Sun Will Eat Us Alive

I’ve nothing to rant or whine about today, just had an uncontrollable urge to butcher an Eagles’ tune and reminisce about those long gone lifeguarding days. The Hotel Melanoma rendition of “Love Will Keep Us Alive”…


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uN4BbDbsC9w


I was tanning
All aglow amidst the girls outside
You were searching
For a place to hide

Cost lad Mole C
Now you've given me the will to survive
When we're young peeps...sun will eat us alive

Don't you worry
Some time we’re just gonna get it right
The cures are waiting
Right before your eyes
Now I've found you
There's much more SPF on hide
When we're young peeps...sun will eat us alive

I could die from you
Find the brightest onc man
Black C, there's nothing I wouldn't do

Now I've found you
There's much more SPF on hide
When we're young peeps...sun will eat us alive

I could die from you
Find the brightest pharm plan
Black C, there's nothing I wouldn't do

I was tanning
All aglow amidst the girls outside
You were searching
For a place to hide
Cost lad Mole C
Now you've given me the will to survive
When we're young peeps...sun will eat us alive
When we're young peeps...sun will eat us alive
When we're young peeps...sun will eat us alive

The Summer of '69

In the summer of ’69 I turned 16 and worked at the local Moose Club pool for the minimum wage of $1.50 an hour. As a naturally pale and freckled kid of Celtic descent, I was engaged in a futile effort to attain the coveted blond surfer dude look. Sunscreen, if it even existed back then, was out of the question. And the pool manager, an officious jerk who was a junior high gym coach and high school football referee who enjoyed terrorizing teenagers, wouldn’t let his pool staff wear a t-shirt or anything else but a Speedo. His rationale was that removing clothing might unduly delay our leap into the pool to make a save. So over the course of that and several subsequent summers, I got myself serially fried more than bronzed—especially on my back where a primary melanoma tumor cropped up nearly 35 years later.

But the truth is that I have no regrets over my choice of summer jobs and wouldn’t change a thing. I was being paid to hang out in the sunshine with friends, some of the female persuasion, and never break a sweat. It sure beat the heck out of the actual work involved in the jobs a lot of my buddies had as oil field workers, golf course or landscaping laborers, grocery store clerks, etc. And the ‘view’ was oh so much better!

Until next time, I’ll sign off with my rendition of Bryan Adams’ “Summer of ‘69”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9f06QZCVUHg

I got my first real skin singe
’Bought’ it at the lifeguard ‘grind’
Laid out 'til my skin turned red
It was the summer of '69

Me and some guys from school
Had suntans and we fried real hard
UV bit and mole C got scary
I shoulda known we'd leather too far
Oh when I look back now
That summer seemed to last forever
And if I had the choice
Ya - I'd always wanna be there
Those were the best days of my life

Ain't no use in complainin'
When you got a ‘job’ to do
Spent my evenin's brown at the dive-in
And that's where I met you U

Tannin’ was my cancuh’s torch
Who told me that I’d pay for leather?
Oh and when docs held my scans
I knew that it was now or never
Those weren’t the best days of my life

Back in the summer of '69

Man we were killin' hide
We were young and reckless
We needed U sun kind
I guess nothin' can last forever, forever, no

And now my hide’s all pale skin
Look at everything that's come and gone
Sometimes when I spray that cold sunscreen
I think about U, wonder what went wrong

Tannin’ was my cancuh’s torch
Who told me that I’d pay for leather?
Oh and when docs held my scans
I knew that it was now or never
Those weren’t the best days of my life

Back in the summer of '69

Heaven Only Knows

Maybe some day melanoma will become a chronic and manageable disease that we can all live with, instead of a killer of one person every hour in the United States. Or at least be a cancer whose progression can be slowed to the point it takes only leathered geezers like me, rather than so many young people who weren’t even born when the songs I fracture here were first recorded. Heaven only knows when, if ever, that day will come.

