Happy Leap Day

Just whose nitwit idea was it to add a day to February of all months? I mean, wouldn’t a double Saturday in June be a better choice for a calendar catch-up day?

Oh well, an extra day, an extra song to butcher, so here’s a new version of Bob Seger’s “Rock and Roll Never Forgets”…



So I’m a little bit paler and a lot less braver
Than I used to be
So sun used to bake me brown
But now I stop and think about the skin on me
So my sweet sunscreen’s turned thirty-some
I get to feeling queasy when my onc day comes
Well all he’s got to do is find C’s been into its tricks
Then I’m in a fix
Come back Black C
Mela mole never forgets

You better find yourself a derm doc
Go down to the clinic ‘fore your moles grow large
Check the local newspapers
Chances are you won't have to go too far
Yeah your doctor will be squinting ‘cause Black C’s so strong
The nurse will be staying and looking along
And all you got to do is bare all for some pics
’Fore C does its tricks
Get your skin checks, boomers!
Doctor Mole better inspect

Oh my tan’s still making C proud and mean
Listen to the surgeon’s scalpel making me scream
All you got to do is just wear your ‘screen for life
Heh sun bites

Well now my sunscreen’s turned thirty-some
Get a little tired staying out of the sun
Well all God’s children are out there getting sun fix
Don’t know ‘bout its tricks
Come back Black C
Mela mole never forgets
Said it’s that come back Black C
Doctor Mole always expects

A Little Respect, Please?

A request from the Queen of Attirude, the Chaplain of Soul, the one and only Rev. Carol: the Hotel Melanoma version of Aretha Franklin’s “Respect”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FOUqQt3Kg0


oo) What I want
(oo) Black C ain’t got it
(oo) What I need
(oo) Do you know pink’s got it?
(oo) All I’m askin'
(oo) Is for a little respect when it hits home (just a little bit)
Hey Black C (just a little bit) when it hits home
(just a little bit) sister (just a little bit)

I ain't gonna stand this wrong ‘til its gone
Ain't gonna take this wrong (oo) 'cause I’m tough mama (oo)
All I’m askin' (oo)
Is for a little respect when it hits home (just a little bit)
Black C (just a little bit) when it hits home (just a little bit)
Yeah (just a little bit)

You’re about to give pink all of your money
And all I’m askin' you we’ve earned, honey
It’s to give black its propers
When C hits home (just a, just a, just a, just a)
Yeah Black C (just a, just a, just a, just a)
When C hits home (just a little bit)
Yeah (just a little bit)

Ooo, new treatments (oo)
Sweeter than honey (oo)
And guess what? (oo)
So is your money (oo)
All I want you to do (oo) for me
Is give it to C when it hits home (re, re, re ,re)
Yeah Black C (re, re, re ,re)
Give it to C (respect, just a little bit)
When C hits home, now (just a little bit)

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out that it’s real bad C
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Leave those, UVs be

Oh (sock it to C, sock it to C,
sock it to C, sock it to C)
A little respect (sock it to C, sock it to C,
sock it to C, sock it to C)
Whoa, babe (just a little bit)
A little respect (just a little bit)
I get tired (just a little bit)
Keep on fryin' (just a little bit)
You’re tannin', Black C’s droolin' (just a little bit)
And I ain't lyin' (just a little bit)
(re, re, re, re) 'spect
When C hits home (re, re, re ,re)
Then you might walk in (respect, just a little bit)
And find out you’re gone (just a little bit)
C’s got to have (just a little bit)
A little respect (just a little bit)

A Brief Memo To The Personal Injury Bar

FACT: According to the Skin Cancer Foundation, seventy-one percent of tanning salon patrons are girls and women aged 16-29.

MORE FACTS: Investigators working for the House Committee on Energy and Commerce, posing as fair-skinned teenage girls, contacted 300 tanning salons nationwide and found:
· Nearly all salons denied the known risks of indoor tanning.
· Four out of five salons falsely claimed that indoor tanning is beneficial to a young person’s health.
· Salons used many approaches to minimize the health risks of indoor tanning.
· Tanning salons fail to follow FDA recommendations on tanning frequency.
· Tanning salons target teenage girls in their advertisements.

STILL MORE FACTS: According to the Skin Cancer Foundation, melanoma is the most common form of cancer for young adults 25-29 years old and the second most common form of cancer for young people 15-29 years old. Indoor ultraviolet (UV) tanners are 74 percent more likely to develop melanoma than those who have never tanned indoors.

THE BOTTOM LINE: There are thousands of young adults with a history of indoor tanning and a diagnosis of advanced melanoma who are now fighting for their lives. I’m just a recovering business attorney who never set foot on the plaintiff’s side of the bar and perhaps I’ve read too many Grisham thrillers, but even I can ‘connect the dots’ and see an emerging and growing field of personal injury law practice in representing the victims of the tanning salon industry. Can anyone say “product liability” based on “failure to provide adequate disclosure of the risks of using the product as intended”?

