Tutus Are Made For Walking

Yo, melanoma! You’ve been messing with the wrong people and one of these days we’re gonna walk all over you. So, Mr. ‘Just Skin Cancer’, get ready for a stomping. Because it’s coming. Soon.

For all of you who’ve participated in melanoma fundraising walks and runs this year, and especially for the melahomie who roped me into walking (again) this weekend in a black tutu, here’s The Hotel Melanoma rendition of one of the worst songs of the 60’s, Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots Are Made For Walking”…



You keep saying you got something for we
Something you call ‘love’ but just guess
You've been a'messin' where you shouldn't 've been a'messin'
And now someone else is getting all your ‘best’
Well, tutus are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
One of these days these dudes are gonna walk all over you

You keep tryin' when you oughta be losin'
You keep ‘busin’ friends you oughta not get
You keep preyin' when you oughta be a'prayin’
What's right is right but you ain't been right yet
Tutus are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
One of these days these dudes are gonna walk all over you

You keep preying where you shouldn't be preying
And you keep thinking that you'll never get burnt (HAH)
Well, I've just found me some brand new oncs with matches (YEAH)
And what they know you ain't had time to learn
Tutus are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
One of these days these dudes are gonna walk all over you

Are you ready, dudes?
Start walkin'

Legs

This coming Saturday I’ll be participating in my second AIM For The Cure Melanoma Walk in Charlotte, North Carolina. I’d be tickled black to have folks sponsor me, or somebody, but next weekend is more about fellowship than fundraising. For example, the melahomie who surreptitiously took this picture at last year’s walk is one of the folks I’m really looking forward to seeing again. Although I won’t let her get behind me again during the walk.

For my fellow Man in Black, and all who will be there in person or in spirit, The Hotel Melanoma rendition of ZZ Top’s “Legs”…



They got legs, they know how to use them
They never beg, they know how to woo skins
They only let you wonder how to feel them
Would you get behind them if you could only find them
Feel like ladies, feel like ladies
Yeah, it's all right

They got dare down to their fanny
They got a dress slit right up to their manlies
Every time they prancin' they know what to do
Everybody wants to see, see if C can lose it
C’s so ‘fine’, C’s all mine
Cure, you got it right

They got legs, they know how to use them
They never beg, they know how to woo skins
C stalks the hide all of the time
Stays out of sight movin' through time
Oh, I want cure, said I got to have cure
The cure is so nigh, C’s all fright

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

This month marks my tenth anniversary of completing the biochemotherapy treatments that still have me on the preferred side of the grass. (Although when I play golf I spend a lot of time on “the beach”.) With thanks to the fine docs who did me the great service of referring me to melanoma specialists for a treatment regimen that wasn’t available locally and with gratitude for the merry band of medics at the University of Colorado Hospital who got me through that wild ride, here’s the Hotel Melanoma rendition of Bonnie Raitt’s “Love Me Like A Man”…



The docs that I've been seeing, baby
Got them nodes out on a shelf
They know they could never drug me
So they sent me to somewhere else

But I need someone to drug me
Someone to really understand
Who can put himself above C
Who’ll just drug me with a plan

I never seen such ‘fusers darlin’
Even though I tried…
…to find docs fine who can get me home
’stead of taking me for a ride

And I need someone to drug me
I know you can
Believe me when I tell you
You can drug me like a man

Oh they want me to rock meds
So my Black ain't got no home
I want a plan to block C
Like my… Black mole was his own
Baby, I know you can
Believe me when I tell you
You can drug me like a man

I come home bad and boney
Feel like I wanna die
I need someone to scold C
Not some fools who’d let me die

And I need someone to drug me
Doctor I know you can

Won't you put yourself above C
You just drug me like you can

Whines of Passion

It’s been brought to my attention that I haven’t butchered a classic country song for quite some time. So here goes. Once again showing my age, to the tune of Hank Williams’ “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry”…



Fear that loathsome tan bed shill
C sounds too blue to try
The skin fright pain is whining low
I'm so molesome I can’t fry

I've never seen a fright so long
When hide shows mauling fries
This loon just went behind sun shroud
To hide from rays, can’t fry

Did you ever see a doctor cheap
When Beast began to fly?
Like me C’s got the will to live
I'm so molesome I can’t fry

The vi’lence of biopsy scars
Fired up from youthful fries
And as I wonder where U are
I'm so molesome I can’t fry

The Sunshine of My Life

Several Facebook melahomies shared some sobering melanoma survival statistics yesterday, which pegged my odds of living this long at 24%. And I’m planning on surviving The Beast a whole lot longer and doing my part to contribute to the insolvency of the Social Security and Medicare ‘trust funds’. So screw you, melanoma!

Just for grins, another song to melanoma to the tune of Stevie Wonder’s “You Are The Sunshine of My Life”…



You are the sunshine of my life
That's why you’ll always be around
You are the battle of my fries
Forever you'll stay in my parts

I feel like this is the beginning
Though I've fought you for a million years
And if I thought our ‘love’ was ending
I'd find myself frowning with my own fears

You are the sunshine of my life
That's why you’ll always stay around
You are the battle of my fries
Forever you'll stay in my parts

You must have known that I was molely
Because you came to my red hue
And I know that this must be heaven
How could so much ‘fun’ be inside of you?

You are the sunshine of my life, yeah
That's why you’ll always stay around
You are the battle of my fries
Forever you'll stay in my parts