But meanwhile, everyone at The Hotel Melanoma can do something to help turn the tide against this beast. Share your story. Show your scars, if you can do so without risking an indecent exposure charge. Participate in a fundraising event and pester everyone you know to sponsor you. If you’re braver than me, get a black ribbon tattoo. Annoy your friends and family by spreading melanoma awareness on Facebook and Twitter. Or gently educate and scold the recidivist tanners among them. Just please do something.

I’ll leave you with another ode to melanoma, to the tune of Emmylou Harris’ “Heaven Only Knows”…



Wrecking lives, that’s your game
I feel your heart turn cold as rain
And know that you'll be gone some day
I hear the tan stores close
You say you got to go sell brown
I guess there's someone else you’ll hound
So why you're still hanging ‘round
Heaven only knows

Heaven only knows just why having you should make me cry
Make me feel like I could die
That's the way it goes
Heaven only ever sees
How sun's made a fool of me
I guess that's how it's meant to be but
Heaven only knows

I've heard it said that talk is cheap
But still our words they cut so deep
Lay me crying in my sleep
And the pain just grows
I don't know whose life is long
But all my tans are dead and gone
So why you keep me hanging on
Heaven only knows

Heaven only knows just why having you should make me cry
Make me feel like I could die
That's the way it goes
Heaven only ever sees
How sun’s made a fool of me
I guess that's how it's meant to be but
Heaven only knows

I'm going to yearn and blog away
There's something left for me to say
It could just change things on one day
Though, I suppose
The stuff I rave’s not always true
Well, I don't know what else to do
And how I'll ever get over you
Heaven only knows

Heaven only knows just why having you should make me cry
Make me feel like I could die
That's the way it goes
Heaven only ever sees
How sun’s made a fool of me
I guess that's how it's meant to be but
Heaven only knows

No Losers

A truly annoying phrase that seems to have become ubiquitous in the obituaries of cancer’s many victims is that the deceased “lost their battle” with the disease. It annoys me (and I know I’m not alone here) because it suggests something nobody means: that there was some sort of failure on the part of the deceased and if they’d done something more or different or fought harder they might have survived.

Take our bad ass melanoma warrior friend Jen, for example, who died yesterday afternoon after a long and arduous fight with Stage IV melanoma. This young woman received the very best available treatment and underwent a series of brutal chemotherapy and immunotherapy regimens, plus surgeries and radiation treatments. She endured more pain than I can even imagine. She never gave up, and did it all with grace, courage, and humor. And she’s just one of so many fallen warriors at The Hotel Melanoma who left no stone unturned in their fight to survive. Not a one of them was a “loser”. And if melanoma “won” in any sense of the word, it was only because oncology lacks the treatment weapons that would have allowed them to prevail for one more day.

I’ll end today’s rant with a tune that some may find inappropriate for the occasion, but I think it fits quite well. Bachman-Turner Overdrive’s “Takin' Care Of Business”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmwic9kFx2c



You get up every morning
From your alarm clock's warning
Make your 8:15 at cancer city
There’s a clinic full of drugs
And patients wishin’, patients strugglin'
And the ‘cures’, they don’t look too pretty
And if your doc’s on time
You can get to work by nine
And start your patient job and seize the day
If you’re ever paranoid
Look at C it’s on steroids
It loves to work at something all day

And we’ll be...
Taking care of business every day
Taking care of business every way
We’ve been taking care of business, never whine
Taking care of business infusing overtime
Work out

If it were easy as wishin'
You would be a magician
And you could take rounds ‘til C’s mellow
Get a second scan that’s par
Chances are you'll go far
If you get in with the right bunch of fellows
People see you saving bun
No more lying in the sun
Tell them that you like it this way
It's sun’s work that we avoid
And we're all paranoid
C loves to work at young skin all day

And we be...
Taking care of business every day
Taking care of business every way
We’ve been taking care of business, never whine
Taking care of business infusing overtime
Take good care of my business
When I'm away, every day whoo!