Monday Morning Fever

From the Bee Gees, “You Should Be Dancing”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yAkkpbm_8E


Those UVs hide at midnight
and right on till the dawn
My sunscreen stops my fryin’
my sunscreen keeps oncs gone

What’s that new thing on your back aah
What’s that new thing on your back aah?
You should stop tanning, yeah
tanning, yeah

C’s sneaky and C’s trouble
C gives it to you good
High sunscreen stops C’s power
Spread all ‘round like you should

What’s that new thing on your back aah
What’s that new thing on your back aah?
You should stop tanning, yeah
tanning, yeah

Those IVs flow at midnight
drip right on till the dawn
My ‘fusin makes me higher
my fever keeps me warm

What’s that new thing on your back aah
What’s that new thing on your back aah?
You should stop tanning, yeah
tanning, yeah
You should stop tanning, yeah
You’ll soon be scanning, yeah
You should stop tanning, yeah
You’ll soon be scanning, yeah
You’ll start C dancing, yeah

Girls Night Out

The fundraising affiliate of my favorite cancer center is holding a pricey cocktail fundraiser for “women’s cancers” this week. I know y’all will be shocked, just shocked, that melanoma isn’t on the menu of beneficiaries, despite its near-epidemic impact on young women. Don’t get me wrong, I still hope the event is a huge success even though melanoma missed the cut, perhaps due to some combination of ignorance and indifference among event organizers. But does anyone else want to bet that quite a few of the well-heeled women at this event will be sporting a tuned-up salon bake, fresh from the cancer incubator? Oy.

If any of you ladies here at the Hotel would like to attend and make a few choice comments to the leathered, I will pay for your ticket to the event.

Meanwhile, I’ll leave you with a new version of Neil Young’s classic, “Cowgirl In the Sand”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6ibl6PIKPM


Hello fool girl with the tan
And a cocktail
in your hand
Can I pray here
for a while
’Cause I see your
neat C style
Old enough now
to change your ways
When so many warn you
still pink’s all fame?
It's the women I knew
that make me want
to end this pain.

Hello beauty let’s discuss
Will your tan
turn you to dust
After all
those scans you’ll have
I am hopin' that
none glows bad
Old enough now
to change your ways
When so many warn you
still pink’s all fame?
It's the women I knew
that make me want
to end this pain.

Hello women’s cancer queens
Tan is not
the look of dreams
Purple scars
ain’t a great look now
To be good lookin’
ain’t to be burned brown
Old enough now
to change your ways
When so many warn you
still pink’s all fame
It's the women I knew
that make me want
to end this pain.

Motown Hoedown

For your dancing pleasure at tonight’s Hotel Happy Hour, a new version of Martha & The Vandellas’ “Dancing In The Street”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdvITn5cAVc


Callin' out around the world, are you ready for a brand new treat?
Summer's near and the time is right for sunscreen oh so sweet.
'Screenin’ from Black Cancer (sunscreen is so sweet)
Down into your genes (sunscreen is so neat)
It’s our pale ditty

All we need is new meds, sweet new meds,
There'll be new meds everywhere
There'll be skin checks, scannin’, and tan bed bannin’,
’Screenin’ is so sweet

Oh it sure does matter what you wear, just as long as you’re out there.
So come on every guy, grab a cure,
Everywhere, around the world

They'll be screenin', cause sunscreen is so neat.
This is an invitation, across the nation,
Black C is ours to beat.
There'll be laughin', singin', and new meds winnin'
Sunscreen is so sweet

Melanoma’s our prey, more and more are C-free now,
Don't forget that pale is pretty,
All we need is new meds, sweet new meds
There'll be new meds everywhere
There'll be beggin', prayin', insurance payin’,
Sunscreen is so sweet

Oh it sure does matter what you wear, just as long as you’re out there.
So come on every guy, grab a cure,
Everywhere, around the world

We’re screenin', Black C can be beat
Come down Saturday, on that day we’re walkin’ for defeat
Lets form a big strong line, and end C’s time,
This cancer we’ll defeat.
Across the ocean blue, molemates through
Our scannin’ is complete

A Gun Control Poster Child

Winter is wearin’ on me today. I just finished shoveling 5 inches of “no significant accumulation” off the driveway, and it’s still coming down. My winter hacking cough just won’t go away, and I don’t want to go see some doc who will overreact to my colorful medical history and order a chest CT that my insurance company will try not to pay for. Some friends at the Hotel aren’t having a good day today and I’m worried about them. If I owned a gun and a freezer, I’d be using the former to blast some holes in the latter. So, melanoma, just don’t f**k with me today.

From The Rolling Stones, “Gimme Shelter”…



Oh, C’s storm keeps threat'ning
Our very lives each day
If we don't get some shelter
Oh yeah, we’re gonna fade away

War, mel friends, it's just a scan away
It's just a scan away
War, mel friends, it's just a scan away
It's just a scan away

Ooh, see the snow is sweepin'
My very street today
Lays like a thick white carpet
Snow plow lost its way

War, mel friends, it's just a scan away
It's just a scan away
War, mel friends, it's just a scan away
It's just a scan away

Claims not paid!
It's just a scan away
It's just a scan away

Rays murder!
It's just a scan away
It's just a scan away

Fate burdens!
It's just a scan away
It's just a scan away

The flood is threat'ning
My very life today
Gimme, gimme shelter
Or I'm gonna fade away

War, mel friends, it's just a scan away
It's just a scan away
It's just a scan away
It's just a scan away
It's just a scan away
I tell you cure, sister, it's hit or miss today
It's hit or miss today
It's hit or miss today
It's hit or miss today
It's hit or miss today

Don't Mess With The Chaplain

For our Hotel Chaplain, who has a checkup this week with her dermatologist, a new version of The Blues Brothers’ “Sweet Home Chicago”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tlou_2lMLAc


