Don't Tan So Close To Me

Thanks to the billing excesses of certain entities in the medical community, I didn’t make it south-of-the-border this year for a winter respite at a beach resort. But that’s probably all for the good. Why, you ask? Because I wasn’t subjected to any visual assaults from weathered people who look like an old saddle partially wrapped in a strip or two of nylon with me, meanwhile, being all sanctimonious and smug about sporting a phosphorescent pale and mostly-clothed carcass and hiding under a palapa hut. Maybe I’m still just a bit envious of folks who can still bask on a white sand beach without disappearing, but I think it’d be a great marketing ploy if a beach resort offered separate “no tanners” sections on the pool deck and beach where we members of The Paler Nation could enjoy ourselves without feeling like we ought to be handing out our dermatologists’ business cards. A similar policy has worked out quite well for a handful of upscale Utah ski resorts that attract well-heeled skiers by banning snowboarders.

What do you think? Until next time, I’ll sign off with a new version of “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” from The Police…



Old preacher, no subject
Of schoolgirl fantasy
He wants skin so badly
Knows what he wants to ‘screen
Inside him there's longing
For tans of olden days
Mole mapping - C's so close now
His ‘screen is half his age

Don't tan, don't tan so
Don't tan so close to me

His friends aren’t so zealous
You know how tan ‘girls’ get
Sometimes it's not so easy
To be the doctor's pet
Temptation, frustration
So bad it makes him cry
Met Mohs doc, C's grating
His scars are worn with pride

Don't tan, don't tan so
Don't tan so close to me

Deuce docs in exam room
To cure they try and try
Long words in the staffroom
The gene mutations fly
Skin abuse, C needs cure
He starts to shake tan off
Just liked the old tan skin
That looked like orange improv

Don't tan, don't tan so
Don't tan so close to me

Don't tan, don't tan so
Don't tan so close to me