Hey Joe

I just can’t think of a more fitting way to end Melanoma Awareness Month than with one last lyrical swipe at ‘Dr.’ Joseph “Mercolanoma” Mercola. The Hotel Melanoma version of Jimi Hendrix’ “Hey Joe”…




Hey Joe, where you goin' with that sun tannin’ scam
Hey Joe, I said where you goin' with that sun tannin’ scam, oh
I'm goin' down to treat my mole Black C
You know I caught it messin' 'round with an indoor tan
Yeah, I'm goin' down to treat my mole Black C
You know I caught it messin' 'round with an indoor tan
Huh! and that ain't too cool
Huh hey Joe, I heard you shut your website down
You shut her down now


Hey Joe, I heard you shot your Yervoy down
You shot it down for four rounds yeah!
Yeah!
Yes, I did, I got it
You know I caught it messin' round messin' round brown
Huh, yes I did I’m not cured
You know I caught my mole Black C messin' 'round brown
And I found it ain’t fun
And I’m not cured
Alright
Shoot me one more time again baby!


Yeah!
Oh dig it
Oh alright


Hey Joe,
Where you gonna run to now where you gonna run to
Hey Joe, I said
Where you gonna run to now where you gonna go
I'm goin' way down south
Way down for MDA stay
Alright
I'm goin' way down south
Way down where I can be healed
Ain't no sun gonna find me
Ain't no dang tan gonna
It ain't gonna make a dope of old me
You better believe it right now
I gotta go now


Hey, Joe
You better run on down
Goodbye everybody
Hey hey Joe

Quackwatch

Joseph Mercola, who plays doctor on daytime television, is fairly notorious at The Hotel Melanoma for denying what is a widely-accepted and well-substantiated truth to the mainstream medical world: tanning bed use significantly increases your risk of contracting melanoma (and basal cell and squamous cell skin cancers). The cold, hard fact is that Mercola has a profit-driven conflict of interest in giving any health or medical advice about “safe” tanning, because he SELLS the “Mercola Vitality Home Tanning Bed” and “Dr. Mercola’s Natural Sunscreen With Green Tea” on his website, http://www.mercola.com/. Don’t take my word for it, check it out. And read more about the good ‘doctor’ at http://www.quackwatch.org/11Ind/mercola.html.


If you want to get your medical advice about indoor tanning from a guy who wants to sell you a product that gives you a dose of something the World Health Organization says is carcinogenic, that’s your business. And there are a couple of cream puff used cars in my garage, driven only by my elderly mom to church on Sunday, that I’d like to sell you. But I just have to ask you this: would you also believe a tobacco company executive who tells you in 2012 that smoking is “safe” and doesn’t increase your risk of lung cancer and heart disease?

I’ll sign off with The Hotel Melanoma version of Robert Palmer’s “Bad Case of Loving You”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOgMgOjajcw


Whooaaaaa
’Doc’s’ hot tanner lights sell on the ‘net
I’ve got to find my Black C yet
I need you to sell me beds
Turn my pale skin to red


’Doctor’, ‘doctor’, selling tan hues
You sell a bad case of tanning blues
No shill’s gonna make me ill
You sell a bad case of tanning blues


A pretty face don’t make a pretty heart
I learned that, buddy, from the start
I think you’re ‘cute’, a little bit sly
’Doctuh’, you ain’t nice kind of guy


’Doctor’, ‘doctor’, spare me your views
You sell a bad case of tanning blues
No pill’s gonna cure your ill
You sell a bad case of tanning blues


Whooaaa
I know you hype it, you hype it nonstop
Tell me, ‘Doctor’, where’d you learn this crock?


You make me frown, cunning one so flip
Smile of Midas on your lip
Shake my fist, talk to wood
I’ve got it bad, and you’ve got it good


’Doctor’, ‘doctor’, sell me tan ruse
I got a bad case of tanning blues
No pill’s gonna cure my ill
I got a bad case of tanning blues

Born In My DNA

At a recent Melanoma Research Foundation patient education symposium in Denver, my doc started his presentation with “Melanoma 101”. Melanoma is uncontrolled cell growth and division of the melanocytes (pigment cells) caused by DNA damage in those cells. UV light ray exposure is a cause of that mutation and damage in melanocyte DNA. And during the embryonic stage of our early development in the womb, our melanocytes develop from neural (nerve) cells— and to my layperson’s mind that’s one more reason it’s somewhat misleading to call melanoma “skin cancer”.