Come on, oh Mela don’t you dare to go
Oh come on, oh Mela should be scared to go
Back to that same old place
Sweet home in my moles

Come on, Mela don't you dare to go
Hida-hey, Mela should be scared to go
Back to that same old place
Oh sweet home in my moles

Well fun in sun is through
Fixin’ you’d be great
Come on Mela don't you make me late

Hida-hey, Mela don't you dare to go
Back to that same old place
Sweet home in my moles

Come on, Mela don't you dare to go
Oh come on, Mela should be scared to go
Back to that same old place
Sweet home in my moles

Fixin’ thee takes time
I’m just fine in my ‘screen
Look here brother Black C and
you'll see that I'm queen

Hida-hey, Mela don't you dare to go
Back to that same old place
Sweet home in my moles

Oh come on, Mela don't you dare to go-oh-ooh
Come on, Mela should be scared to go
Back to that same old place
No sweet home in my moles

Chances Are

About a year ago my favorite oncologist told me “chances are” my melanoma is gone for good. I didn’t ask him to elaborate and put a number on the odds, because I’d probably prefer my imaginary number-- a 99.99% probability-- to his. And of course he added the caveat that there are no guarantees that it won’t come back so we need to continue to be vigilant with follow-up exams every six months. All in all, I walked out of the exam room feeling quite pleased with myself, although I deserve no credit for the optimistic prognosis. Still, it underscores the utter randomness and never-ending uncertainty of this damn disease when, eight-plus years out of treatment with no evidence of disease, my doc still can’t say that I’m “cured”. That’s just one more thing that nobody “gets” until they check into the Hotel Melanoma.

A new twist on The Rolling Stones’ “Tumblin’ Dice”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6U8JlcB_BzA


Tumors think I'm tasty, yes they're always tryin' to waste me
And make me burn the candle right down
But Black C, Black C, I won't be no jewel in your crown

'Cause all you onc docs is low down gamblers
Treatin' like you don't know how
But Black C, I go crazy, there's fever in this bunk house now
My low down bitchin' ‘bout that big load of stitchin'
You know you know C’s deuce is still wild

Black C, docs can't say, I got that mole C
And call C my tumblin' dice

Docs are in a hurry, I never stop my worry
Do see the time flashin' by
Black C got my money
I'm not fixin’ for Heaven ‘til time
Say now, Black C, I'm the rank insider
You will be my partner for life

But Black C, caught you late
I got that mole C and call C my tumblin'
Mole C and call C my tumblin' dice

Oh, my, my, my, C’s my own craps shooter
Playin' my field ev'ry night

Black C, caught you late
I got that mole C and call C my tumblin' dice, (Call C my tumblin')
Got that mole C, got that mole C, got that mole C (Oh yeah)
Got that mole C, got that mole C, got that mole C ( Keep on rolling, keep on rolling)

Lenten Intention

This Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent, which I’d have to say is my least favorite season in the liturgical calendar. I don’t know about you, but I just can’t think of a better time to play the Official Cancer Card. So the hell with it, I’m giving up cancer for Lent and not one thing else.

Just for grins, here’s a new version of Zac Brown Band’s “Toes”…



I got my moles checked all over, scans ain’t the plan
Not a worry in the world, no cold fear from onc man
Life is good today. Life is good today.

Well, my brain shuts down just about 3 o'clock
But that checkup’s still on my mind
Biopsies and IVs dance in my head
And I still call C’s baggage mine
Sunscreen and scars are their own prison bars like this life
I'm living in
Chemo brain is a bother.
I now look like my father
And I'm not going back again

I got my moles checked all over, scans ain’t the plan
Not a worry in the world, no cold fear from onc man
Life is good today. Life is good today.

Adios and vaya con dios
Yeah I'm leaving harm’s way
And if it weren't for that ‘fusin and protons shot from ray guns
I'd have no livin’ today
Adios and vaya con dios
Yeah I'm leaving harm’s way
Gonna lay in the hot sun and broil this old pale one
And grab my golf clubs and play

Four days flew by like a drunk Friday night as the last round drew to an end
They can't believe that I just wouldn't leave
I can’t bid adieu to my friends
Because my nurse tenders they’re always smilin’
My body's been dissed by these drugs
And I’m wearin’ in places some heckuva scars and I do know that it’s something I’ve won

I got my moles checked all over, scans ain’t the plan
Not a worry in the world, no cold fear from onc man
Life is good today. Life is good today.

Adios and vaya con dios
A long stay in harm’s way
Yes and all the doc honchos they like me big bunches when I throw dollars their way
Adios and vaya con dios
A long stay in harm’s way
Someone do me a favor and pour me some Jaeger
And I'll grab my golf clubs and play

Adios and vaya con dios
Going home now to stay
The CIGNA cheetahs don't care-o they’ll pay no dinero
I got no money to pay
Adios and vaya con dios
Going home now to stay
Just gonna gonna drive balls in the lake

With my ass in a golf cart
And Black Cancer at bay
Not a worry in the world and no new scars on the way
Life is good today. Life is good today.

Dead Celebrities

A high-profile dead celebrity could do a lot for the cause of melanoma awareness and education. Preferably one with a history of tanning bed use who lives long enough after her diagnosis to launch a large-scale campaign of public service announcements about the risks of tanning, before dying young and being buried, with live coverage on CNN, in a coffin that closely resembles a tanning bed. I could mention a few nominees, but I won’t go there.

