the Rockies is frequently at a high or extreme level. And those intense UV rays are reflecting off that white powdery stuff we so love to ski on. Consequently, you can get your face fried in only a few minutes of unprotected exposure. Even on a cloudy day. So even if you are a Texan and are proud of it, try to at least act like a local and wear your sunscreen. And try one of those microbrews-- you just might find out what beer tastes like.

I’ll end this PSA with a new version of AC/DC’s “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap”…



If you're havin' trouble with your ski school dread/huh, huh, huh, huh
It's givin' you the blues/huh, huh, huh
You wanna graduate and get out ‘n shred/huh, huh, huh, huh
Here's what you gotta do/huh, huh, huh
Slap on your ‘screen, that sun is mean/huh, huh, huh, huh, huh
Wear it every time/huh, huh, huh
Just sing: S-P-F-S-P-F, hey
You’ll dodge skin cancer fine

Thirty ‘screen comes dirt cheap
Thirty ‘screen wear it deep
Thirty ‘screen lets you sleep
Thirty ‘screen and don’t look like creep
Thirty ‘screen and don’t look like creep

You keep droppin’ both your new ski gloves/huh, huh, huh, huh
You lost your cell phone smart/huh, huh, huh
Those double-diamonds ain’t your best friend/huh, huh, huh, huh, huh
That's where the sheer drops start FELLA, well-uh/huh, huh, huh
Slap on the ‘screen, that sun is mean/huh, huh, huh, huh, huh
Don’t take a cancer fall/huh, huh, huh, huh
Enjoy scenes, stay on those flat greens
You'll have yourself a ball, eh

Thirty ‘screen comes dirt cheap
Thirty ‘screen wear it deep
Thirty ‘screen lets you sleep
Thirty ‘screen and don’t look like creep, oohh
Thirty ‘screen and don’t look like creep
Whoa yeah

You do the snowplow and you want it gone/huh, huh, huh, huh
But you ain't got the guts/huh, huh, huh
It keeps naggin' at you night 'n' day/huh, huh, huh, huh
Enough to drive you nuts/huh, huh, huh, huh
Slap on the ‘screen, that sun is mean/huh, huh, huh, huh
It's time you saved a tan/huh, huh, huh, huh
For a fee, doc’s happy to be
Your Black C man, hey

Thirty ‘screen comes dirt cheap
Thirty ‘screen wear it deep
Thirty ‘screen lets you sleep
Thirty ‘screen and don’t look like creep, yeah
Thirty ‘screen and don’t look like creep
Thirty ‘screen and don’t look like creep
Thirty ‘screen and don’t look like creep
Discreet hues
No tan hide
UV-free
C’s not cheap
Ooo, trial time
RX
High co-pays
C’s not cheap, eah

Dirty C, do anything it want to do, C’s not cheap
Dirty C, dirty C, dirty C, C’s not cheap

Yaaagh

Crime & Punishment

Would anyone else like to sentence Dr. Oz to a dose of his own ‘medicine’? Quack. Before committing libel, I’ll sign off with some new lyrics to “Burning Down The House” by the Talking Heads…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8D4AsLzlM0


Watch out
You might get what you’re after!
Fool UV’s
Rays are not a danger?
Not-an-or-din-ary-fry
Burning Dr. Oz!

Hold tight
Wait 'til your party's over
Hold tight
You're in for skin like leather
There-has-got-to-be-a-day
Burning Dr. Oz!

Here's your ticket, pack your bag time for jumping on C’s board
Transportation is here!
Close enough but not too far, maybe you'll know where you are
Hotel M’s your pyre!

All wet
Hey, you might need a raincoat!
Bake brown
C’s stalking in bright tan light
Three-hun-dred-six-ty-five-de-grees
Burning Dr. Oz!

I was thrust into this place, sometimes I pity for myself
Kinda stuck in worst place!
Doctors who I pay to work; say boomer what did you expect?
Gonna learn Black C’s game!

Burning Dr. Oz!

This Oz
Knows not of the oncology
That's right
Try not to hurt somebody
Someone’s-sure-to-knock-you-off-your-feet

Burning Dr. Oz!

More medical facts for retort and you have not been truthful yet
Hotel M sticks together!
I don't know what you expect, blare crap from my TV set
Fighting liars with fire!

We Can Make It Happen

I hope that someday, somehow, melanoma will reach a “N.E.D.” status among the general public-- that is, “no evidence of denial”. No denial that melanoma really is cancer and that it’s quite deadly if not detected in its early stages. No denial of the breakable link between melanoma and excessive UV ray exposure, particularly from tanning beds. And no denial that melanoma is one of the Hotel Carcinoma’s ‘forgotten stepchildren’ when it comes to funding treatment research.

The “someday” part of the dream is largely beyond our control. But the “somehow” most certainly is not. It’s up to all of us who’ve already checked into the Hotel Melanoma to learn a lesson or two from the Pink Nation and speak out. Loudly and repeatedly. Even if we sometimes annoy those who are still in denial. And without apologizing for our advocacy. (Has any pink cancer awareness campaigner ever apologized to you for doing what they do?) Together, we can make it happen.

Once again showing my age, I’ll leave you with a new version of Chicago’s “Dialogue”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWODczdgGDQ


Are you optimistic ‘bout the way tans are slowing?
No, I never ever think of it at all

Don’t you ever worry
When you see who’s getting browned?