I got my melanocyte DNA damage the old-fashioned way, outdoors in the sunshine, and have never set foot in a tanning bed. But if you use those things, please cut it out before they cut IT out. There is a solid consensus among dermatologists and oncologists specializing in melanoma treatment that the intense UV ray exposure one receives from tanning beds substantially increases one’s risk of contracting melanoma (and basal cell and squamous cell skin cancers). So don’t listen to the quacks who will tell you there’s such a thing as a “safe” tan, because it just ain't so.

I’ll end today’s homily with the Hotel Melanoma rendition of Bruce Springsteen’s “Born In The U.S.A.”…


Burned brown in a Kansas town
The worst kick I took was when that mole was found
You end up like a dog that's been beat too much
And you spend rest of life just doctering up
Born in the DNA
It was born in the DNA
It was born in the DNA
Born in the DNA


Got in a little mole bound jam so they hung no trifles on my stand
Sent me off to the Code Blue land and nearly killed this mela-man
Born in the DNA
It was born in the DNA
It was born in the DNA
It was born in the DNA
Born in the DNA


Came back home to my canine comp’ny
Jordan man says "son your time belongs to me”
Went down to see my mela man
He said "son don't you never tan now"


I am a blogger of rock songs fighting off the C bed wrong
I’m still here C’s all gone
I’ve ‘met’ a Tan Mom whose tone is so wrong
I want no picture of her in a thong now


Brown is the bad foe of the penitent tan-free
Outside I’m hidin’ from the sunshine UV
I'm nine years walking down C road
Nowhere to run ain't got nowhere to go


Born in my DNA
It was born in my DNA.
Born in my DNA.
It’s-a all gone badly in my DNA.

Heartbreak Hotel

The Hotel Melanoma is now on Facebook. That’s probably nothing to celebrate, but I’m going to do it anyway with a new rendition of Elvis Presley’s “Heartbreak Hotel”…


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PotB76gi2_4


Well, since my Black C met me
Well, I found a new place to dwell
Well, it's down at the end of UV Street
At Heartbreak Hotel


Where I'll be
I'll be there not lonely baby
Well, I'm not lonely
I'll be there not lonely, I could cry


Although it's always crowded
You still can find a room
More cell mutated tanners
Are bound to check in soon


Be so
I'll be so not lonely, baby
I’ll be so not lonely
They're not lonely, they did fry


Now, the bell hop's moles aren’t growin'
And the desk clerk's tattoo’s black
Well, they lived so long on Zelboraf
They'll never, never look back


And know they’re not
They’ll know they’re not lonely baby
Well, they're not lonely
Well, they're not lonely, they could cry


Well now if your Black C grieves you
And you’ve got a tale to tell
Well, just take a walk down Facebook Street
To Heartbreak Hotel


Where you won’t be
It could make you not lonely, baby
Well you won’t be lonely
You'll won’t be lonely, you did fry


Although the future’s clouded
You still can find some tunes
For cell mutated tanners
To croon in sports bar room


And know they’re not
And know they’re not lonely, baby
Well, they're not lonely
They'll be not lonely, they did fry

Into The Clinic

No ranting, no taunting, no quack baiting, just the Hotel Melanoma version of Van Morrison’s “Into The Mystic”…




It was born below the skin
Maybe something from the sun
Ere the bonnie fight begun as I sailed into the clinic
Park, now here the doctors try
Quell this C and heal this guy
Let your moles and spirit fly into the clinic


And when that CAT scan glows I will be lying prone
And what that report shows I want to hear it
I don't have to fear it


And I hate when docs biopsy moles
Must lie on back on those slabs so cold
And cutaneously I go bold into the clinic


When that lymph node grows you know I will be coming home
And when that chemo whistle blows I won’t go near it
I don't want to hear it


And I want to check asymmetric moles
Must go slay black so my days grow old
And together we go bold into the clinic
Come on cures...

Must go see docs now...