Leather 'R Us

I’m often awestruck by the utter cluelessness I see in some of the marketing strategies of the indoor tanning industry. A case in point is my neighborhood chain store tanning salon, which is called “Tan Your Hide”. Really. All I can think about when seeing that name is the process of treating skins of animals to produce leather. And, of course, brown leather production is exactly what their frequent customers are doing, although I’d imagine that’s not what the salon owners intended to suggest when naming these stores. Their advertising slogan is “it’s time to get your glow back”. And since radiation therapy no doubt lies in the futures of some of their repeat customers, I guess these losers of the tanning bed lottery will someday be ‘getting their glow back’ in a way they’d never quite imagined. Although, once again, I sort of doubt that’s the kind of “glow” the chain’s advertising agency wanted prospective customers to think of when coining this ironic slogan.

With heartfelt gratitude to the indoor tanning industry for supplying me with such rich material for yet another blog post, I’ll sign off with the Hotel Melanoma version of The Beatles’ “Don’t Let Me Down”…

>

Don't let me brown, don't let me brown.
Don't let me brown, don't let me brown.

Nobody ever bugged me like C do me,
Ooh C do me, yeah C does.
And if somebody ever really bugged me,
Ooh C'd bug me, yeah C does.

Don't let me brown, don't let me brown.
Don't let me brown, don't let me brown.

I've been drugged for the worst time.
Don't you know it's gonna last.
It's a drug that lasts forever,
It's a drug that has to last.

Don't let me brown, don't let me brown.
Don't let me brown, don't let me brown.

And from the first time that C really done me,
Ooh C done me, C done me good.
I guess nobody ever really done me,
Ooh like C done me, C done me good.

Don't let me brown, don't let me brown, please.
Don't let me brown, don't let me brown, please.

Ow! Don't let me brown
Don't let me brown
(Can you dig it?)
Don't let me brown.

Melanoma Disability Benefits 101

Author’s Note: Every so often I take a run at providing some information in this blog that might actually be useful for my melahomies, and today is one of those days. I was contacted a few days ago by Molly Clarke with Social Disability Benefits Help, who offered to write an article about Social Security disability benefits for people with melanoma. She’s written the following very informative piece that is specific to melanoma patients…

Social Security Disability and Melanoma

After you have been diagnosed with melanoma, your life will undergo various changes. Your time and energy will be spent discussing treatment options, visiting specialists, and focusing on recovery. Symptoms and side effects may even force you to take time away from work. The resulting expenses and loss of income may cause a significant financial burden.

If you find that after being diagnosed with melanoma, you can no longer work or earn a living, you may be eligible to receive Social Security Disability (SSD) benefits. The following article will provide you with a general overview of the Social Security Disability program and will prepare you to begin the application process.

Medical Eligibility Criteria

SSD benefits are governed and distributed by the Social Security Administration (SSA). The SSA has very strict medical and technical criteria put in place to determine an applicant’s eligibility.

When evaluating your claim, the SSA will first assess the severity of your melanoma by consulting the official guide of disabling conditions known as the blue book. The blue book contains listings of potentially disabling conditions and the specific medical criteria that an individual must meet in order to qualify. Melanoma appears in the SSA’s blue book under Section 13.03 B. To meet this listing, you must be able to provide medical evidence that proves the following:

• Your melanoma returned after surgical removal of the original lesion and the surrounding tissue

AND

• Your melanoma has spread to other locations, in at least one of the following scenarios:

1. documented metastases in one or more lymph nodes
2. metastases in four or more lymph nodes, if the presence of tumors cannot be clinically documented through obvious methods; or
3. skin metastases in adjacent or distant sites from the location of the original lesion

If you do not meet these specific criteria, you may still qualify for SSD benefits. If the SSA finds that your condition is equal in severity to another condition listed in the blue book, your application may be approved.

If you do not match or equal another condition, the SSA will then review your residual functional capacity to see if you qualify under what is known as a medical vocational allowance. Essentially, this means that the SSA will evaluate the severity of your limitations and, if they decide that melanoma keeps you from working, they will award you benefits even though you do not meet a blue book listing.

Technical Requirements for Disability Benefits

The SSA runs two separate programs that provide financial assistance to disabled individuals—SSDI and SSI. Each of these two programs has technical eligibility requirements that applicants must meet in addition to the previously mentioned medical requirements.