No, I try to mind my business, that is, no business at all

When it’s time to function as a reeling cancer being
Will your endorsement from Oz help you get by?

I hope to deny further, a few more years or so
I also hope to keep a steady fry

Will you try to change things
Use the power that you have, the power of a million warrior pleas?

What is this power you speak of and this need for things to change?
I always thought that leather skin was fine

Don’t you feel tan sessions just calling C around?
No, the UV’s here are very good for me

Don’t it make you angry that C’s war is dragging on?
Well, I thought the evidence showed that C’s cured now, I don’t know

Don’t you ever see devastation from the UV’s salons give
All the needless cancer, all the needless pain?

I haven’t been checked lately, my health is just so fine
And my friends they don’t seem worried cause they haven’t caught black’s crime

Thank you for the talk, you know you really eased my mind
I was troubled by the shapes of things to come

Well, if you had my outlook your feelings would be numb
You’d always think that every tan was fine

We can make it happen
We can change the world now
We can save the children
We can make it better
We can make it happen
We can save the children
We can make it happen

Shore Leave

I’m headin’ south of the border for a few days of much-needed warmth and ocean breezes, and I’m certain I’ll witness some fright sights on the beach that will provide inspiration for future blog posts. Adios amigos, and I’ll sign off with a new version of Jimmy Buffett’s “Cheeseburger In Paradise”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJi4bln-hHQ


Try to amend my sun-vivious habits.
Bloggin’ from those 70’s days,
Livin’ great in slow speed, beatin' sun power’s greed,
Wearin' lots of SPF and hidin' from rays.

But at times I crave these wonderful scenes
Some kind of ocean retreat.
Some sunscreenie, thong bikinis, Dos Equis,
With a big warm sun and a huge hunk of beach.

’Screened boomer in paradise.
Heaven on earth without tanning vice.
Not too articulate, not too concise.
I'm just a ‘screened boomer in paradise.

Tired of all those old time cancer meds,
Docs treat the same way again and again;
New stuff instead docs said could make me dead.
Well, it reminds me of the menu at the MDA Inn.

But times have changed for paler these days.
When docs report I get what I need;
No more cisplatin or vinblastin or fat IVs,
Just that optimistic prognosis on which I feed!

’Screened boomer in paradise, medium rare just wouldn’t be nice
Heaven on earth without tanning vice.
I'm just a ‘screened boomer in paradise.

I do fine with SPF all over
Mine’s fifty-something and paid lots of dough for
Abnormal freckles aren’t this old boy’s cheer
Well, good god Almighty sun rays do I fear

For I’m a ‘screened boomer in paradise
Makin' the best of every virtue and vice.
Worth every damn bit of sacrifice
To be a ‘screened boomer in paradise;
To be a ‘screened boomer in paradise.
I'm just a ‘screened boomer in paradise.

I don’t mind I’m whiter than potato
Past 57 and I still don’t fate know
This cancer’s fickle and it’s cost me dear
Well, good god Almighty sun rays do I fear

Stop Draggin' My Heart Around

Just a little rockin’ from Tom Petty & Stevie Nicks…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UD0c58nNCQ


Black C, you came knocking on my front door
Same tan lies you used to use before
I said ya, well
What am I supposed to do
I didn't know what I was getting into

So you've spread a little trouble I’ve found
Now you're keeping some demons ‘round
Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my heart around

It's hard to think about what you’ve wanted
It's hard to think about what I’ve lost
This doesn't have to be the Black C’s era
This doesn't have to be anything at all

I know you really want to tell me good-bye
I know you really want to beat all those cures

Black C, you could never look me in the eye
Yeah, you’ll buckle with the weight of new cures
Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my heart around

Tan beds running 'round loose in the world
Ain't got nothin' better to do
Than make a meal of some bright eyed kid
You need someone looking after you

I know you really want to tell me goodbye
I know you really want to beat all those cures

Black C, you could never look me in the eye
Yeah, you’ll buckle with the weight of new cures
Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my heart around

Stop draggin' my heart around

Fake Your UV

KC & The Sunshine Band’s “Shake Shake Shake”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgZOYt5kH9Q


Aah, Everybody, find out the score, take glance!
Don't fight sunscreenin', give yourself a chance!

Fake fake bake, fake fake bake,
Fake your UV! Fake your UV!
Oh, fake fake fake, bake bake bake,
Fake your UV! Save your beauty.

Aah, You can, you can do it very well.
You're the best in the world, I can tell.

Oh, take take take, quake quake quake,
Take your IV! Take your IV!
Oh, shake shake shake, shake shake shake,
Nurse on duty! Nurse on duty!
(WoWohoo,Yeah!)
Shake shake, shake shake!

Aah, fake bake, fake bake!
Aah, make big wake, make big wake,
Pale is beauty! Pale is beauty!
Oh, hate hate hate, hate hate hate,
Hate your Black C! Hate your Black C.

Aah, break break, break break, break C’s booty!
Aah, don't fight the ‘screenin’.
Break break, break break, break C’s booty!
Aah, give yourself a chance.
Fake bake, fake bake, fake your UV!
You can do it! do it!
Take break, take break, brake your UV!
(Listen to momma now!)
Make wake, make wake, pale is groovy!
WoooHOOOOHoooo!
Make wake, make wake, it’s your duty!
Aah, BROTHERS AND SISTERS.
Fake bake (come on), fake bake (come on), it’s your booty!
Aah! Do your duty. Aah haa!
Kick C (come on), kick C (come on), on its booty!

