The "Hotel Melanoma" moniker is a metaphor for living with my particular brand of cancer. Except for those lucky few of us deemed "cured", all we cancer survivors are guests of one of the many, many branded hotels in the "Hotel Carcinoma" chain. We can check out any time we like, but we can never leave. Meanwhile, let's be livin' it up; and please support cancer education, prevention, and treatment research.

Tutu Brothers

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

How To Play Golf With Melanoma

Some rather intriguing Google search queries lead to hits on this blog. A recent example is “how to play golf with melanoma”. The simple answer? Nothing like I play the game, unless you’re about to turn 60 like me and have aspirations to shoot your age in only nine holes and find fishing balls out of water hazards to be a relaxing hobby. Although you would do well to follow my lead in being the palest guy on the course. (If I played naked, and to the great relief of my playing partners I don’t, I could disappear in a white sand bunker.) Buy yourself some SPF golf duds, put some sunscreen in your bag and reapply it before you hit the back nine, and wear a cap and sunglasses. Otherwise, by the time you reach my advanced age you’ll have skin that looks like suitable raw material for a golf club grip.

Hoping I’ve answered at least some of this searcher’s questions, I’ll sign off with the Hotel Melanoma rendition of John Mellencamp’s “Rumble Seat”…

All the leaves are green
All my trends are wrong
I'm swingin' in my mole gown
I can barely get along
I feel sorry for myself
That's an easy thing to do
I feel sorry for the world
I feel sorry for you
Yes I am a pitiful sight
I can't even get one swing right

I know just what it's like
To be hidin' from the sun in ‘screen
Yes I know just what it's like
To be a big time rider on the bogey streak

Well I could have a nervous breakdown
But I don't believe in shrinks
I should be drunker than a monkey
But I don't golf and drink
Call pro for cures
But I'm afraid of his tone
I'm always talkin' to myself
I guess I'm never alone
Am I the only one that feels this way
I'd buy myself some stylish clothes
But I sure hate to pay

I know just what it's like
To be hidin' from the sun in ‘screen
Yes I know just what it's like
To be a big time rider on the bogey streak

The sun is shining up
Just goin' to tenth
I lost five balls in the willows
Still got some dreams left
The back nine is a new day
Gonna make these dreams come true
I'm gonna believe in myself
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna stop puttin' myself down
I'm gonna turn my slice around

I'll be hidin’ hide
With my ‘screen kicked up in the sun and heat
Yeah I’ll go for a drive
And I'll be swingin' hot some from that forward tee
Yes I'll show you a whiff
And I’ll be ridin' big time on my bogey streak

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