You get up every morning
From your alarm clock's warning
Make your 8:15 at cancer city
There’s a clinic full of drugs
And patients wishin’, patients strugglin'
And the ‘cures’, they don’t look too pretty
And if your doc’s on time
You can get to work by nine
And start your patient job and seize the day
If you’re ever paranoid
Look at C it’s on steroids
It loves to work at something all day

And we'll be...
Taking care of business every day
Taking care of business every way
We’ve been taking care of business, never whine
Taking care of business infusing overtime
Takin' care of business
Takin' care of business
Takin' care of business
Takin' care of business
Takin' care of business.....

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

I’m a slow learner, but during my extended stay at The Hotel Melanoma I’ve come to realize that my experiences with The Beast have had little or no effect on the tanning habits-- indoor or outdoor -- of the people I know in “real life”. But if I’d suddenly gotten religion and lost a truck load of excess weight, broken a chain smoking tobacco habit, or given up single malt scotch (which ain’t happenin’), could I reasonably expect everyone I know to follow my shining example and start living a healthier lifestyle? I think not. Nearly all of us engage in some behavior that we know presents a serious health risk, but we keep on doing it because we like to and, meanwhile, we tell ourselves we’re immortal and it’ll never, ever catch up and bite us. What was God thinking when bestowing free will on us dumb humans? Oy.

But maybe, just maybe, I’ve caused a handful of folks to think twice before getting repeatedly broasted and to practice a little more safe sun. And that, folks, is probably as good as it gets.

Meanwhile, I’ll continue to be a devotee of my new (and cooler) whiter shade of pale, ‘cuz I’m “once bitten, twice shy”. And there just happens to be a song by that name from Great White. For all of my tanning recidivist friends…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bz61YQWZuYU


Well the hide is gettin' charred
On you little girl
I'm a-hummin' and a-strummin'
All over blog world
You can't remember when
I got that tan deal
And you don't know
Just how a mole man feels
I didn't know what
Blockin’ moles was
Until I left fry summers
As a gray old cuss
I got fair in the nick of time
Before C got its hands
Across my state line

Now it's all riddles and all fright
On ‘skin cancer’ road
And some treatments don't work
And they’re oh so bold
You're lookin' fried
You're cookin’ hide complete
The gettin’ of The Beast
Could knock you off your feet
I didn't know what darkened moles cooked
Until I got ‘skin cancer’
From those fries in my youth
Half-baked moles from your tanning spot
By the look of your hide
You’ll be getting what I got

My, my, my
I’m once bitten, twice shy babe
My, my, my
I’m sun smitten, fry shy babe
My, my, my
I’m once bitten, twice shy babe

Oh man, I confess
Gonna cry ‘til I sleep
You’re wooden from tans
And my last blog’s peaked
Can't keep you pale you're messin' around
My best friends told me
That the best look is brown
You want the glow that this old soul spurned
So you bought tan package
And you ‘lived’ and you burned
You bought the spinnin’
You bought the greed
Get a little Ray C
Life is short and sweet

My, my, my
I’m once bitten, twice shy babe
My, my, my
I’m sun smitten, fry shy babe
My, my, my
I’m once bitten, twice shy babe

I didn't know I set a hot lymph node record
Until I saw those pictures
From some “other guy's” scannin’
Docs told me I was a lucky one
Just look at me now
Skin’s blocked and tan’s gone

My, my, my
I’m once bitten, twice shy babe
My, my, my
I’m sun smitten, fry shy babe
My, my, my
I’m once bitten, twice shy babe

It's The Real Thing

It’s come to my attention that my blog posts (and lyrics) are a bit verbose for an age of Tweets and text messages. So I thought I’d try fracturing one of the most famous commercial jingles of the 70’s. Sing along, it’ll only take a minute of your time.