Teenage Wasteland

A whole lot of folks at the Hotel Melanoma are waging a grassroots awareness campaign to warn teens and twenty-somethings about the risks of excessive UV ray exposure. Some are active in lobbying for state legislation to ban tanning bed use by minors. But sometimes we’re just a little bit apologetic about it and express the concern that we’re “annoying” friends and acquaintances with our melanoma-related facebook posts and shared links.

I don’t recall anyone associated with the NFL apologizing about splashing the playing field with pink last October. Did they annoy me just a bit? Yes. Should they care? No.

I know that some people I know think I should’ve “moved on” by now since I’m “cured” and all, but they’re just gonna have to live with it or block my posts. Because I’m not going to shut up.

I’ll leave you with a new version of The Who’s “Teenage Wasteland”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dExnIXdvQ-8&feature=related


Out here in the field
We fight for what heals
We put our backs into more living
We do need to fight
To prove we’re right
We don't need to be forgiven

Don't fry
Don't braise and die
It's UV teenage wasteland

Children, fake the tan
We'll shout about tan bans
Put out C’s fire
And don't look past our shoulders
The evidence is clear
The Black C’s one to fear
Let's get together
Just so they get much older

Teenage wasteland
It's UV teenage wasteland
Teenage wasteland
Teenage wasteland

They're all wasted!

Pale's The Way

Just a skewed version of KC & The Sunshine Band’s “That’s The Way”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dd--tIkrVoA


Oh, pale’s the way, uh-huh uh-huh,
Docs like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Pale’s the way, uh-huh uh-huh,
Doc’s like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Pale’s the way, uh-huh uh-huh,
Docs like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Pale’s the way, uh-huh uh-huh,
Docs like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.

When docs take away my tan,
Tell me I'm their Stage III man,
When docs give me all those drugs,
And do it the very best they can,

Oh, that's the day, uh-huh uh-huh,
Don’t like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's the day, uh-huh uh-huh,
Don’t like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's the day, uh-huh uh-huh,
Don’t like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's the day, uh-huh uh-huh,
Don’t like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.

When I get to be in C farm,
When I’m down lyin’ prone,
When meds drippin’ deep, C will fear,
When they turn, IVs on,

Oh, that's the way, uh-huh uh-huh,
I’ll spike it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh,
I’ll spike it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's the day, uh-huh uh-huh,
C hikes it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's the day, uh-huh uh-huh,
C hikes it, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Mad,oh mad
(thats the way)
(oh thats the way)
(thats the way)
(oh thats the way)
Mad,oh mad
(oh thats the way)
(thats the way)

oh, Black’s the way, uh-huh,uh-huh,
I like it, uh-huh,uh-huh.
Black’s the way uh-huh, uh-huh
I like it uh-huh.

Oz For President

I’ve never watched this guy’s show (apparently it’s an Oprah spinoff, which explains that) but apparently he’s every bit as good at walking back an on-camera verbal gaffe as Gingrich, Perry, and the rest of that dwindling gang. He reportedly left his viewers with the impression that he agreed with one of his guests and thought limited tanning bed use was a safe source of Vitamin D, and now his public relations flacks are busy ‘splaining and backpedaling on the show’s website. Well, “doc”, what you really need to do to maintain any credibility with your fans is get on camera and admit you were misinformed. Put a real medical expert on your show, one who knows the facts about the link between tanning bed use and an increased risk of melanoma, and set the record straight.

Personally, “doc”, I don’t care what you do or don’t do, and just want to thank you for the inspiration for another fractured old song—Lesley Gore’s “Its My Party”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIsnIt1p978


Nobody knows where Doc Ozzy’s head’s gone
Seems he bought the tan line
Why was he touting those tans
When he's supposed to be fine

Its your party, and you’ll fry if you want to
Fry if you want to, fry if you want to
You could die too if C happens to you

‘Splainin’ bed’s records, keep preachin’ their fright
Leave D alone for a while
'Till Ozzy’s talkin' tan-free
We've got no reason to smile

Its your party, and you’ll fry if you want to
Fry if you want to, fry if you want to
You would die too if C happens to you

TV doc Ozzy just opened new door
Sayin’ ‘screen is the thing
Oh what a happy surprise
Ozzy’s preachin’ pale’s king

Its your party, and you'll fry if you want to
Fry if you want to, fry if you want to
You could die too if C happens to you

Pale But Not A Whale

My wife’s favorite sort of winter vacation involves some place south of the border with a beach and a pool, so that’s where we’ll be going later this month. Our destination this year seems to be quite popular with aged gringo expatriates who are quite fond of their Tecate and Dos Equis. So I’ll be an island of trim pale in a sea of overstuffed leather. And, yes, I’ll be feeling just a little bit smug about it.

