Hotel Carcinoma?

My primary care doc tells me my prostate gland is slightly enlarged and we’re checking my PSA level as a part of routine blood work. This “condition” is not uncommon for guys my age-- witness who stars in those ubiquitous Flomax commercials that appear on golf tournament telecasts, but not on shows like MTV’s Jersey Shore. And it’s almost certainly nothing for me to worry about. Nevertheless, my mind races with contingency planning. Would I refuse treatment for prostate cancer, figuring that melanoma will probably get me first anyway? Should I rename my blog, to be more inclusive? Could I come up with funny song lines about treatment-related incontinence? Yikes, sometimes I just can’t believe what a paranoid hypochondriac I’ve become. Oh well, listening to “Blue Sky” by The Allman Brothers Band has always had a soothing effect on me, so I’ve written some new lyrics to chill myself out…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEC5s3nzVzo


Drivin’ down to WalMart ... buyin’ Depends
It just keeps on flowin' ... it don't worry 'bout where it's going ... no, no

Don't grow Mister Prostate, I'm done walkin' down that road
Early mornin' blood work tells us all we need to know

Wear my sunscreen ... it will save the day
Lord, you know it makes me keen when I block those UV rays ... block those UV Rays ... yeah

Good ol' Friday mornin', veins are showin' everywhere
Goin' to get my blood drawn ... won't be long ‘til I'll be there

Wear my sunscreen ... it will save the day
Lord, you know it makes me keen when I block those UV rays ... block those UV rays ... yeah, yeah

I feel better already!

What's This Black Cancer?

If you’ve been sufficiently masochistic to read my initial blog post, you know that I’ve at times been an insubordinate hospital patient. And that’s gotten me into big trouble on more than one occasion. Jimmy Buffett is one of the great musical storytellers, so I’ve borrowed “Who’s The Blond Stranger” for today’s homily…



Nothin’ like this I ever expected
Critical Care is a whole other world
My wife’s in my room callin’ help from my nurses
How did oncologists get me here for this cure

They told me my nodes had sprouted like clover
They had me do scans and said drink that dye down
They removed fourteen malignant lymph nodes
Then shipped me to Denver, the scanning went on

What’s this black cancer, that entered my life
Makin’ me play golf, in the dark night
This kind of disease, is all new to me
What’s this black cancer, that fools my M.D.’s

Infusin’ all night, for me that's the first time
Sneak out my bed just as cool as I can
Pull back the sheets and my head is all empty
Unplug my pumps and try to take a stroll on the lam

My head got all light and the room started spinning
I fell down on the floor, breathin’ no air
Out in the hall was my own squad of nurses
Callin’ a Code Blue in Critical Care

What’s this black cancer, that altered my life
Makin’ me garden, in the moonlight
This kind of treatment, is toxic to me
What’s this black cancer, that fools my M.D.’s

Back in my bed and everything’s normal
In comes my nurse and starts threatenin’ me
I could be restrained until the next morning
She’ll have me locked down and my wife sure agrees

What’s this black cancer, that burdened my wife
Makin’ me moon tan, after midnight
Four rounds of chemo, were not good for me
What’s this black cancer, that fools my M.D.’s

What’s this black cancer, that blew up my life
Makin’ my skin pale, what a white fright
This cancer’s whacked me, my insurance flees
What’s this black cancer, that fools my M.D.’s

If your nurse tells you not to try to get out of bed, please listen and obey!

Celebration

Rev. Carol Taylor, melanoma survivor and host of the Melanoma Prayer Center on Facebook, is celebrating a milestone in her journey this Saturday, July 9. She’s chosen Kool And The Gang’s “Celebration” as her theme song for the event, and I just couldn’t stop myself from offering some new lyrics to a great party song…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GwjfUFyY6M


Celebrate clear scans, come on
(Let's celebrate)
Celebrate no tans, come on
(Let's celebrate)

There's a skin check goin' on right here
A new tradition to live throughout the years
So bring your good health
And your laughter too
We gonna celebrate NED with you

Come on now

(Celebration)
Let's all celebrate and shun IV lines
(Celebration)
We gonna celebrate and pray for good times

It's time to give together
It's up to us
Share our treasure
Everyone in cancer world
Come on

(Yahoo) Bring a large donation
(Yahoo)

Celebrate Yervoy, come on
It's a celebration
Celebrate new ploys, come on
Let's celebrate

There's a mole check goin' on right here
A new tradition to last throughout the years
So bring your pale skin
And your laughter too
We gonna mark anniversary with you

Come on now

(Celebration)
Let's all celebrate and shun IV lines
(Celebration)
We gonna celebrate and pray for good times

It's time to give together
It's up to us
Share our treasure
Everyone in cancer world
Come on

(Yahoo) Listen to your mama
(Yahoo)

We're gonna beat melanoma fright
Let's celebrate, it's our fight
We're gonna wear no pink stuff tonight
Let's celebrate, it's our right

We're gonna have a good time tonight
(Ce-le-bra-tion)
Let's celebrate, then we’ll fight
We're gonna have a good time tonight
(Ce-le-bra-tion)
Let's celebrate, we’re all right

(Yahoo)
(Yahoo)

Celebrate good docs, come on
(Let's celebrate)
Celebrate no spots, come on
It's a celebration
Celebrate life lots, come on
(Let's celebrate)

Come on and celebrate, good times, tonight
(Celebrate good times, come on)
'Cause everything's gonna be all right
Let's celebrate
(Celebrate good times, come on)
(Let's celebrate)...