But we can’t count on such a celebrity ‘windfall’, so meanwhile it’s up to all of us to wage a grassroots campaign. Like that of a gutsy facebook friend who today posted photos of her melanoma surgery scar, in an effort to convince teenagers not to use tanning beds. It’s a slow, tedious, frustrating effort to try to get the attention of a public that is still quite ignorant and indifferent about this deadly “skin cancer”, but it’s one that I truly believe will bear fruit if we keep after it. After all, I’m old enough to remember a time when nobody, I mean NOBODY, spoke publicly about breast cancer.

For all who’ve given up their privacy to try to keep the guest list of this Hotel from growing, here’s my take on The Rolling Stones’ “Satisfaction”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3a7cHPy04s8


I can't get no cancer action,
I can't get no Black C traction.
'Cause I try and I try and they fry and they fry.
I can't get no, I can't get no.

When she’s postin’ pix of scars
And a friend comes on the facebook show
He's tellin' me more and more
Sharin’ some useless information
Supposed to fire my new admiration.
I can't get no, oh no no no.
Hey hey hey, that's what I say.

I can't get no cancer action,
I can't get no Black C traction.
'Cause I try and I try and they fry and they fry.
I can't get no, I can't get no.

When I'm watchin' my TV
And a quack comes on to tell me
How tan beds give me D.
Well he can't be a doc 'cause he doesn't know
The same cancer stats as me.
I can't get no, oh no no no.
Hey hey hey, that's what I say.

I can't get no cancer action,
I can't get no Black C traction.
'Cause I try and I try and they fry and they fry.
I can't get no, I can't get no.

When I’m hikin' for the cure
And I'm postin' this and I'm bloggin’ that
And I'm tryin' to save some girl
Who tells me Black C never attack, tannin’s a treat
'cause you see I'm on an addict streak.
I can't get no, oh no no no.
Hey hey hey, that's what I say.

I can't get no, I can't get no,
We can't get no Black C traction,
No cancer action, no Black C traction, no cancer action.

A Binary World

Some time this spring I’ll have that six-month checkup with the oncologist formerly known as Dr. Death. I seem to have mislaid the appointment card and don’t know when it’ll be, but it doesn’t matter because his office always calls to unilaterally reschedule these things anyway so I’ll get a second chance to write it down somewhere. (Just once I’d like to call him and say my previously-scheduled appointment interferes with a prime tee time, so I’ll come in the following day, oh, say around 10 or so.)

At said appointment, he’ll most likely tell me I’m fine and a boring patient, so get the heck out of here until fall. But it just might not go well and be the start of a string of medical events leading to a confirmed Stage IV diagnosis. It’ll be very good or very bad, very boring or way too interesting, very happy or pretty scary; there’s just no in-between in the binary checkup world of a “NED” melanoma survivor.

But my little binary world has changed over the past couple of years in one respect. Whichever way the next checkup goes, I’ll have a band of brothers and sisters here at the Hotel that’ll cheer with me, cry with me, or pray for me, knowing exactly what I’m feeling. All I have to do is reach out. And for that I’m blessed.

But still, it’s either the Black C or me; one of us is gone, gone, gone. So I’ll leave you with Robert Plant and Alison Krauss’s rendition of The Everly Brothers’ “Gone Gone Gone”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YVRxAX6fwg


Some sunny day-hay Black C
When everything seems okay, Black C
You’ll wake up and I won’t be alone
Then I’ll be gone
Gone, gone, gone really gone
Gone, ga-gone, cause you done me wrong

Every drug that you meet Black C
Will lay you down to sleep Black C
Just ask us why we’re walkin’ with a throng
Why your cover’s blown
Just want you gone
Gone, gone, gone
Gone, ga-gone, cause we done you wrong

If you change your way Black C
I might not need to pray Black C
Ya better hurry up and just start leavin’ me alone
Or I’ll be gone
Gone, gone, gone
Really gone
Gone, Ga-gone
Cause you done me wrong

Check It Out

On the right hand side of this page, under the heading Melanoma Patient Resources and Blogs, I’ve provided an eclectic and non-exhaustive set of links to my favorite melanoma blogs, facebook community pages, and nonprofit organizations. If you’re in need of information, inspiration, encouragement or emotional support from your fellow melanoma warriors, please check out these links. They will introduce you to an online world of really fine and caring folks who will understand and empathize with all of the challenges, emotions, victories and losses you are experiencing as a resident of The Hotel Melanoma. Folks who will “get” what your family and friends may not, no matter how loving and supportive they may be. You really, really, don’t have to go it alone.

