Always a master at stating the obvious, I’d say that “The Holidays” can be a quite difficult time for residents of The Hotel Carcinoma. Social media are full of posts and photos depicting perfect, Norman Rockwellian-like family celebrations full of happiness and good cheer. And we may fall into the trap of believing that the poster’s holiday time truly was that idyllic. Meanwhile, we may be grieving the loss of a loved one, contemplating our own mortality, getting over the last treatment event or anticipating the next one, experiencing scanxiety, playing the waiting game with pending diagnostic test results, or worrying about our rising medical bills. I’ll be ‘celebrating’ the first business day of 2014 by heading off to my favorite cancer center for some minor surgery to clean up the remains of a squamous cell carcinoma and being thankful it’s not another melanoma. So as I think about how we melahomies might go about making the best we can of this season of conflicting emotions, I’m reminded of something I wrote in my first blog post…
I really don’t mean to be morbid in using the Hotel Melanoma metaphor. Trust me, dying would not be my preferred means of “checking out”. Rather, my preferred meaning of “checking out” is the idea of seizing those times of normalcy that I think all we survivors experience and enjoying them to the hilt. Even at the worst of times in the summer and fall of 2003, there were still many times of furlough when I lived in a nice moment of ordinary life when I’d forget I have cancer. These moments may not come any time you like, but they do come. We need to search for and embrace those times, holding on as firmly and for as long as we can, precisely because we know that sooner or later something will probably happen that will remind us we can’t leave the Hotel.
Doing my best to “check out” now and then during this ‘most wonderful time of the year’, I’ll sign off with The Hotel Melanoma rendition of “Alabama Getaway” from The Grateful Dead…
Thirty two weeks in the onc’s home
Melanoma’s tryin’ for some
Before I have to hit it
I hope C's got the sense to run
Season those poor girls sun skin
Promise them tan D thing
Reason they be grievin’
C tears a big wide round ring
Melanoma getaway, getaway
Melanoma getaway, getaway
Only way to please me
Turn around and leave
And walk away
Majordomo Doctor Molejangles
Sit down and have a talk with me
What's this about melanome
Keeps comin’ back to me?
Lured by fees to the poor house
Dermy docs began to mock tan fries
Forty-nine sister mates all had
Melanoma in their eyes
Melanoma getaway, getaway
Melanoma getaway, getaway
Only way to please me
Turn around and leave
And walk away
Why don't we just give melanoma
Rope enough to hang itself?
Ain't no call to worry the dermies
They'll prob’bly take care of themselves
Twenty-third Psalm Majordomo
Reserve me a table with Thee
In the Valley of the Shadow
Just You, melanoma and me
Melanoma getaway, getaway
Melanoma getaway, getaway
Only way to please me
Turn around and leave
And walk away
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Christmas With REO Speedwagon
Who knew that REO Speedwagon cut a Christmas album, so appropriately titled “Not So Silent Night”? Wishing you a very Merry Christmas (or whatever other winter solstice time celebration is observed under your particular belief system or lack thereof) and a happy, healthy and pale New Year, here’s the Hotel Melanoma rendition of “Deck The Halls”...
Check the moles with pals for folly
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
'Tis a reason to be jolly
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Don we now our ray apparel
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Mole’s the ancient U time peril
Fa, la, la, la, la, fa, la, la, la, la
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
See the braising fools before us
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Strike the dark and join pale chorus
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Scan we joyous, all together
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Fa, la, la, la, la, fa, la, la, la, la
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
We're gonna check the moles
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Come on now
Check the moles with pals for folly
'Tis a season to be jolly
Check the moles with pals for folly
'Tis a reason to be jolly
Come on check the moles with pals for folly
'Tis a reason to be jolly
Check the moles with pals for folly
Check the moles with pals for folly
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
'Tis a reason to be jolly
Check the moles with pals for folly
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
'Tis a reason to be jolly
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Don we now our ray apparel
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Mole’s the ancient U time peril
Fa, la, la, la, la, fa, la, la, la, la
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
See the braising fools before us
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Strike the dark and join pale chorus
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Scan we joyous, all together
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Fa, la, la, la, la, fa, la, la, la, la
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
We're gonna check the moles
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Come on now
Check the moles with pals for folly
'Tis a season to be jolly
Check the moles with pals for folly
'Tis a reason to be jolly
Come on check the moles with pals for folly
'Tis a reason to be jolly
Check the moles with pals for folly
Check the moles with pals for folly
Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
'Tis a reason to be jolly
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
I Need To Know
An excerpt from my very first blog post…
“I believe the medical profession and their patients live in alternate universes in terms of their conceptions and experiences of the passage of time. For a new cancer patient, the diagnostic process can’t ever move too fast; we want answers and we want them today, so let’s get on with it and complete all those scans etc. now. Unfortunately, for most of us it doesn’t work that way. Procedures and tests have to be scheduled in busy medical centers and insurance companies have to be contacted for authorizations. For the medical profession, the elapse of a week or so between major diagnostic events, plus a few more days before the results come in, is but a brief and inconsequential moment in time. To the scared patient (and his family) this is an eternity.