To the tune of George Thorogood and The Destroyers’ “I Drink Alone”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpzqQst-Sg8


I ‘screen alone, yeah
With nobody else
I ‘screen alone, yeah
With nobody else
You know why I ‘screen alone
I prefer to be pale myself

Every morning just after breakfast
I don't want no sunburn on me
Just ‘screen and good buddy visor
That's all I ever need
'Cause I ‘screen alone, yeah
With nobody else
Yeah, you know why I ‘screen alone
I prefer to be pale myself

The other night I laid sleeping
And I woke from a terrible dream
So I caught up with pals on facebook
And read blogs ‘bout cancer scene
And we ‘screen alone, yeah
With nobody else
Yeah, you know why I ‘screen alone
I prefer to be pale myself

The other day I got invited to pool party
But I stayed dry instead
Just me and my pal UV blocker
And skin doctors’ SPF
And we ‘screened alone, yeah
With nobody else
Yeah, you know why I ‘screen alone
I prefer to be pale myself

My old tannin’ spree done caught up with me
And it made Black C oh so bad
The only ones who will pale out with me
Are my dear old blog fans
And we ‘screen alone, yeah
With nobody else
Yeah, you know why I ‘screen alone
I prefer to be older self

Dear Dr. Oz

To the tune of Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young’s “Ohio”…



Skin doctors and warriors gunning,
We've finally made truth known.
What bummer, I fear it coming,
More dead from Oz’s show.

Gotta get down to it
Tan beds are gunning kids down
Should have been stopped long ago.
What if you knew cure
And did not spread it around
How can you sun when you know?

La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la.

Gotta get down to it
Tan beds are gunning kids down
Should have been stopped long ago.
What if you knew cure
And did not spread it around
How can you sun when you know?

Skin doctors and warriors gunning,
We've finally made truth known.
What bummer, I fear it coming,
More dead from Oz’s show.

More dead from Oz’s show

More dead from Oz’s show.

If You Don't Start 'Screenin'

Just a little hard rockin’ to the tune of George Thorogood & The Destroyers’ “If You Don’t Start Drinkin’”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCkK0N0x57s


I'm tired of putting up
With your sun bed praise
Tired of looking at you
In your leather looking craze
You better change
I'm begging you please
'cause if you don't stop tannin'
I'm gonna grieve

I ‘screen up in the morning
I'm sun safe for youth
But I get no sympathy
Baby your tan’s uncouth
You better change
Yes, I'm begging you please
'cause if you don't start ‘screenin'
I'm gonna grieve

Sun wiser, sun wiser, sunscreen’s right
Spread a little nip baby it's your life
All a fellow wants is company
Come on baby find your pale with me

Yeah, you say tan’s alright baby
Sun won’t wear
But as soon as moles emerge
You’ll get that icy stare
You better change
I'm begging you please
'cause if you don't start ‘screenin'
I'm gonna grieve

Don't give me no lectures
'Bout healthy lights
Scan-xi-et-y
Just ain't my way of life
You better change
Yes, I'm begging you please
'cause if you don't stop tannin'
I'm gonna grieve

Yeah, sun wiser, sun wiser, sunscreen’s right
Spread a little nip baby it's for life
All a fellow wants is company
Come on baby find your pale with me

Yeah, you say tan’s alright baby
Sun won’t wear
But as soon as moles get bulge
You’ll get that icy scare
You better change
I'm begging you please
'cause if you don't stop tannin'
I'm gonna grieve

Well, if you don't start ‘screenin'
I'm gonna grieve
Yes, if you don't stop tannin'
I'm gonna grieve

Disco Demons

Lord help me, but they’re back by request. To the tune of K.C. And The Sunshine Band’s “Get Down Tonight”…



Mates, mates, let's get together.
Hotel fun, me and you.
And do the things, ah, do the things.
That docs like for you.
Do a CT scan, take a toxic drug,
Get pale for life.
Get pale for life.
Do a scalpel lance, take a MRI,
Check moles tonight.
Check moles tonight.
Moley mates, I'll meet you,
Same place, same time.
Where we can all get together.
And ease up our minds.
Do a CT scan, take a toxic drug,
Get pale for life.
Get pale for life.
Do a scalpel lance, fake a MRI,
Check moles tonight.
Check moles tonight.

Do the chemo dance, take some IL-2,
Take down this fright.
Take down this fright.
Wear a little black, raise a little funds,
Put C to flight. (Woo)
Put C to flight. Maties!

Black down, black down, black down, black down,
Black down tonight maties.
Black down, black down, black down, black down,
Black down tonight maties.
Black down, black down, black down, black down,
Black down tonight maties.
Black down, black down, black down, black down,
Black down tonight maties.
Black down, black down, black down, black down,
Black down tonight maties.
Black down, black down, black down, black down,
Black down tonight maties.
Black down, black down, black down, black down,
Get down tonight maties.
Get down, get down, get down, get down,
Get down tonight maties.
Make no home for C tonight maties.

Demographitti

FACT: Women aged 39 and under have a higher probability of developing melanoma than any other cancer except breast cancer.

Nonprofit organizations like the Skin Cancer Foundation have been doing a great job of late in trying to spread the “inconvenient truths” about the alarming increase in the incidence of melanoma among young women, which is largely attributable to tanning bed use among teenagers and twenty-somethings. But I almost never see any mention of melanoma’s impact on a demographic group that’s also near and dear to my heart, boomers, and it’s making me just a little bit paranoid. Is there a message in this silence? I mean, I know my g-g-g-g-generation is a ticking federal deficit time bomb, given the unfunded promises that Social Security and Medicare will be there for us in our golden years, and there are some who wish we’d just go away. So is the message that boomers are expendable soldiers in the war on melanoma, with a patriotic fiscal duty to succumb before reaching age 65?