Just my version of John Mellencamp’s “Check It Out”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qxDBiiVjlQ


A thousand-some poets
Streamin' out their words
’Bout a world full of Black C
And yearnin' to be heard
Future generations
Ridin' on ‘net highways that we built
I hope they have a better understanding

Check it out
Goin' to doc on Monday
Check it out
Got yourself a biopsy
Check it out
All the medical bills can’t be paid
You can't tell your best buddy that you love him
So check it out
How to make time slow
Check it out
Got a brand new mole to docs show
Check it out
Keepin' C’s attacks from your loved ones
Sharin’ all that we've learned about happiness

Check it out
A spot to say hello to my molemates
Check it out
Sometimes I question my own behavior
Check it out
Talkin' about C’s cures that we dream will draw nigh
Just to tell our souls there’s still lots of time
So check it out
Gettin' too drunk on Saturdays
Check it out
Playin’ football with the kids on Sundays
Check it out
Soarin' with the warriors all week long
And sharin’ all that we've learned about living
Sharin’ all that we've learned about living

A thousand-some poets
Streamin' out their words
Maybe someday
Those words will be heard
By future generations
Ridin' on ‘net highways that we built
Maybe they'll have a better understanding
Check it out
Hope they'll have a better understanding
Check it out
Maybe they'll have a better understanding
Check it out
Maybe they'll have a better understanding
Check it out
Hope they have a better understanding
Check it out.....

A Women's Cancer

FACT: Women aged 39 and under have a higher probability of developing melanoma than any other cancer except breast cancer.

The fundraising affiliate of my favorite cancer center will soon hold a swanky cocktail event for women only, to raise money for “women’s cancers”. This event will not benefit the cancer center’s melanoma treatment program. Given the sobering facts about the rising incidence of melanoma diagnoses among young women, wouldn’t you think it would? Alas, but for me this is just another bit of evidence that we have a very, very long way to go in overcoming the current state of ignorance and indifference about melanoma. I just hope that none of the ladies will hit the tanning salon to freshen up that ‘healthy’ and ‘pretty’ tan in anticipation of a big night out.

Which reminds me of a great old song, “Roxanne” from The Police…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWdRu9IK5f8&feature=fvwrel


Woman
You don't have to put on the tan fright
Those days are over
You don't have to age your body in tan light
Woman
You don't have to tan impress tonight
Wear your ‘screen, please honey
You won't care which C’s wrong or which C’s right
Woman
You don't have to put on the tan fright
Woman
You don't have to put on the tan fright
Woman (turn off the tan light)
Woman (turn off the tan light)
Woman (turn off the tan light)
Woman (turn off the tan light)
Woman (turn off the tan light)
Woman
You’d hate C if it knew you
I wouldn't talk down to you
I have you to tell just how I feel
I would spare you from high dose Yervoy
I know your mind is made up
But think beyond that pink stuff
Told you once I will tell you again
Tan’s a bad way
Woman
You don't have to put on the tan fright
Woman
You don't have to put on the tan fright
Woman (turn off the tan light)
Woman (turn off the tan light)
Woman (turn off the tan light)

The UV Blues

There are two things in particular that I enjoy about blogging. One is receiving comments about posts. I blog to blow off steam and turn a host of negative emotions about living at the Hotel Melanoma into something positive-- like doing some good for a molemate I’ll never meet by putting a smile on their face. Comments are the only way I have of knowing whether a “pageview” represents someone actually reading, much less enjoying, a post or is merely the result of a Google search query sending some unsuspecting ‘net surfer to this Hotel when they’re really looking for something completely different.

Which brings me to the second thing, which is looking at the Google search queries that direct traffic to this site. My favorite query of the week is “does melanoma tingle”, and I’d like to try to answer that question just in case this searcher ever returns. I’ve consulted the Hotel Melanoma panel of experts (comprised this morning of me and my geriatric golden retriever who’s yet to make it out of bed) and our answer is “directly, no, but indirectly, yes”. My primary melanoma tumor never tingled-- heck I didn’t even know I had a mole back there, which is why everyone should get a thorough skin check! But that call from my primary care doc with the bad biopsy news sure made me tingle. I also tingle every time I enter the “Name of Rich Oil Guy” Cancer Pavilion for a checkup or whatever. And dealing with my health insurance company, whose corporate motto seems to be “we can outlast our customers”, quite often makes me tingle.

With thanks to all of you who take the time to leave those very kind and encouraging comments, and wishing everyone a tingle-free day, here’s my version of KC & The Sunshine Band’s “Boogie Shoes”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vHlqBt8mO0

Oncs, to be with you is my fav'rite thing
Uh huh
And I can't wait ‘til I see you again
Yeah, yeah
I got to live with my my my my my
UV blues
Must go boogie with you, yeah
I got to live with my my my my my
Biopsy news, must go boogie with you, uh huh
I got to ‘screen it 'til the sun burns up
Uh huh, and I got to do that 'cause
I did get enough, yeah, yeah
I cannot put on my my my my my
Doc Oz hues.
Must go boogie with you, yeah
I got to live with my my my my my
UV blues, must go boogie with you
Uh huh, yeah yeah
I got to live with my my my my my
Biopsy news
Got to boogie, with you, yeah
I cannot put on my my my my my
Doc Oz hues, can’t go boogie with you, yeah

Risk Factor Rock

My fellow blogger Al’s latest post (http://blackispink.blogspot.com/2012/02/uncontrollable-risk-factors.html) addressed uncontrollable risk factors for melanoma, based on information from the Melanoma Education Foundation. It appears that I had a 100% chance of getting melanoma. Yikes.