To the tune of “I’d Like To Buy The World A Coke”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VM2eLhvsSM



I'd like to buy C world a home
And furnish it with love
No biopsies or IV trees
No snow white surgeon’s gloves.

I'd like to teach C world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to fry Doc Oz the dope
And give him biopsy
That's the real thing.

I'd like to teach teen world to ‘screen
With perfect SP cream
I'd like to buy teen world a poke
And keep kids cancer-free
That's the real thing

What tan world wants today
(Melanoma)
It’s the real thing

What tan world wants today
(Melanoma)
It’s the real thing

I'd like to teach C world to sing
(Sing with me)
In perfect harmony
I'd like to make Mercola jokes
And keep him off TV
That's the real thing

I'd like to teach C world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to buy the world a poke
And keep it salon-free
That's the real thing.

What tan world wants today
(Melanoma)
It’s the real thing

What tan world wants today
(Melanoma)
It’s the real thing

Hell Bent For Lent

Just for grins and for all those future check-ins to The Hotel Melanoma who are still buying the carcinogens the American Suntanning Association is selling, to the tune of Jackson Browne’s “The Road And The Sky”…


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPzBOpS28Ng

When we come to the place where the moles and sun lights collide
Throw me over the edge and get my clinic ride
They told me I was going to have to work for more living
But all I want to do is hide
I don't care where we're going from here
M.D., you decide

Well I tanned my hide in the middle of the 60’s “well”
And I can hear my skin sizzling clear as a bell
I used to glow when days ended and my world was tan
But now C’s getting hard to quell
I could be just around the corner from Heaven or a mile from Hell

I'm just rolling away from leather days
Behind sunscreen after swollen lymph node craze
I'm going to get a little whiter
And see if I can hot-wire my IV tree

Now can you see those doc crowds gathering up ahead?
You’re going to flunk ‘skin cancer’ screens like derm bible said
Now you can hold on steady and try to be ready
But every Snooki's gonna get mets
Don't think it won't happen just because it hasn't happened yet

I'm just rolling away from leather days
Behind sunscreen after swollen lymph node craze
I'm going to get a little whiter
And see if I can hot-wire my IV tree

For World Cancer Day

If it wasn’t for my friend Al’s fine blog post (http://blackispink.blogspot.com/2013/02/world-cancer-dayfebruary-4-2013.html) I wouldn’t have known that today is World Cancer Day. (And here I’d been thinking that today was merely an unofficial national day of healing for those afflicted with post-Super Bowl hangovers and lost game bets.) I wonder if that “Tan Your Hide” location down the hill from my place will be offering any sort of promotional discounts to commemorate the day?

I don’t have any wise or inspirational words to offer up today, just some fractured lyrics to a great old song, because that’s what I do. To the tune of Bob Seger’s “We’ve Got Tonight”…


bob seger we got tonight by iowaluder

I know it’s fate, I know you're weary
I know your plans don't include C
Still here we are, most of us lonely
Longing for shelter from all that is C
Why should C worry, no one will dare cure
Look at the scars we wear today
We've got to fight, who needs more sorrow?
We've got to fight babe
Why not today?

Deep in my soul, I've been so lonely
All of my hopes, fading away
I've longed for one, like everyone else does
I know I'll keep searching, even after today
So there it is girl, I've said it all now
And here we are babe, what do you say?
We've got to fight, who needs more sorrow?
We've got to fight babe
Why not today?

I know it's late, I know you're weary
I know your plans don't include C
Still here we are, most of us lonely
Most of us lonely

We've got to fight, who needs more sorrow?
Let's make it past, let's find a way
Turn out and fight, come take my hand now
We've got to fight babe
Why not today?

We've got to fight, who needs more sorrow?
Let's make it past, let's find a way
Turn out and fight, come take my hand now
We've got to fight babe
Why not today?

We've got to fight, who needs more sorrow?
Let's make it past, let's find a way
Turn out and fight, come take my hand now
We've got to fight babe
Why not today?
Why not today?