Yikes. Suck it up, kids, I’m not going down without a fight and I’m not gonna die before I get old! And, meanwhile, I’m not gonna stop nagging you about avoiding the mistakes I’ve made. So there.

I’ll end this rant with a new twist on Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young’s “Teach Your Children”…



You, who are on C’s road must have a code that you can live by.
And so become yourself because the past is just a goodbye.
Teach your children well, their father's hell is where the moles lie,
And feed them all your ‘screen, not one they’d pick, the one your docs buy.
Don't you ever let them fry, if they scold you let it lie,
So just care for them and sigh and know they love you.

And you, of the tender years can't know the fears that your elders blew by,
And so please lend them both your ears, they speak the truth before they can die.
Teach what parents tell, their children's hell is where the moles lie,
And heed them when they scream, the bone they pick, the tales they’ve told twice.
Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
So just care for them and sigh and know they love you.

Good Company

Nobody, but nobody, chose to check into the Hotel Melanoma. The halls are ever buzzing with sad news about those approaching the end of their long, tough battles. But there really are a bunch of fine and inspirational folks living and dying here, and good company is the only thing that makes our stays the least bit tolerable. The tragedy is that ignorance and denial are filling up the place.

For all of you molemates, here’s tonight’s ‘Happy Hour’ anthem for the Hotel lounge, Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Melanoma”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwWUOmk7wO0


One ... two ... three ...

Pale me up

UV’s keep on burnin'
Fillin’ this home with you my kin
Singin' songs about our fool tans
I hate melanoma once again and I think it’s a sin ... yes

Well I’ve heard foolish young laugh about her
Well I’ve heard some fools put her down
Well I hope them fools will remember
This Hotel man don't want them around anyhow

Sweet home melanoma
Where our fries are so through
Sweet home melanoma
Lord I've left my home for you

In cancer land they love pink cancer
Woo, hoo, hoo
But we all do what we can do
That Komen fame does not bother me
Does black silence bother you? ... tell our truth

Sweet home melanoma
Where our fries are so through
Sweet home melanoma ... oh, yes
Lord they’re leavin’ home for you ... here they come ... melanoma

Now Hotel M has got some bloggers
And they've been known to pick a fight or two
Lord they get me off so much
They pick me up when I'm feelin' blue ... now how about you

Sweet home melanoma
Where the meds are so few
Sweet home melanoma
Lord I'm makin’ friends at you

Sweet home melanoma
Oh sweet home
Where the fries are so through ... and the treatments few
Sweet home melanoma
Lorrrdy
Lord they’re lining up for you
Yeah, yeah
My ... interferon’s not the answer

Melanoma; It's Tough Enough

Every guest of the Hotel Melanoma cringes when hearing the phrase “it’s just skin cancer”. I heard it from well-meaning friends who hadn’t a clue why I was doing multiple rounds of inpatient biochemotherapy. Looking back to that time, I now think I did a disservice to the melanoma community by banning all hospital visitors. At the time, my wife and I thought we were doing the right thing by sparing family and friends from seeing the alarming visuals of the treatment. Now I realize that I might’ve scared a few people into practicing safe sun had I not hidden from public view. And demonstrated to a few people that melanoma really IS cancer, with treatments that are every bit as ugly as those performed for “real” cancers. I guess that’s why I so admire all the bad ass melanoma warriors who’ve shed their privacy and shared a photographic record of their battles with this beast.

For all of you BAMW’s, here’s a new version of The Fabulous Thunderbirds’ “Tuff Enough”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIhlOjmwHXU


We will block our child from sun tans with ‘screen
Ain't no doubt about it Black C it's you we AIM to seize
We’ve wrestled with some dyin’, hope the public cares
It's black’s time baby, pink we don't wear

Ain't that tuff enuff
Ain't that tuff enuff
Ain't that tuff enuff
Ain't that tuff enuff

For you Black C we would swim in ‘screen
Nothing docs’d do to you that's too tuff for we
We'll call out those burning salons with our bloggin’ harsh words
And not even worry about dishing dirt

Ain't that tuff enuff
Ain't that tuff enuff
Ain't that tuff enuff
Ain't that tuff enuff


We'll treat twenty four hours, seven days a week
Just so we can go home and end C’s streak
We’ll fight you in the morning and we’ll fight you at noon
We’ll fight you all the night and make Black Cancer swoon

Ain't that tuff enuff
Ain't that tuff enuff
Ain't that tuff enuff
Ain't that tuff enuff

We’ll lay in the sights of radiation that C’s earned
And not even worry about getting burned
We’ll drown the entire state in ‘screen, fight insurance with pleas
Just to have you Black C run and flee

Ain't that tuff enuff
Ain't that tuff enuff
Ain't that tuff enuff
Ain't that tuff enuff

Ain't that tuff enuff
Ain't that tuff enuff
Ain't that tuff enuff
Ain't that tuff enuff

Keep Your Tans To Yourself

I’ll be heading to southern latitudes later this month to spend some beach time among the leather people, where I’m sure my phosphorescent white look and Yankee beach attire will draw some curious looks. Whatever, I really don’t care, and I just dare some weathered old bag in a thong bikini to inquire why I’m practicing safe sun. But I just had to write myself some music to sing along to while sipping something cool in the shade of a palapa hut.

