A Sneaky S.O.B.

Last Sunday I was looking like I’d taken a hard punch to my right jaw. (I can think of several people- including my wife- who might want to take a punch at me, but nobody did.) My primary care doc’s diagnosis on Monday was “lymphadenopathy, cervical”. So, after the primary care doc talked to my dermatologist, who in turn talked to my oncologist, I’ll be trucking up to the melanoma clinic next week for a checkup and likely a bonus “fine needle aspiration”, which they always seem to do in the breast cancer clinic where I draw some very quizzical looks from other patients. The initial plan was to do a head/neck CT scan prior to this checkup, but my wonderful insurance company refused to authorize it; but that’s okay with me, I guess, because I would’ve had to pay for it thanks to my sky-high deductible and now maybe I’ll dodge a scan expense.

The strong odds are that my lymph node(s?) are merely enlarged by an excess intake of chocolate over the Holidays. Or single malt Scotch. But then again we all know that melanoma can be one sneaky S.O.B and pop up after years of lying dormant. Be vigilant my friends. No matter how long you’ve been in “no evidence of disease” status, please be watchful and have regular monitoring checkups with a melanoma specialist.

Feeling a touch of melanoma paranoia, I’ll sign off with the Hotel Melanoma rendition of “S.O.B.” from Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats…



I'm gonna need some docs to help me
I'm gonna need some body scans
I'm gonna need someone to hold me down
I'm gonna need someone to care
I'm gonna writhe and shake my body
I'll start pulling out my hair
I'm going to cover myself with more splashes of goo
And mole buddies gonna give a damn

Son of a bitch, get me a shrink
One more fright is shaking me
Son of a bitch
If I can't scan clean I'm gonna drink my life away

Now for seventeen years I've been growing them black
Seventeen more will bury me
Can somebody please just tie me down
Or somebody get me a goddamn shrink

Son of a bitch, get me a shrink
One more fright
This can't be C
Son of a bitch
If I can't scan clean I'm gonna drink my life away
Hey, Yeah now

My heart is quaking, hands are shaking
Docs are pawing all over me
My heart is quaking, hands are shaking
Docs are pawing all over me
My heart is quaking, hands are shaking
Docs are pawing all over me
My heart is quaking, hands are shaking
Docs are pawing all over me

Son of a bitch, get me a shrink
One more fright
This can't be C
Son of a bitch
If I can't scan clean I'm gonna drink my life away
Son of a bitch, get me a shrink
One more fright
This can't be C
Son of a bitch
If I can't scan clean I'm gonna drink my life away
Yeah ah

Poke-a-Mole

Just for grins on a wintry day here in the Rockies, The Hotel Melanoma rendition of “Kokomo” from The Beach Boys…



Keytruda, can quake ya, ooh I wanna take ya
Intruduh, skin trauma, come on pretty mama
Opdivo, doc ego,
Baby why don't we go,
Fake-bake ya

Off the Florida Keys
There's a place called Poke-a-Mole
That's where you wanna go
To get away from it all
Bodies never tanned,
Topical zinc melting in your hand
We'll seek awning in sun
To the rhythm of a steel drum band
Down in Poke-a-Mole

Keytruda, can quake ya, ooh I wanna take ya
Intruduh, skin trauma, come on pretty mama
Opdivo, doc ego,
Baby why don't we go
Ooh I wanna take you down to Poke-a-Mole,
We'll get there fast
And then we'll take it slow
That's where we wanna go,
Way down in Poke-a-Mole.

Doublespeak, that doctor rap mystique...

We'll put out the C
And we'll perfect our chemistry
By and by we'll deny
What’s little left of sanity
Afternoon delight,
Cocktails and moonlit nights
That dreamy look in your eye,
Give me a tropical contact high
Way down in Poke-a-Mole

Keytruda, can quake ya, ooh I wanna take ya
Intruduh, skin trauma, come on pretty mama
Opdivo, doc ego,
Baby why don't we go
Ooh I wanna take you down to Poke-a-Mole,
We'll get there fast
And then we'll take it slow
That's where we wanna go,
Way down in Poke-a-Mole.

Port’s all rinsed, I wanna scratch the PICC...

Everybody knows a little place like Poke-a-Mole
Now if you wanna go to get away from it all
Go down to Poke-a-Mole
Keytruda, can quake ya, ooh I wanna take ya
Intruduh, skin trauma, come on pretty mama
Opdivo, doc ego,
Baby why don't we go
Ooh I wanna take you down to Poke-a-Mole,
We'll get there fast
And then we'll take it slow
That's where we wanna go,
Way down in Poke-a-Mole.

Keytruda, can quake ya, ooh I wanna take ya
Intruduh, skin trauma, come on pretty mama
Opdivo, doc ego,
Baby why don't we go,
Fake-bake ya