The Cancer Olympics

The Summer Olympics Games include a very odd mix of somewhat obscure sports. Take, for example, BMX cycling. I didn’t know grown men even did that. And equestrian dressage? Its inclusion can only be explained as a last-ditch effort to give upper class wealthy prep school twits an opportunity to compete in something without having to have any actual athletic talents. So, I see no reason that the games of the next Olympiad, summer or winter, couldn’t include some new events tailored to the peculiar talents of we Olympians of The Hotel Carcinoma.


A few suggestions…

● The 8-Hour Cancer Center Day Individual Medley. Contestants complete a blood draw, brain MRI, chemotherapy round, and checkup/consultation with an oncologist. The athletes are judged on their ability to find wherever the hell they’re supposed to go next, arrive promptly at the appointed check-in time and then wait catatonically until “they” are ready, complete redundant and unnecessary paperwork, coach phlebotomists on how and where to find a vein, remain motionless within the MRI tube for 60 minutes, appear upbeat and cheery while receiving infusions of toxic chemicals, and interpret the medical jargon and body language of their oncologist.

● Synchronized Chemotherapy Infusion Recliner Chair Exercise. Inspired by the sports of synchronized swimming and diving, this team event consists of contestants performing a two-minute synchronized routine of gymnastic movements without falling out of their recliner or pulling out their IV infusion lines.

● The Health Insurance Claims Department Hurdle Marathon. This is an individual event of indeterminate duration, in which contestants must repeatedly navigate automated phone systems, correctly input random strings of letters and numbers, figure out how to actually reach a live human being to discuss their claim and its payment status, repeatedly resubmit lost claims paperwork, clear all hurdles arbitrarily and capriciously erected by claims representatives, and refuse to take no for an answer until a claim is paid in full.

Other event suggestions? Anyone?

I’ll sign off with The Hotel Melanoma rendition of Queen’s “We Are The Champions”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04854XqcfCY


I've paid for hues
Time after time
I've done fry penance
But committed no crime
And rad skin flays
I've had a few
And I've had my share of scans
Missin’ my brain
But I've come through
And I need to blog on and on and on and on

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fightin' ‘til the end
We are the champions
We aren’t the tan ones
No kind of losers
'Cause we are the champions for a cure

I've taken fry vows
And my nursin’ calls
U brought me pain and more tunes
And everything that goes with it
I tanked U’s thrall
But we’ve seen home bed Mercola’s, Joe’s treasure cruise
And we consider it a challenge, we’re for the pale human race
And we’ll never lose
And I need to blog on and on and on and on

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fightin' ‘til the end
We are the champions
We aren’t the tan ones
No kind of losers
'Cause we are the champions for a cure

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fightin' ‘til the end
We are the champions
We aren’t the tan ones
No kind of losers
'Cause we are the champions!