To the tune of the Georgia Satellites “Keep Your Hands To Yourself”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdpAop7gp0w&feature=related


I got a lotta scans on my docket going jingle lingle ling
Want to call doc on the telephone baby he’ll tell you some things
But each time I walk I see the same old thing
Always no safe sun no screenin’ until I get to Yankee wing
My honey my baby don't put your life upon no shelf
I said don't hand me no fries and keep your tans to yourself

Fool baby baby baby why you want to treat thee this way
You know I'm still a living boy I still reel from tan days
That's when I told her my story 'bout these meds made by Dow
And she said no safe sun no ‘screenin’ until she look like leather cow
My honey my baby don't put your life upon no shelf
I said don't hand me no fries and keep your tans to yourself

You see she wanted her tan bad and I was about to give in
That's when I started talkin' tough love started talkin' about skin
I said honey C lives with you for the rest of your life
She said no safe sun no screenin’ until she feels those sharp knives
My honey my baby don't put your life on no shelf
Please don't hand me no fries and keep your tans to yourself.

Miracles

A heart-wrenching facet of networking in the online melanoma community is that death abounds. Good, funny, tough, and courageous folks who’ve received the best available treatment and the prayers of scores of loved ones, and fought like hell every step of the way, still succumb to this damn disease. But every so often one hears a story of seemingly miraculous healing and recovery. Is divine intervention at work in these tales?

My own views on that theological question are a muddled mix of hope, skepticism, and an uncertain faith. If prayers for healing work some times, then why is the answer to such prayers some times “no”? Is God even a micromanager to this degree?

I’ve had one experience that caused me to ponder about the healing power of prayer that I’ve never before shared with a single soul. I was incarcerated in the hospital following extensive neurosurgery to take a first whack at Mr. Schwannoma, and was experiencing some very intense pain and precious little relief from a morphine pump. A lay minister stopped by to offer me communion (which I declined for reasons I won’t go into here) but she nevertheless offered to pray for me. I accepted. I don’t recall a word she spoke but she laid her hand on my head as she prayed. Almost immediately, I experienced a warming, calming and soothing effect and the pain subsided to the point I quickly fell asleep. Was it just a coincidence, with pain meds finally kicking in at the time, or was something more going on there? All I know for sure is that I’d like to think it was the latter.

Maybe, just maybe, healing miracles really do happen. To the tune of The Moody Blues’ “I Know You’re Out There Somewhere”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjImFYf2Vzc


I know they're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know we'll find them somehow
Somehow, somehow
And somehow they will heal the pain in you

C’s mist is drifting slowly
I can’t see the way ahead
And I've left behind the empty treats
That once inspired my life
And the strength of the emotion
Is like thunder in the air
'Cos the promise that I’ve made this cancer
Haunts me to the end

I know they’re out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know they're out there somewhere
Somewhere You can hear our voice
I know we'll find You somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know we'll find You somehow
And somehow You'll begin our lives anew

The secrets of life’s beauty
And the mysteries of our souls
I've been searching for in every post I read
And the times I've been quite taken
It's impossible to say
And no grass is growing
Underneath our feet

I know they're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know they're out there somewhere
Somewhere You can hear our voice
I know we'll find You somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know we'll find You somehow
And somehow You'll begin our lives anew

You see I know cure's out there somewhere
O yes I know cure's out there somewhere
You see I know we'll find cures somehow
O yes I know we'll find cures somehow

The words that I remember
From my childhood still are true
That there's none so blind
As those who will not see
And to those who lack the courage
And say it's dangerous to try
Well they just don't know
That hope eternal will not be denied

I know they're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know they're out there somewhere
Somewhere You can hear our voice
I know we’ll find cures somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know we'll find cures somehow
And somehow we'll begin our lives

Yes I know it's going to happen
I can feel cure getting near
And soon we'll be returning
To the fountain of our youth
And if you wake up wondering
In the darkness He'll be there
His arms will close around you
And protect you with the truth

I know cure’s out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know cure’s out there somewhere
Somewhere You can hear our voice
I know we'll find cures somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know we'll find cures somehow
And somehow we'll return to life anew

Mama Told Me

For Rev. Carol, who’s used the line a time or two, the Hotel Melanoma version of Three Dog Night’s “Mama Told Me”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKaQzQAlNn4


Want some saline ‘stead of water?
Yervoy by IV?
What's all these hazy answers they're givin' me?
This is the craziest Hotel that could ever be
Don't turn on the lights 'cause I don't wanna see

Mama told me not to sun
Mama told me not to sun
"That ain't the way to have fun, no"

Open up the window, let some air into this room
I think I'm almost croakin' from your spell of doom and gloom
And those statistics you're quotin' 'bout scare me half to death
Open up the window, doctor, let me catch my breath

Mama told me not to sun
Mama told me not to sun
"That ain't the way to have fun, son"
"That is the way to be done, son"

The rad chemo is blastin', someone’s fallin’ on the floor
I'm lookin' at my nurse aide - she's running out the door
I seen so many things I ain't never seen before
Don't know what it is - I don't want this C no more

Mama told me not to sun
Mama told me not to sun
She said, "That ain't the way to have fun, son"

"That ain't the way to have fun, no"
"That ain't the way to have fun, no"
"That ain't the way to have fun, son"
"That ain't the way to have fun, no"
"That is the way to be done, son"

"That ain't the way to have fun, no"
"That ain't the way to have fun, son"
"That ain't the way to have fun, no"
"That is the way to be done, son"

If You're Feeling 'Moody Blue'

A request, The Moody Blues’ “Nights In White Satin”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9muzyOd4Lh8


Nights of fright whackin’, never reaching the end,
Nurse calls I'm hittin’, never meaning to send.
Beauty I'd always missed with those fries before.
Just where my youth went, I can't say anymore.

