Melanoma Dreamin'

When asked what the heck it is that I do, I usually mumble something about being a recovering attorney, land trust volunteer, and blogger-- and then try to change the subject. (This is a more positive response than the full truth, which is that-- except during skiing and golfing seasons-- I’d sometimes rather be gainfully employed.) Consequently, I haven’t had to suffer through a performance review for quite some time and nobody cares about my billables anymore. But I miss the flagelation. So I thought I’d do a self-review of my performance as a patient during my recent checkup season of March Madness, as measured against my aspirational New Year’s Resolutions published this past December:

Accomplishments

■ I did not use Valet Parking during any visits to the “Name of Rich Oil Guy” Cancer Pavilion, so nobody who’s currently ill had to wait for service while my car was parked.
■ I did not grumble about having to fill out duplicative forms that I’ve completed dozens of times during past visits, even though I still don’t have any body piercings or metallic implants.
■ I completed my MRI without pharmaceutical assistance.
■ Mr. Schwannoma is “stable”, although I deserve no credit for that.
■ The melanoma doc and radiation doc think I’ve become a boring patient.

Areas for Needed Improvement

■ I just could not resist asking nurses and technicians whether they had detected a pulse or if any warm blood had been found in my veins, and I asked the resident who showed me the MRI scan to call my wife and report seeing a brain.

■ I told the MRI tech that I’d prefer an injection of single malt scotch into that IV line rather than contrast dye.

■ I did not react well when one of my appointments was unilaterally rescheduled.

Performance Improvement Plan

■ Screw it, I’m just not ever going back there again.

Overall Performance Rating (On a Scale of 1 to 5, 1 Meaning “Fire This Patient” and Nobody’s a 5)

■ 2.1 (But when it comes to being a patient, I’d rather be lucky than good!)

I’ll end March Madness with a song, to the tune of “California Dreamin’” by The Mamas and The Papas…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dN3GbF9Bx6E


All my moles are brown
(All my moles are brown)
And my skin is gray.
(And my skin is gray).
I've been to the doc
(I've been to the doc)
On a checkup day.
(On a checkup day).

I'd be safe and warm
(I'd be safe and warm)
if I was in the rays
(If I was in the rays)
Melanoma dreamin'
(Melanoma dreamin') on such a checkup day.

Stopped in to the doc’s I hired along the way.
Well I got down on my knees
(got down on my knees)
And I began to pray.
(I began to pray).
You know the doctor likes me pale.
(doctor likes me pale).
He knows I'll stay that way.
(knows I'’ll stay that way).
Melanoma dreamin'
(Melanoma dreamin') on one more checkup day.

All my moles are brown
(All my moles are brown)
And my skin is gray.
(And my skin is gray).
I've been to the doc
(I've been to the doc)
On a checkup day.
(On a checkup day).

If I didn't need him
(If I didn't need him)
I could leave today.
(I could leave today).
Melanoma dreamin' (Melanoma dreamin') on one more checkup day,
Melanoma dreamin' on one more checkup day,
Melanoma dreamin' on one more checkup day.