On one occasion during this time of what seemed to me to be glacial diagnostic work, I made the mistake of voicing my feelings to the clinic folks. Two rather blunt responses were elicited. One, if I thought I could get things done quicker elsewhere I was welcome to do that. Two, it won’t really matter if a few more diagnostic weeks elapse before starting treatment because it either works or it doesn’t.
I must confess to having said such things to pushy clients in the course of a busy law practice, and I now deeply regret my insensitivity.”
I’ll sign off for today with an ode to the oncologists who make us wait, to the tune of “I Need to Know” from Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers… Well talk on the street
Says you might go so slow
Some good friends of mine
Say their report’s in your Black Hole
I need to know, I need to know
If you think I’m gonna leave
Then you better say so
I need to know, I need to know
‘Cause I don't know how long I can hold on
When you're making me wait, when you're leavin' me long
I need to know
Who would've thought that
I'd fall for these fries
All of a sudden
It's C on the outside
I need to know, I need to know
If you think I’m gonna leave
Then you better say so
I need to know, I need to know
‘Cause I don't know how long I can hold on
When you're making me wait, when you're leavin' me long
I need to know
I need to know, I need to know
If you think I’m gonna leave
Then you better say so
I need to know, I need to know
‘Cause I don't know how long I can hold on
When you're making me wait, when you're leavin’ me long
I need to know
I need to know
I need to know
M.D., I need to know
“I believe the medical profession and their patients live in alternate universes in terms of their conceptions and experiences of the passage of time. For a new cancer patient, the diagnostic process can’t ever move too fast; we want answers and we want them today, so let’s get on with it and complete all those scans etc. now. Unfortunately, for most of us it doesn’t work that way. Procedures and tests have to be scheduled in busy medical centers and insurance companies have to be contacted for authorizations. For the medical profession, the elapse of a week or so between major diagnostic events, plus a few more days before the results come in, is but a brief and inconsequential moment in time. To the scared patient (and his family) this is an eternity.
On one occasion during this time of what seemed to me to be glacial diagnostic work, I made the mistake of voicing my feelings to the clinic folks. Two rather blunt responses were elicited. One, if I thought I could get things done quicker elsewhere I was welcome to do that. Two, it won’t really matter if a few more diagnostic weeks elapse before starting treatment because it either works or it doesn’t.
I must confess to having said such things to pushy clients in the course of a busy law practice, and I now deeply regret my insensitivity.”
I’ll sign off for today with an ode to the oncologists who make us wait, to the tune of “I Need to Know” from Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers… Well talk on the street
Says you might go so slow
Some good friends of mine
Say their report’s in your Black Hole
I need to know, I need to know
If you think I’m gonna leave
Then you better say so
I need to know, I need to know
‘Cause I don't know how long I can hold on
When you're making me wait, when you're leavin' me long
I need to know
Who would've thought that
I'd fall for these fries
All of a sudden
It's C on the outside
I need to know, I need to know
If you think I’m gonna leave
Then you better say so
I need to know, I need to know
‘Cause I don't know how long I can hold on
When you're making me wait, when you're leavin' me long
I need to know
I need to know, I need to know
If you think I’m gonna leave
Then you better say so
I need to know, I need to know
‘Cause I don't know how long I can hold on
When you're making me wait, when you're leavin’ me long
I need to know
I need to know
I need to know
M.D., I need to know
Friday, December 13, 2013
Lookin' At My Back Door
Ah, the joys of being a melanoma patient at an academic medical center. Yesterday I enjoyed not one, but two, truly “full body” melanoma screenings at my favorite university hospital’s dermatology clinic. The first was performed by a young female resident, who rather sheepishly inquired whether it was okay if she inspected my “bottom”. My response was that I could surely take it if she could. The second inspection was a team event, wherein said resident was joined by the faculty dermatologist and a pathologist. Various spots were marked, and then it was off to the Mole Rapping Room where half a dozen or so mole mug shots were taken and run through a melanoma detection software program, and then reviewed by the docs. The good news verdict was that nothing merited a biopsy for now, just watching, and I left with all the flesh I came with.