'Cos docs drug you, yes docs drug you, oh how docs drug you.

Gazing at people, some tannin’ fans,
Just what we’re going through they can't understand.
Some try to tell we, thoughts they cannot defend,
Just what they want to see, they will see in their friends.

And I’m drugged new, yes I’m drugged new,
Oh how I’m drugged new, oh how I’m drugged new.

Frights if moles blacken, ever preaching tan’s end,
Blog posts I've written, ever keen to offend
Beauty is ‘screenin’ mist, not those fries before.
Just what C’s truth is, I will say evermore.

'Cos I’m drugged blue, yes I’m drugged blue,
Oh how I’m drugged blue, oh how I’m drugged blue.
'Cos I’m drugged blue, yes I’m drugged blue,
Oh how I’m drugged blue, oh how I’m drugged blue.

Breath deep
The gathering gloom
Watch tans made
In UV ray tubes
Bed quitter people
Look back and lament
Another day's foolish
tanning was spent

Addicted sun lovers’
Hassle will come
Stage III man cries for cure
And has none
New mother picks up
And sunblocks her son
Senior citizens
Wish skin was young

Cold hearted nodes
That duel this plight
Remove black cancer
From our sight
Dead’s not gay, it’s
Yervoy’s fight
But who decides
Which drug’s right
And
When it’s for infusin’

Music For Mole Checks

I’m well aware that my non-melanoma world of family and friends pretty much ignores my silly blog and that I’m preaching to the choir. A lot of my Facebook friends who aren’t mole mates have probably blocked my posts because they find my awareness campaigning annoying or just plain boring. My guess is that a lot of us at the Hotel Melanoma are living a kind of ‘double life’. The cancer part of it isn’t meant to be a secret to the non-cancer part of it, but it is. Even my wife asked me the other day if I’d started writing songs “again”.

Oh well, here’s one to sing at your next bare-it-all skin inspection (and maybe a non-mole mate or three will have one performed this year?!). To the tune of The Rolling Stones’ “It’s Only Rock ‘n’ Roll”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOMTnLHDWRA


If I could stick a pen on my chart
And spill it all over my stage
Would it gratify ya, would it slide on by ya
Would you think this boy is strange? Ain't he strange?

If I could spin ya, if I could sing ya
A mole song that’s a rhyme
Would it be enough to cause bleeding hearts
If I broke down and died? If I died?

I said I know it's only checkin’ moles but I like it
I know it's only checkin’ moles but I like it, like it, yes, I do
Oh, well, I like it, I like it, I like it
I said can't you see that this old boy has sung a homily?

If I could stick a knife in my chart
Homicide is my stage
Would it take the buff off your tanning lust
Would it make you dread your sheen? Spread your ‘screen?

If I could dig down deep in my heart
Feelings would flood on the page
Would it notify ya, would it slide on by ya
Would ya think the boy's insane? He's insane

I said I know it's only checkin’ moles but I like it
I said I know it's only checkin’ moles but I like it, like it, yes, I do
Oh, well, I like it, I like it, I like it
I said can't you see that this old boy has sung a homily?

And do ya think that there’s some wonder cure around?
I bet you think that pink’s the only cancer in town

I said I know it's only checkin’ moles but I like it
I said I know it's only checkin’ moles but I like it
I said I know it's only checkin’ moles but I like it
I said I know it's only checkin’ moles but I like it, like it, yes, I do
Oh, well, I like it, I like it. I like it...

Save The Date!

There’s going to be a fundraising walk for the AIM at Melanoma Foundation on November 17 in Charlotte, North Carolina. I’ve been conspiring with some fellow bloggers and others in the melanoma community to make this event something more than a morning walk in the park, and perhaps a sort of mole mate Woodstock gathering. Plans are sketchy at this point, but we can pretty much guarantee there’ll be a rousing after-party, which will likely include some loud music and table dancing. If the Mayan calendar is right, this could be one of your last chances to teach the pink world that we at the Hotel Melanoma are younger and cooler and really know how to party. So save the date. Details to follow.

To get you into the spirit, here’s a new version of ZZ Top’s La Grange…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vppbdf-qtGU


Rumour spreadin' a-'round in this cyber town
'bout this walk outside in Charlotte
and you’ll know what I'm talkin' about.
Just let me know if you wanna go
to this walk that’s all the rage.
There’ll be lotta nice folks ah.

Have mercy.
A haw, haw, haw, haw, a haw.
A haw, haw, haw.

Well, come wear your sign if you got the time
and the black to put yourself in.
A hmm, hmm.
And we’ll party right, most ev'ry night,
but now I might be mistaken.
hmm, hmm, hmm.

Ah have mercy.

Your Wildest Dreams

2011 was a banner year for treatment advances for Stage IV melanoma. Unfortunately, the vast majority of Stage III fighters are stuck in 1996, the year the FDA approved interferon as an adjuvant treatment for Stage III melanoma. Given this dearth of treatment options, and the toxicity and limited effectiveness of interferon, many opt for the emotionally excruciating “wait and see” approach. A lucky few of us win the melanoma lottery and get a shot at a clinical trial treatment. And all too many Stage III patients eventually progress to Stage IV, which my own doc just a few years ago bluntly described as “uniformly fatal”.

