Just Rewards

Many of we residents at The Hotel Melanoma are all too familiar with ‘Dr.’ Joseph Mercola and his quack claims about the health benefits of exposure to ultraviolet light, false advertising claims made to promote and sell his own line of tanning beds. But it seems that Lyin’ Joe is about to receive the just rewards of his quackery, as this past week the Federal Trade Commission announced a settlement of its false advertising lawsuit against Mercola. Settlement terms include making refunds to buyers of his tanning beds in an amount up to $5.3 million and a promise to stop selling his cancer incubators. Read all about it here.

Mercola is reportedly unrepentant and standing by his claims of the cancer-fighting benefits of tanning bed use. So I can imagine him singing this Hotel Melanoma rendition of Simple Minds’ “Don’t You (Forget About Me)”…



Hey, hey, hey, hey
Ohhhhhohhhhhohhhohhhhwooooo

Won't you come see about C?
I'll be a-prone, tanning you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Small change, I’m still a doc shark
Think of the cancer things that we were working on

Glow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your parts, baby

Won't you, forget about C
Don't, don't, don't, don't
Don't you, forget about D

Will you tan and love me?
Cook my way, never shove me
Rays keep calling, rays keep mauling
Brown, brown, brown

Will you idolize me?
Fall for claims or balk on lies
Rays keep calling, rays keep mauling
Brown, brown, brown, brown

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Ohhhhohhhhohhhohhhhwooooo

Won't you fry and be friend
It's my feeling I’ll win in the end
I won't warn you or touch your pretenses
Vanity, insecurity

Won't you forget about C
I'll be a-prone, tanning you know it baby
Going to take you apart
I'll put us back together at heart, baby

Don't you, forget about D
Don't, don't, don't, don't
Won't you, forget about C

As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
When you walk away

Or will you walk on rays?
Will you walk on fries?
Come on, buy my claims
Will you buy my claims?

I say
Blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
When you walk on by, and you call my name