But I say if you can’t beat it, rock it. Just my version of George Thorogood & The Destroyers’ “Move It On Over”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXQ4tRlYgM0


Labs come in last night about half past ten
That Black C of mine’s gonna take a spin
Those moles are all over
Docs are all over
Get over little odds, a mean old onc is movin' in

Docs told me not to mess around
And I done let their trial go down
Moles are all over
Docs are all over
Get over those odds, the big, bad onc is movin' in

Saw lots of docs on the ninth floor
Got IVs, I can’t take no more
Moles are all over
Docs are all over
Get over those odds, a mean old onc is movin' in

C spread on out just as pretty as you please
Some day soon I may push daisies
Moles are all over
Slice me all over
Get over those odds, a mean old onc is movin' in

Yeah, listen to me doc before you speak your mind
That hide's yours and this hide's mine
Those moles are all over
Docs are all over
Get over little odds, a big bold onc is movin' in

Yeah, C cleaned my clock, knocked me on floor
Claims man please, you must pay some more
Moles are all over
Docs are all over
Get over little odds, a big bold onc is movin' in

Moles are all over
Moles are all over
Moles are all over
Wontcha docs get it over
Get over cool odds, a hot onc’s movin' in

Don't Get Fooled Again

A recent Congressional committee investigation found that numerous tanning salons flat lied to investigators posing as teenage girls about the risks of tanning. Maybe it’s just the lingering influence of having read John Grisham’s latest, but I’m betting that this investigation will encourage a class-action plaintiff’s lawyer or twelve to smell contingency fees and take on this industry. That’d be both great news and sad news. Successful class action litigation might change the industry’s practices and result in more risk disclosure to future customers. But class actions also tend to enrich the lawyers and short-change the injured victims through rushed pretrial settlements that are more about buying off plaintiffs lawyers than assuring that the victims of the defendants’ wrongdoing receive fair and adequate compensation for their damages.

Hypothetically speaking, if my oncologist had told me that my melanoma was the result of tanning bed use and I thought that my favorite tanning salon had been less than truthful with me in disclosing the risks of frequenting the establishment, I wouldn’t respond to one of those cheesy television ads with a toll-free number that seeks to sign up a herd of clients for a “mass tort” class-action case. Instead, I’d hire a first-rate personal injury lawyer, with jury trial experience in products liability cases, to aggressively pursue my case as a separate and individual lawsuit. Just sayin’…

With thanks to all of my molemates who are working to raise awareness of the dangers of tanning beds, here’s my take on The Who’s “We Won’t Get Fooled Again”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrHUD2XmLN4


We'll be marching in the streets
And those tan beds we’ll defeat
And the folly of sun worship will be gone
And the tans that spurred C on
Will be fashion that’s so wrong
Save those hides as we pale ones sing our song

I'll tip my hat to the sunscreen solution
Take a bow for the pale revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Tap on my keyboard and say
Just wear ‘screen today
And I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
Don't get fooled again

Change it has to come
We knew it all along
We were liberated from old Sol that's all
But the world looks just the same
Black C’s story ain't changed
'Cause the tanners, they still brown in the outdoors

I'll tip my hat to the sunscreen solution
Take a bow for the pale revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Tap on my keyboard and say
Just wear ‘screen today
And I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
Don't get fooled again
No, no!

I'll save myself, put my tanning aside
If I happen to be left half alive
I'll join all my molemates and hide from the sky
For I know that the UV lies never die

Do ya?

There's nothing in sunscreen
Cause cancer to go grow on me
And the warnings are misplaced, do not fry
And the tanning that is left
Is now the tanning that’s our fright
And the risks have all grown larger in our sight

I'll tip my hat to the sunscreen solution
Take a bow for the pale revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Tap on my keyboard and say
Just wear ‘screen today
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
Don't get fooled again
No, no!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Meet your new onc
Thanks to your Doc Oz

The Long Run

I’ve been blessed with eight years of “NED” status, although my doc has never used that particular term. That’s a long run. Much longer than I ever thought I’d have. And I often wonder whether I’ve used it well. If my long run of good luck ends the next time I have a checkup, what will I be thinking about what I’ve done and haven’t done with these years of borrowed time? Who’s going to win this race in the long run, me or the Black C?

Yikes, but I need to stop thinking and start rocking. My version of The Eagles’ “The Long Run”…


Eagles - The Long Run by ZombieQuack

I liked my UVs a lot, I never sunscreened a lot,
I used to play out in the mid of day.
Oh, I didn't get it,
It was high time I quit it.
I just couldn't carry on that way.
Oh, I did some damage, I know it's true.
Didn't know I was so mortal, till I got you.
Who can go the distance,
We'll find out, in the long run.
(in the long run)
I can handle some resistance,
if my drug, is a strong one
(is a strong one)
Folks don’t know much about you,
they got nothin' like a clue
when it all comes down they will
wish they’d knew.
In the long run.
Ooh, I want to tell you, it's a long run.
You know I don't understand, why you don't
treat myself better,
do the crazy things that you do.
'Cause all the cancer docs in Houston, Black C,
couldn't get a handle on you.
Can we kill you with drugs?
Can we raise enough money?
Do you do it for spite?
Do you think you have to, Black C?
Who is gonna make it?
We'll find out, in the long run.
(in the long run)
I know we can make it,
if our drug, is a strong one.
(is a strong one)
Well, we're scared, but we ain't shakin'.
Kinda bent, but we ain't breakin'.
In the long run,
Ooh, I want to tell you, it's a long run.
In the long run, Ooh, ahh, ehh.
In the long run
Going to find out, f-f-f-f-find out.
Long long long long, long long long long.
Ooh run run run Black C, run run Black C.
Long, long, long, long.
Ooh, ahh, ehh, ehh.