Can you imagine the public uproar we’d be witnessing if Stage III breast cancer patients stood in these same shoes today?

My wildest dreams are that 2012 is a year of breakthrough treatment advances for Stage III warriors. (A six-week presidential election campaign with no TV ads came in as a close second.) And that some respected celebrity, and I’m not thinking Kardashian ilk here, uses the bully pulpit of fame to vocally and visibly champion the melanoma cause.

What’s your wildest dream?

Thanks to The Moody Blues, there’s a great old song to accompany your musings…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmmPFrkuPq0


Once upon a time
Once when tans were mine
I remember fries
Convecting was my prize
I wonder where cures are
I wonder if they
Lurk about me
Once upon a time
In my wildest dreams

Once my skin was new
My body wore no sunscreen hue
That greets high UV day
I wouldn't tear myself away
I wonder if cure’s there
I wonder if I’ll see December
Once upon a time
In my wildest dreams

And when insurance pays
And when my claims are
Left in fallow
When the music plays
I hear the sound
That I’m on hold now
Once upon a time
Once beneath the stars
The universe was ours
Cures for all were new
And all we knew was through
I wonder if cells grow
I wonder if docs know about it
Once upon a time
In my wildest dreams

And when the music plays
And when my words are
Touched with sorrow
When the music plays
And when the music plays
I hear some sounds
I have to borrow
Once upon a time

Once upon a time
Once when tans were fine
I remember skies
Mirrored in the tides
I wonder where cures are
I wonder if they
Lurk about me
Once upon a time
In my wildest dreams
In my wildest dreams
In my wildest dreams
In my wildest dreams

A Resolution Solution

If you’re anything like me, you suffer from no shortage of raw material for New Year’s resolutions. But in the unlikely events that a) you’re near-perfect and can’t think of anything else to work on; and b) you’ve yet to check into the Hotel Melanoma and are actually reading this post, here’s a suggestion: resolve to get your skin checked in 2012. And if you don’t want to (or can’t afford to) pay for it then go to a local health fair that offers melanoma screenings.

If you won’t listen to me, then please listen to Malcolm and Angus Young of AC/DC, to the tune of “It’s A Long Way To The Top (If You Want To Rock ‘n’ Roll)”…



Wond’rin’ what will docs say
Hopin’ you don’t glow
Blockin’ all the pathways
Playin' whack-a-mole
Gettin' probed
Gettin' stoned
Gettin' beat up
Skin and bones
Gettin' sad
Gettin' looks
I tell you folks
It's harder than it looks
It's a sure way to the onc
If you don’t go checkin' moles
It's a sure way to the onc
If you don’t go checkin’ moles
If you think it's easy tied to IV stands
Try stayin' in this Hotel M land
It's a sure way to the onc
If you don’t go checkin’ moles

Hotel M’s hell
Make you wanna fly
Doorman do the hard sell
Knows your stay’s for life
Gettin' old
Gettin' grey
Gettin' ticked off
Bills ain’t paid
Gettin' told
Second hand
That's how it goes
Livin' in this land
It's a sure way to the onc
If you don’t go checkin’ moles
It's a sure way to the onc
If you don’t go checkin’ moles
If you wanna be a star of stage don’t ‘screen
Look out it's rough and mean
It’s a long way to the top
If you want a Stage IV role
It's a long way to the onc’s
If you want to see a pro
It's a sure way to the onc
If you don’t go checkin’ moles
It's a sure way to the onc
If you don’t go checkin’ moles
Well, it's a sure way
It's a sure way, (so they tell me)
It's a sure way, such a sure way

Still More Verses For Nurses

I’ve been hospitalized five times during my stay at the Hotel Melanoma. Each time I was too ill and zonked on meds to care, or even notice, whether any of my nurses were head-turners. I do, nevertheless, remember that all of them were angels who did their best to care for a very sick and often quite cranky patient—and to keep green residents from killing me. So, I can’t think of a better way to kick off 2012 than with a lyrical “thank you” to the nursing profession. In my book, you’re all beautiful people.

To the tune of Roy Orbison’s “Pretty Woman”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PLq0_7k1jk


Pretty R.N., working on my beat
Pretty R.N., the kind that’s quick to treat
Pretty R.N.
I don't believe you, you're not the truth
No one could nurse as good as you
Mercy

Pretty R.N., won't you pardon me
Pretty R.N., I shouldn't try to flee
Pretty R.N.
And you are caring as can be
Despite patients just like me
Wow

Pretty R.N., stop a while
Pretty R.N., tap that vial
Pretty R.N., give this trial to me
Pretty R.N., yeah yeah yeah
Pretty R.N., earns her pay
Pretty R.N., say you'll stay with me
'Cause I need you, you'll treat me right
Save me from Doogie, he’s cause for fright

Pretty R.N., won’t walk on by
Pretty R.N., won’t let me die
Pretty R.N., keep me at bay, hey...okay
If that's the way it must be, okay
I guess I won’t go roam, it's late
There'll be tomorrow’s fright, but wait
What do I see
She’s got IV bags for me
Yeah, more IV bags for me
Oh, oh, Pretty R.N.