Wishing you all a similarly thorough and “no worries” experience on your next trip to the dermatologist, I’ll sign off with The Hotel Melanoma rendition of “Lookin’ Out My Back Door” from Creedence Clearwater Revival…
Just got home from doctor boys, lock the front door, oh joy!
Got to sit down, take a rest on the porch.
Imagination sets in, pretty soon I'm singin',
Woo, hoo, hoo, lookin' at my back door.
There's a wise doc doing smart spiels, a student wearin' high heels.
Look at all the happy screeners billing all along.
A dinosaur with ‘noma, wishin' to duck more ‘fun’.
Woo, hoo, hoo, lookin' at my back door.
Faculty and residents are playing in the band.
Won't you take ya hide to the mappin’ room?
Woo, hoo, hoo.
Wond'rous apparitions inspected by physicians.
Woo, hoo, hoo, lookin' at my back door.
Faculty and residents are playing in the band.
Won't you take ya hide to the mappin’ room?
Woo, hoo, hoo.
Biopsy tomorrow, today, my hide’s no sorrow.
Woo, hoo, hoo, lookin' at my back door.
No more troubles, doctor boys, lock the front door, oh joy!
Look at all the happy screeners billing all along.
Biopsy tomorrow, today, my hide’s no sorrow.
Woo, hoo, hoo, lookin' at my back door.
Wishing you all a similarly thorough and “no worries” experience on your next trip to the dermatologist, I’ll sign off with The Hotel Melanoma rendition of “Lookin’ Out My Back Door” from Creedence Clearwater Revival…
Just got home from doctor boys, lock the front door, oh joy!
Got to sit down, take a rest on the porch.
Imagination sets in, pretty soon I'm singin',
Woo, hoo, hoo, lookin' at my back door.
There's a wise doc doing smart spiels, a student wearin' high heels.
Look at all the happy screeners billing all along.
A dinosaur with ‘noma, wishin' to duck more ‘fun’.
Woo, hoo, hoo, lookin' at my back door.
Faculty and residents are playing in the band.
Won't you take ya hide to the mappin’ room?
Woo, hoo, hoo.
Wond'rous apparitions inspected by physicians.
Woo, hoo, hoo, lookin' at my back door.
Faculty and residents are playing in the band.
Won't you take ya hide to the mappin’ room?
Woo, hoo, hoo.
Biopsy tomorrow, today, my hide’s no sorrow.
Woo, hoo, hoo, lookin' at my back door.
No more troubles, doctor boys, lock the front door, oh joy!
Look at all the happy screeners billing all along.
Biopsy tomorrow, today, my hide’s no sorrow.
Woo, hoo, hoo, lookin' at my back door.
Monday, December 9, 2013
A Gift That Keeps On Giving
Now here’s an idea for solving that Christmas conundrum of figuring out what to give a loved one who is fortunate enough to have no needs or wants. Give them an appointment with your favorite dermatologist to get a thorough skin check. It just might be the gift that keeps on giving: early detection before melanoma has cut loose. Can’t you just imagine the surprise and joy you’ll see on their face on Christmas morning when they open up that gift envelope and find, instead of a crisp large denomination bill or gift card, your dermatologist’s business card with an appointment date on the back!?