• SSDI is funded by the FICA taxes that workers throughout the country pay into the system. Therefore, eligibility for SSDI is determined by an applicant’s employment and tax history. To make it simpler, the SSA assigns a certain number of “work credits” to each quarter that an individual earns income and pays taxes. To qualify for SSDI, applicants must have earned a certain amount of work credits. Learn more about work credits and SSDI, here: http://www.disability-benefits-help.org/content/social-security-programs.

• SSI is a needs-based program that offers benefits to disabled and elderly individuals. This means that eligibility is determined by a person’s financial needs rather than their work experience. To qualify for SSI, an applicant cannot exceed very specific financial limitations. SSI is often a good fit for people who have very little income and who have not earned enough work credits to qualify for SSDI.

In some cases, individuals with limited work credits and very low income can qualify for both SSDI and SSI. It is also important to note that, while neither SSI nor SSDI are health insurance programs, there are health care options that accompany both programs. After a two year waiting period, individuals who qualify for SSDI may become eligible for Medicare and individuals who qualify for SSI automatically qualify for Medicaid. Learn more about Medicare and Medicaid, here: http://www.disability-benefits-help.org/faq/medicare-vs-medicaid.

Applying for Social Security Disability Benefits

The SSD application process can be long and complicated. In fact, many initial applications are denied. To prevent this from happening to you, it is important that you collect thorough medical and financial documentation to support your claim. The SSA will view this documentation as proof of your disability. Any missing or incomplete records can compromise your claim and cause you to be denied. Documentation should include records of the following:

• Your diagnosis
• Relevant lab results and medical imaging
• History of hospitalizations
• Treatments and response to treatments
• Official statements from your doctor regarding your symptoms and ability to work

Once you are ready to begin the application process, you can do so online at the SSA’s website or in person at your local Social Security office. It is important to remember that once you submit your application, it may be several months before you receive a decision. If your initial application is denied, it is important that you don’t give up. You have the right to appeal this decision. If you are prepared and persistent in your efforts, you will be able to receive the financial assistance you need.

For more information about applying for SSD benefits, visit Social Security Disability Help on Facebook or contact Molly Clarke at Social Security Disability Help

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But you just knew that I’d have to write some fractured lyrics too. To the tune of The Band’s “The Shape I’m In”…



Go out yonder, treat C and rally
Mole docs frown, have to wonder 'bout the tally
Oh, you don't know the shape I'm in

Can anybody treat my Ray C?
This skinnin' of moles will drive me crazy
Oh, you don't know the shape I'm in

I'm gonna go down to the doc - tor
But I ain't gonna pump him, no, no
I'll just be looking for my fate here
And I'll hear 'bout place where C's been! Oh!

Out of nine lives, I've spent seven
Now, how in the world do you do the bread win?
Oh, you don't know the shape I'm in

I just spent 60 days in the jailhouse
For the crime of having no dough
Now here I am back out on the street
For the crime of having nowhere to go

Pay your rent or pay your druggers
Looks like it's one or the other
Oh, you don't know the shape I'm in

Now too sunned skin hide starts a ruckus
You know rays peel you, dying too young sucks
Oh, you don't know the shape I'm in

Make Your Money And Run

Nike announced this week that it is ending its partnership with The Livestrong Foundation and will stop producing its Livestrong Collection of products after the Holiday 2013 line is shipped. I can understand why Nike ended its business relationship with Lance Armstrong in the wake of his doping scandal, but why Livestrong too? Armstrong no longer holds any official position with the very fine foundation he started and Livestrong’s good works to improve the lives of cancer survivors continue on. And, meanwhile, Nike merrily goes on producing and selling the Tiger Woods Collection of golf equipment and apparel, despite his public fall from grace. Apparently the Tiger Woods Collection continues to be quite profitable for Nike and they just aren’t making enough dough by playing the cancer card in selling the Livestrong Collection to cancer survivors and their supporters?

I own only one item of Nike golf stuff, a long-sleeved SPF 50 golf shirt I found on sale this spring. I won’t be buying any more. And any overpriced Nike golf balls I find out on the golf course will become the sacrificial balls I pull out of my bag when teeing off over water hazards. Not that Nike cares, but all I can do is vote with my checkbook; and I hope thousands of other cancer survivors will do the same.

To the tune of “Take The Money And Run” from Crosby & Nash...