Yahoo, turn on the strobe lights, and dance along with the video of the original:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GwjfUFyY6M

Independence Repentance

Back in the dark (literally) ages of my youth, I was a sun-bronzed lifeguard for several summers, with hair bleached blond by chlorine and sun. I didn’t have a clue that melanoma wasn’t “just skin cancer”. Some thirty years later, I almost paid the ultimate price for my cluelessness and unprotected fun in the sun. You needn’t hide indoors this holiday weekend and, by all means, get outside and hike, swim, boat, golf, ride, cookout, drink up, and boogie; just please don’t get fried! And sing along with the Doobie Brothers’ “Listen To The Music” while dousing yourself with a good sunscreen…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVgMzKMgNxw


Don't you see it growin',
Day by day
People
Gettin' ready for bad news
Some are tanning,
Won’t be glad
Wo, we got to beat the UV rays
Wo, oh yeah
What the people need
Is a way to make 'em pale
It ain't so hard to do if you know how
Gotta get a message
Get it on through
Oh now blogger’s goin' to after awhile
Wo, oh, oh, lather on the sunscreen
Wo, oh, oh, lather on the sunscreen
Wo, oh, oh, lather on the sunscreen
All the time

Well you know,
I know better
Everything I say
Meet me in the clinic for a day
We'll have checkups
And we'll scan
Wo, we're gonna blast the moles away
Wo, oh yeah
And if I'm lookin’ pale to you
And you're lookin’ pale to me
There ain't nothin' we can do but pray
Scannin' good,
Feeling fine
Wo, baby, beat the UV rays

Wo, oh, oh, lather on the sunscreen
Wo, oh, oh, lather on the sunscreen
Wo, oh, oh, lather on the sunscreen
All the time

Don’t want tumors on your liver
Alarming PET scans glowing bright
Don’t want lesions growing bigger
Lookin' for the happy scans
And you got to start out right

Wo, oh, oh, lather on the sunscreen
Wo, oh, oh, lather on the sunscreen
Wo, oh, oh, lather on the sunscreen
All the time
Wo, oh, oh, lather on the sunscreen
Wo, oh, oh, lather on the sunscreen
Wo, oh, oh, lather on the sunscreen
Wo, oh, oh, lather on the sunscreen
All the time
God, we gotta beat the UV rays!

Happy Independence Day!

Miss You So Gladly

I really, really hated biochemotherapy treatments and those many long days of hospital incarceration. But biochemo seems to have worked to fend off the enemy I hate even more, melanoma. Thanks to Jimmy Buffett’s “Miss You So Badly”, I have a great old song to borrow to bid farewell (I hope) to melanoma…



I guess it all blew up in my lymph nodes
Thank heavens no other place
After weeks of searchin' crazy, there was nothin' left to trace
And when the dust had finally settled
And the scare had quickly cleared
Whoa, things were better off than I had feared

And I, miss you so gladly, hey I hate you badly
Feelin' so glad now since you been gone, gone, gone
I went for infusin', it seems that I'm losin'
Track of the long days since I been home

I’m layin' in a hospital room full of students
I guess each studies for eight years
They exchange resident's stories
I get drugged with IV cheer
But they look like Jack The Ripper
With their hands glued to IVs
And I don't think that I should ever let 'em learn on me

And I, miss you so gladly, hey I hate you badly
I think I've been bad though while stayin' so long, long, long
And I'm, just watchin' those pumps flow , waitin' for furlough
Losin' the long days since I been home

I got a head full of feelin' higher
And a vein full of IV line
There is just no one drug to kill this
Hell, I'll try most every kind
Oh, crazy how things happen, it's incredible but true
The longer you’re gone the stronger I feel we’re through

And I, miss you so gladly, hey I hate you badly
I'm feelin' so glad just to be headin' home, home, home
I've been, rattlin' nurse’s aides, infusin' for four days
Countin' the hours till I get home
Whoa I been, countin' the hours till I get home

In the off chance that any of my nurses in the University of Colorado Hospital’s Critical Care Oncology Unit should read this, I apologize for being such a troublesome patient—especially to the student nurse I “took out” in a fall following an unauthorized attempt to get out of that hospital bed. Sorry 'bout that.