The "Hotel Melanoma" moniker is a metaphor for living with my particular brand of cancer. Except for those lucky few of us deemed "cured", all we cancer survivors are guests of one of the many, many branded hotels in the "Hotel Carcinoma" chain. We can check out any time we like, but we can never leave. Meanwhile, let's be livin' it up; and please support cancer education, prevention, and treatment research.

Tutu Brothers

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Resolutionary Breakthroughs; A Year-end Update

I first published the following resolutions about a year ago. Looking back over the year, I must admit that my performance in fulfilling them just sucked…

Be it hereby solemnly resolved that in 2011:

I will stop referring to my clinical oncologist and radiation oncologist as, respectively, Dr. Death and Dr. No;

No matter how early in the morning I may arrive at the “Name of Rich Oil Guy” Cancer Pavilion, I will park in a remote lot and leave the close-in parking spaces to patients who are currently ill;

When checking in for my next MRI, I will not grumble about completing the same form I’ve filled out on at least a dozen or so previous visits to fully disclose that, to the best of my knowledge, I have no body piercings or other metallic objects implanted anywhere in my anatomy;

I will not ask another MRI technician whether she found a brain during the course of my scan, nor will I crack another lawyer joke to a phlebotomist about the lack of blood available for drawing from my veins;

I will refrain from Googling obscure medical terms and phrases and thereby inducing a state of paranoid hypochondria, and, instead, ask the docs to explain stuff in layman’s terms before I leave their presence;

Acknowledging that I never ever would’ve been mistaken on the golf course for Freddy Couples, I shall cease and desist from using the Schwannoma tumor as an excuse for my uniquely ugly golf swing;

And, last but not least, I will be a more patient patient and stop whining about the relatively insignificant collateral damage I’ve incurred from treatments that probably saved my life.

Have a happy and healthy New Year!