Futures With Sutures

My golden retriever pup Palmer and I have both started the new year in stitches, he as a result of neutering surgery and me for a repeat whack at excising a squamous cell carcinoma. While Palmer most definitely caught the worst end of it in our duel adventures with the scalpel, I couldn’t help but notice some marked differences in canine versus human patient care.

Palmer’s vet performed his surgery, while I got a supervised resident who didn’t look old enough to legally purchase recreational marijuana. His vet called twice within the first twenty-fours after his discharge to ask how her patient was recovering. I, on the other hand, was sent home with a derm nurse phone number to call if I exhibited uncontrollable bleeding or signs of serious infection. And when I got my sutures removed yesterday, the derm nurses weren’t entirely certain they’d gotten all of them out and instructed me to call if I noticed any signs of my immune system rejecting a foreign object and any more threads popping out of the incision site. When Palmer gets his sutures removed next week he’ll get hugs and dog treats, and I’m sure his vet will call at least once in the following twenty-four hours to check on his well-being.

So I’m seriously considering having my next biopsy or excision performed at Palmer’s veterinary clinic. While I might have to wear the “cone of shame” for a week or so, the superior patient care just might be worth suffering this indignity. Do you think CIGNA would pay the claim?

Until next time, I’ll sign off with The Hotel Melanoma rendition of Ray Charles’ “I Don’t Need No Doctor”…



I don't need no doctor
'Cause I know vet’s taking me
I don't need no doctor, no, no
'Cause I know vet’s taking me
My skin’s too gone astray from my ray spree, ahh!
I'm coming down with a skin disease
(I don't need no doctor)
(I don't need no doctor)

I don't need no doctor
For my skin lesions to be drilled
(I don't need no doctor)
(I don't need no doctor)

I don't need no doctor, I tell ya now
For my skin lesions to be drilled
(I don't need no doctor)
(I don't need no doctor)
Only my vet’s sweet charms,
Could ever take away skin chill
(I don't need no doctor)
(I don't need no doctor)

Now the doctor say I need tests
(hey hey)
But all I need is vet’s tenderness
(hmmm hmm)
He put me on the resident’s list
(hey hey)
When all I need is her sweetness
(hmmm hmm)
He gave me a medicated lotion
But it didn't soothe
(It didn't soothe)
My cell motion
(I don't need no doctor)
(I don't need no doctor)

I don't need no doctor
For my moles to get all gone
(I don't need no doctor)
(I don't need no doctor)
I don't need no doctor, no, no
Wahhh! My moles be gettin’ gone
(I don't need no doctor)
(I don't need no doctor)

All I need is my vet, see!
Take me, please!
Won't you please give me cone
(I don't need no doctor)
You know what I'm talkin' about?
(I don't need no doctor)

I don't need no residents (I don't need no doctor)
I don't need slow motion
(I don't need no doctor)
I say, I don't need, no nurse-on-call drills
(I don't need no doctor)
I don't need slow motion
(I don't need no doctor)
I say, I don't need, no nurse-on-call drills
(I don't need no doctor)