To the tune of The Eagles’ “Please Come Home For Christmas”…
Bells will be ringing this glad, glad news,
Oh, what a Christmas to have pale hues,
My Ray C’s gone, I have mole friends,
To wish C screenings once again,
Choirs will be singing frying’s fright,
Reverend Carol’s my chaplain bright,
Please check moles for Christmas,
Please check moles for Christmas,
If not for Christmas, by New Year's night,
Friends in Mole Nation send pals to fav ones,
Sure as their scars hide from sun,
Yes this is Christmas,
Yes, Christmas, my dear,
It's the time of year to screen with the ones you love,
So won't you tell me you’ll check all your moles?
Skin mass and new fears won’t find a home,
There'll be no more sorrow, no grief and pain,
And I'll be happy, happy once again,
Ooh, there'll be no more sorrow, no grief and pain,
And I'll be happy, Christmas once again.
To the tune of The Eagles’ “Please Come Home For Christmas”…
Bells will be ringing this glad, glad news,
Oh, what a Christmas to have pale hues,
My Ray C’s gone, I have mole friends,
To wish C screenings once again,
Choirs will be singing frying’s fright,
Reverend Carol’s my chaplain bright,
Please check moles for Christmas,
Please check moles for Christmas,
If not for Christmas, by New Year's night,
Friends in Mole Nation send pals to fav ones,
Sure as their scars hide from sun,
Yes this is Christmas,
Yes, Christmas, my dear,
It's the time of year to screen with the ones you love,
So won't you tell me you’ll check all your moles?
Skin mass and new fears won’t find a home,
There'll be no more sorrow, no grief and pain,
And I'll be happy, happy once again,
Ooh, there'll be no more sorrow, no grief and pain,
And I'll be happy, Christmas once again.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
The Skin Doc Blues
I’m sort of overdue to see various medics at my favorite cancer center, and I don’t wanna go. I guess I’m just weary of the drill after ten-plus years at The Hotel Melanoma. Feeling perfectly fine with no symptoms to report, I’m not convinced that I really need a couple of expensive, drive-by clinical examinations to confirm my learned medical opinion that there’s nothing amiss in my innards or outards. So I just may blow it all off until after the holidays. But I probably won’t. Any checkup naggers out there? Anyone?
Until next time, I’ll sign off with The Hotel Melanoma rendition of Dean Martin’s “The Christmas Blues”…
The jingle bells are jingling
My skin is white as snow
The tan-freak crowds are mingling
But there's no sun that I know
I'm sure that you'll forgive me
If I don't enthuse
I guess I've got the skin doc blues
I've done my skin check hawking
There's not a mole I've missed
So what's the use of doc thing
When there's no sun on your list
You'll know the way I'm feeling
When you sun and you lose
I guess I've got the skin doc blues
When young body wants U
Young body needs U
Skin tan is a joy of joy
But friends when you're moley
You'll find that it's only
A thing for foolish girls and foolish boys
May all your days be merry
Your seasons full of cheer
But 'til it's January
I'll just go and disappear
Oh tanning may have brought you some scars for your hues
And tanning only brought me the blues
Those UV-ravaged sunscreen covered skin doc blues
Oh tanning may have brought you some scars for your hues
And tanning only brought me the blues
Those UV-ravaged sunscreen covered skin doc blues
Until next time, I’ll sign off with The Hotel Melanoma rendition of Dean Martin’s “The Christmas Blues”…
The jingle bells are jingling
My skin is white as snow
The tan-freak crowds are mingling
But there's no sun that I know
I'm sure that you'll forgive me
If I don't enthuse
I guess I've got the skin doc blues
I've done my skin check hawking
There's not a mole I've missed
So what's the use of doc thing
When there's no sun on your list
You'll know the way I'm feeling
When you sun and you lose
I guess I've got the skin doc blues
When young body wants U
Young body needs U
Skin tan is a joy of joy
But friends when you're moley
You'll find that it's only
A thing for foolish girls and foolish boys
May all your days be merry
Your seasons full of cheer
But 'til it's January
I'll just go and disappear
Oh tanning may have brought you some scars for your hues
And tanning only brought me the blues
Those UV-ravaged sunscreen covered skin doc blues
Oh tanning may have brought you some scars for your hues
And tanning only brought me the blues
Those UV-ravaged sunscreen covered skin doc blues
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