Make your money and run
Like a cheat that played the cancer card
Make your money and run
Like I’m s’posed to like your style?
Make your money and run
'Cause you found out that this cancer’s hard
So make your money and run
Because we are out of sight
You cannot sell me any more lines
You cannot pull the wool over my eyes
Make your money and run

Make your money and run
'cause the Livestrong sales are sinking down
Make your money and run
'Cause us poor things ain’t your show
Make your money and run
'Cause your verdict has been handed down
Make your money and run
Because there's no space left to grow
You cannot give C any more time
You’re already makin’ too much on Tig’s
Make your money and run

Make your money and run
Like a cheat that played the cancer card
Make your money and run
Like the god of sporting lines
Make your money and run
Because you found out that this cancer’s hard
So make your money and run
Because we are out of sight
You cannot sell me any more lines
You've already taken too much from mine
Make your money and run

How To Play Golf With Melanoma

Some rather intriguing Google search queries lead to hits on this blog. A recent example is “how to play golf with melanoma”. The simple answer? Nothing like I play the game, unless you’re about to turn 60 like me and have aspirations to shoot your age in only nine holes and find fishing balls out of water hazards to be a relaxing hobby. Although you would do well to follow my lead in being the palest guy on the course. (If I played naked, and to the great relief of my playing partners I don’t, I could disappear in a white sand bunker.) Buy yourself some SPF golf duds, put some sunscreen in your bag and reapply it before you hit the back nine, and wear a cap and sunglasses. Otherwise, by the time you reach my advanced age you’ll have skin that looks like suitable raw material for a golf club grip.

Hoping I’ve answered at least some of this searcher’s questions, I’ll sign off with the Hotel Melanoma rendition of John Mellencamp’s “Rumble Seat”…



All the leaves are green
All my trends are wrong
I'm swingin' in my mole gown
I can barely get along
I feel sorry for myself
That's an easy thing to do
I feel sorry for the world
I feel sorry for you
Yes I am a pitiful sight
I can't even get one swing right

I know just what it's like
To be hidin' from the sun in ‘screen
Yes I know just what it's like
To be a big time rider on the bogey streak

Well I could have a nervous breakdown
But I don't believe in shrinks
I should be drunker than a monkey
But I don't golf and drink
Call pro for cures
But I'm afraid of his tone
I'm always talkin' to myself
I guess I'm never alone
Am I the only one that feels this way
I'd buy myself some stylish clothes
But I sure hate to pay

I know just what it's like
To be hidin' from the sun in ‘screen
Yes I know just what it's like
To be a big time rider on the bogey streak

The sun is shining up
Just goin' to tenth
I lost five balls in the willows
Still got some dreams left
The back nine is a new day
Gonna make these dreams come true
I'm gonna believe in myself
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna stop puttin' myself down
I'm gonna turn my slice around

I'll be hidin’ hide
With my ‘screen kicked up in the sun and heat
Yeah I’ll go for a drive
And I'll be swingin' hot some from that forward tee
Yes I'll show you a whiff
And I’ll be ridin' big time on my bogey streak

Don't Fry Day Rock

This Friday, May 24, is Don’t Fry Day. Although for most everyone living at the Hotel Melanoma, every day is don’t fry day. Take me, for example. I played a stinking round of geezer league golf today covered in SPF-protective clothing, ball cap, shades and sunscreen. And the way I was chipping and putting, I might as well have been wearing a SPF 50 bag over my head. Oy.

It’s just way too early in the day to drown my sorrows with a single malt scotch, so instead I’ve penned a new rendition of ZZ Top’s “Can’t Stop Rockin’”…



I heard about sunblock for some time, you know.
It's easy to do when you’ve C in mole.
Makes you want to pale up, makes you wanna prove you’re neat.
No matter how it's done you know it can't be beat.
'Cause I can't stop blockin',
no, I can't stop blockin'.
Well, I can't stop blockin',
baby, lest I lose my hide.

Somebody said pale’s wrong but I know it's all right,
when C really hits you like a shot in the night.
I'm never gonna stop as long as I can’t braise.
Listen to me now, can't you hear me say,
I can't stop blockin',
no, I can't stop blockin'.
Well, I can't stop blockin',
baby, lest I lose my hide.

I like to work it down low, I like to work it to the top.
And when I start blockin' I ain't never gonna stop.
Get yourself loose, get yourself high.
I love to feel the lotion and I'm tellin' you why.
'Cause I can't stop blockin',
no, I can't stop blockin'.
No, I can't stop blockin’
no matter what they do do do do do or say.
No matter what you do do do do do or say, no no.