I Got You Babe

I really do hate all brands of cancer, particularly melanoma. So here’s a new version of Sonny and Cher’s ‘60’s love song…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsO8R8u0MYk&feature=related


You prey on young when we don't know
We won't find out until we're grown
Well I don't know if tans caused you
But you got me, and Black C I got you

Babe
I got you babe
I got you babe

They say no drug will slay this gent
Before C’s spurned,
Our money's all been spent
I guess that's so we can’t smoke med pot
But at least I'm sure
Of all the things I’ve got

Babe
I got you babe
I got you babe

I got checkups in the spring
I thank you for chemo fling
And when you’re bad, I wear gowns
And so I get scared, you're always around

Don't let them say your scare’s gone long
'Cause I don't care,
With you things can go wrong
I’ll tell your evil plans online
There ain't no cure for tan beds
Docs can find

Babe
I got you babe
I got you babe

I got you for docs to scan
I got no insurance plan
I got you to stalk with me
I got you so docs poke me
I got you and miss sun light
I got you to cause me fright
I got you, you won't let go
I got you to spread like so
I got you babe
I got you babe
I got you babe
I got you babe

Biopsy Rock

To the tune of The Rolling Stones’ “Honky Tonk Woman”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Kve_N8rmmQ


I met a cancer doc in green in Denver,
She tried to make my moles into some slides.
She had to treat me right ‘cause I got older
But I just can't seem to get C off my mind.

She’s a onc-y doc woman
Gimme, gimme, gimme the onc-y doc blues.

I had a biopsy in the breast clinic,
I must have looked like some kind of a sight.
The ladies there they stared at me down noses,
She punched some holes and then I knew I’m fine.

She’s a onc-y doc woman
Gimme, gimme, gimme the onc-y doc blues.

(Yeah!) She’s a onc-y doc woman.
Gimme, gimme, gimme the onc-y doc blues.

(Yeah!) She’s a onc-y doc woman.
Gimme, gimme, gimme the onc-y doc blues.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

I guess I must have an evil streak, because I’m getting some chuckles out of watching that famous pink cancer foundation trying to find its way out of the ‘no-win’ public relations minefield it bumbled and stumbled into while trying to do good. And I’m selfishly hoping that just a little bit of any donor and sponsor fallout falls on the Hotel Melanoma.

But what it all confirms for me is that it’s impossible for a really big and cash-rich nonprofit to bat a thousand and always do a great job of giving away buckets of money in ways that achieve its mission and provide the best ‘bang for the buck’. And no matter how good of a job it may do in awarding grants, one camp or another among the organization’s donors is occasionally going to get vocally upset when they find out for the first time exactly who and what their donations are funding (or not).

Not that anyone asked but my advice is that when it comes to supporting your favorite cancer, keep your money close to home and designate how your gift is to be used. We guests of the Hotel Carcinoma need look no further than “our” cancer treatment center (or its supporting nonprofit affiliate) to find a targeted way to lend financial support to fighting “our” cancer and helping “our” fellow cancer warriors in ways that are consistent with our personal values, whatever they may be. So before you make out that next donation check to some large national cancer nonprofit, knowing next to nothing about how your money will be used, please check out what’s on the giving menu at your favorite cancer treatment center. If you want to help fund a particular good cause like providing screening mammograms for women who might not otherwise receive them, you can almost certainly do that and only that in the city where you live.

With just a teensy bit of sympathy for the “you know who” foundation, here’s my version of Bob Dylan’s “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIM03siHuaM


Well, they'll stone ya when you're trying to be so good,
They'll stone ya just a-right for cause they stood.
They'll stone ya when you're tryin' to cure C.
Then they'll stone ya ‘cause you can't always please.
But you should not feel so all alone,
Every (c)(3) must get stoned.

Well, they'll stone ya ‘cause they’re walkin' 'long the street.
They'll stone ya when you're tryin' to cancer beat.
They'll stone ya when you're talkin' on TV.
They'll stone ya when you're ‘splainin’ why you fleed.
But you should not feel so all alone,
Every (c)(3) must get stoned.

They'll stone ya when you're at the Congress table.
They'll stone ya ‘cause you are rich and able.
They'll stone ya if you're lyin' to raise a buck.
They'll stone ya and then they'll say, "get f****d."
Tell ya what, you should not feel so all alone,
Every (c)(3) must get stoned.

Well, they'll stone you and say that it's the end.
Then they'll stone you and then they'll give bucks again.
They'll stone you if you're losing all your tact.
They'll stone you if you're playing with the facts.
Yes, but you should not feel so all alone,
Every (c)(3) must get stoned.

Well, they'll stone you ‘cause you sit on a throne.
They'll stone you ‘cause you think pink’s your own.
They'll stone you and then say you aren’t brave.
They'll stone you when they are learning where they gave.
But you should not feel so all alone,
Every (c)(3) must get stoned.

