Wearing of the 'Screen

Over the years since checking into The Hotel Melanoma, I’ve caught quite a few quizzical looks at my phosphorescent white hide and been teased about covering up outdoors with long sleeve shirts and sunscreen. I bet you have too. And you may have even been told by some quack TV ‘doctor’ that sunscreens are bad for you because they contain dangerous chemicals or their use will lead to Vitamin D deficiency. So let we at The Hotel Melanoma band together like the Irish rebels of old, stand up to the foolish tanned, and proudly wear our sunscreen. Wishing you all a festive St. Patrick’s Day, a day when we’re all at least a little bit Irish, here’s The Hotel Melanoma rendition of “Wearing of the Green” from The Wolfe Tones…



Oh, Paddy dear, did you hear the news that's going 'round?
The tan block is forbid by docs to flow on Irish browned
Saint Patrick's Day no more to weep, pale color must be seen
For there's a bloody doc again' the Wearing of the ‘Screen.
I met with Napper Tandy and he took me by the hand
And he said "How's poor old Melaland and how does she stand?"
"She's the most distressful country that ever yet was seen
For they're slamming men and women there for Wearing of the ‘Screen."

She's the most distressful country that ever yet was seen
For they’re slamming men and women there for Wearing of the ‘Screen.

Then since the color we must wear is Tan Land's cruel red
Sure Melaland's sons will never forget the blood that they have shed
You may pull the tan block from your pack and slap it on the bod
Sun 'twill take root and flourish there, though undercooked 'tis mod.
When docs can stop black cancer mass from growing in my moles
And when bare knees in summertime dare endure eighteen holes
Then I will change the color too I wear on hole nineteen
But 'til that day, please God, I'll stick to Wearing of the ‘Screen.

She's the most distressful country that ever yet was seen
For they're slamming men and women there for Wearing of the ‘Screen.

But if at last pale color should be torn from Melaland's heart
Her sons, with rage and sorrow, from the dear old white will part
I've heard a whisper of a land that lies beyond the sea
Where rich and poor stand equal in the white of ‘screenin’s way.
Ah, pale land, must we seek you, driven by the vibrant tanned
Must we seek a doctor's blessing in a strange and distant land
Where the cruel cross of Tan Land shall never more be seen
And where, please God, we'll live and die, still Wearing of the ‘Screen.

She's the most distressful country that ever yet was seen
For they're slamming men and women there for Wearing of the ‘Screen.