Snow Daze

It’s snowin’ and blowin’ here in Colorado, my annual ski trip with the boomer delinquents doesn’t start until tomorrow, and I’m not ready to fire up the snowblower. So I had nothing better to do than butcher a classic from Loggins and Messina, “Your Mama Don’t Dance”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hlMi6PvUDE


This boomer sun tanned
And this Black C done whacked his moles
The doctor will scan
If this boomer don't block ole Sol
When checkup comes around
And it's time to wear the gown
Where do you glow
Will Black C show

Well, the C docs say
That they gotta scan your fate at ten
If your doctor’s not late
And your tumor looks great it's a grin
You know there's more infusin'
You know C’s gonna lose and never win
I'll play it again

And it's all because
This boomer sun tanned
And this Black C done whacked his moles
Insurance don't last
And your money won't pay the toll
When checkup comes around
And it's time to wear the gown
Where do you glow
Will Black C show

You pull into the clinic
And find a place to park
You hop into the scan tube
Where you know it's nice and dark
You're just about to doze off,
Thinkin' it's a breeze
There's a light in your eyes
And then a doc says
"Out of the tube, you there"
"Oh jeez, you're showin’ some C
It’s time for IV’s"

And it's all because
This boomer sun tanned
And this cancer done ‘tacked his moles
My doctor did scans
And this boomer then paid his toll
When checkup comes around
And it's time to wear the gown
Where do you glow
Will Black C show
How could you know
’Bout cancer’s toll
Where do you go
Where pink don’t show

Groundhog Day

No matter how hard we try, we really can’t fully understand another person’s life experiences until we’ve walked in their shoes. This holds particularly true for the guests of The Hotel Carcinoma. As my friend Rev. Carol Taylor puts it, when it comes to understanding the experience of living with melanoma, or any other cancer, nobody really gets it until they get it.

I’m one lucky boomer, in my eighth year of N.E.D. status after a Stage IIIc diagnosis and some very nasty treatment. My doc is cautiously optimistic I’ll stay that way, so I am too. But he invariably tells me that melanoma can still come roaring back in my lungs, liver, brain if I had one, whatever, so we need to be vigilant and watchful. Consequently, I feel a bit like Bill Murray’s character in the movie Groundhog Day, waking up in this same Hotel and living the same day over and over and over-- but trying to do it all just a bit better each day.

So, folks, if you haven’t walked in the shoes of a "cancer survivor" (a term I don’t much like because it suggests the fight is all past history), whatever you do don’t tell us we’re “cured” so we need to “move on” and “get over it”. Like Murray’s character, we’re stuck in a place and time we can’t seem to leave but we’re doing our very best to seize our personal Groundhog Days and live them fully with all the zest and flair we can muster.

I’ll end today’s homily with a new version of Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers’ “You Don’t Know How It Feels”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsH4CrwExCQ


Let me sing to you tonight
I'll take you on the C life ride
There's some place I wish to flee
Black C don't give a damn for me

But let me get to the point, can’t blow this Hotel joint
And shout the message real loud, I'm not alone and I’m proud
You don't know how it feels
You don't know how it feels to be me

Cancer comes, cancer goes
Watch those lungs, watch those moles
I wake up in between
Bad memories and life’s dreams

So let's get to the point, can’t blow this Hotel joint
Can’t head on down the road
There's nowhere I get to go
And you don't know how it feels
You don't know how it feels to be me

My old tan was born to rock
It's still tryin' to stop my clock
Think of C what you will
I've got my little case to kill

So let's get to the point, can’t blow this Hotel joint
And can’t head on down the road
There's nowhere I get to go
And you don't know how it feels
No, you don't know how it feels to be me

Ain't Too Proud To Beg

One of the many things I really hate about melanoma is its effect on my enjoyment of the great outdoors. Thanks to the effects of treatments that eradicated a lot of the melanin cells in my body, my old hide is extremely sun-sensitive and reacts badly to even a few minutes of unprotected sun exposure. So last week when I was lolling around a beach hotel under the triple-redundant cover of sunscreen AND clothing AND umbrella, I found myself observing bronzed hotel guests with an odd mix of envy and concern for their health. Most of the guests were, to put it charitably, on the north end of boomerhood, and their degree of risk for incurring melanoma was probably locked in several decades ago. But a few of the more aggressive tanners were still young enough to reduce their risk of a permanent check in at the Hotel Melanoma—and for those youngsters I offer a new version of a classic from The Temptations…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRQ8EbC011g


I know you wanna tan thee,
But I refuse to let you go
If I have to beg and plead that you’ll listen please,
I don't mind coz' you mean that much to me

Ain't too proud to beg, sweet darlin’
Please stay tan-free girl, don't you glow
Ain't to proud to plead, baby, baby
Please don't grieve me, girl, don't you glow

Now I heard a cryin' man,
Is half a man with no sense of pride
But if I have to cry to ‘screen you,
I don't mind weepin' if it'll keep you pale outside

Ain't to proud to beg, sweet darlin’
Please don't grieve me girl, don't you glow
Ain't to proud to plead, baby, baby
Please don't grieve me girl, don't you glow

If I have to sleep on your doorstep
All night and day just to keep you from tannin’ today
Let your friends laugh, even this I can stand
Because I want to ‘screen you any way I can

Ain't too proud to beg, sweet darlin'
Please don't grieve me girl, don't you glow
Ain't to proud to plead, baby, baby
Please don't grieve me girl, don't you glow

Now I've gotta blog that speaks from the pit of my heart
And each day it grows more and more
I'm not ashamed to come and plead to you baby
If pleadin' keeps you from walkin' in this door

Ain't too proud to beg, you know it sweet darlin'
Please don't grieve me girl, don't you glow
Ain't to proud to plead, baby, baby
Please don't grieve me girl, don't you glow
Baby, baby, baby, baby (sweet darling)