Law Jive

Not that I’d ever get involved in such mischief, but I heard about a number of my molemates peppering a tanning salon chain’s Facebook page with some ‘public service announcements’ regarding the known link between indoor tanning and melanoma. This got me to wondering about the products liability legal issues arising from tanning bed usage, so I did a brief bit of Googling.

Before I “talk law”, let me set a few things straight. I’m a retired lawyer, in a blissful state of “one day at a time” recovery from the profession. I am NOT giving legal advice. Nor am I suggesting that anyone should remotely consider retaining my legal services if I wasn’t retired-- I was to the courtroom what Deputy Sheriff Barney Fife was to law enforcement. And since personal injury law was not what I did for a living, I hereby disclaim having any expertise whatsoever in this field.

But here’s the scoop. Where medical research goes, plaintiffs’ lawyers quickly follow. So with all of the published medical evidence showing a direct causal link between indoor tanning and a greatly increased risk and incidence of melanoma, particularly among women under age 40, it should come as no surprise to anyone that there are a lot of personal injury plaintiffs’ lawyers out there who seem to be quite interested in bringing products liability claims against tanning bed manufacturers and tanning salons. (At least one of these enterprising lawyers has suggested that tanning beds are “the new cigarette”, and class-action lawyers may go after the indoor tanning industry like they did the tobacco industry.) Theories of liability include the “strict liability” claim that tanning beds are inherently “defective”, liability based on the failure to provide adequate warning of the potential dangers of tanning bed use, and false advertising claims based on misrepresentations concerning the supposed safety of indoor tanning.

My guess is that the industry defends such suits with the time-honored “blame some other guy” defense, arguing that the plaintiff’s melanoma was caused by genetic factors and outdoor tanning, in an effort to deflect the medical evidence linking indoor tanning to melanoma. But that’s the stuff of which lawsuits are made.

So, if your dermatologist or oncologist has ever told you they think your indoor tanning history has something to do with causing your melanoma, you just might want to consider seeking a case evaluation from a first-rate personal injury lawyer with experience in bringing products liability lawsuits against the indoor tanning industry. Just sayin’…

A Commercial Break

I don’t know about you, but I kind of enjoyed watching my local NFL team play the other day without the pink shoes and stuff (and actually win for a change). And I couldn’t help but notice that the official awareness colors for November’s ‘cancers of the month’ were conspicuously absent from Sunday’s NFL games.

Don’t get me wrong, pink cancer is a nasty beast and I hate it as much as I do every other cancer. Like nearly everyone, I know women who are fighting this damn disease and my hat goes off (in the shade) to the millions of folks who participate in fundraising events like the “Race For The Cure”. (And I hope they all wore sunscreen during the events.) But I find the degree of commercialization of this cause just a little bit annoying, and perhaps counterproductive, and there are a lot of breast cancer survivors and breast cancer awareness organizations that agree. Does every product that carries a pink ribbon truly benefit this good cause to any significant degree, or is some of this just a rather cynical marketing ploy to boost sales?

But hey, I’ll be the first guy to be ‘tickled black’ in the unlikely event some professional sports organization adopts melanoma next May. (Women’s Pro Beach Volleyball would fall quite high on my list of preferred sponsors.) If that’s the game we need to play, count me all in.

That’s more than enough venting for today, so I’ll sign off with a new version of John Mellencamp’s “Pink Houses”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOfkpu6749w


He’s a pale man with the black C livin' like a black warrior should
He's got a bigscreen tube showin’ all those hits hard
You see he knows that he's got it so good
And there's a lineman wearin’ pink shoes missin' all his assigned slots
And he looks at him and says, "Hey darlin', I can remember when
you could make a block."

Oh but ain't that America where pink’s the creed
Ain't that America nothin’s for free baby
Ain't that America home of the greed
Little pink ribbons that ain’t for we

There's a boomer in a blue gown
Hooked up to a chemo pumpin' station
He's got queasy stare, queasy smile
He says, "Lord this can’t be my destination."
'Cause they told me when I was younger
"Boy you wanna be tanner yet."
But just like everything else those old crazy dreams
Just kinda came and went

Oh but ain't that America where pink’s the creed
Ain't that America nothin’s for free baby
Ain't that America home of the greed
Little pink ribbons that ain’t for we

Well there's people and more people
Where do they go, go, go
Go to hear all those pink cries
And go walkin’ down at the race for cancer blows
Ooh yeah
And there's winners and there's losers
But this ain't no small deal
'Cause the sponsor man baby pays for the thrills, the bills,
the pills that kill

Oh but ain't that America where pink’s the creed
Ain't that America nothin’s for free baby
Ain't that America home of the greed
Little pink ribbons that ain’t for we

There Must Be Some Way Out Of Here

Every time I have a checkup with the melanoma doc, I walk in hoping that I’ll walk out with some sort of certificate of graduation and lifetime warranty that is my ticket out of the Hotel Melanoma. I know that’s not going to happen, but am nevertheless convinced I’d be foolish not to hope. Meanwhile, with another winter storm approaching, I think I’ll hunker down, call room service, and order in.

My fractured version of Bob Dylan’s “All Along The Watchtower”...



“There must be some way out of here" said the patient ‘bout this grief
"There's too much infusion", I can't get no relief
Toxic meds, they fill my line, surgeons look for worst
All of us among our kind know what any suntan’s not worth.

"No reason to get excited", the doc he kindly spoke
"There are many here among us who feel your life’s not lost all hope
’Cause you and I, we've been through that, and this is not your fate
So let us not talk deeply now, more patients and I’m late".

All along these Hotel halls, doctors scanned anew
While all the nurses came and went, barefoot patients, too.

Outside in the distance a pink crowd did howl
Pink runners were approaching, we black began to growl.

“There must be some way out of here" said the patient ‘bout this thief
"There's too much confusion", I can't get no relief
Cancer docs, they think I’m fine, bring me down to Earth
All of us among our kind know what any doc’s guess is worth.

"No reason to get all frighted", the doc he kindly spoke
"There are many here among us who feel your life’s not lost all hope
”Cause you and I, we've been through that, and this is not your fate
So let us not talk falsely now, your skin is looking great".

All along these Hotel halls, patients share their news
Since all the suntans came and went, pale is cool for you.

Outside in the distance a skin doc did growl
Fool tanners were still broasting, our crowd began to howl.

Rollin' On The Sunscreen

Just my version of Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Proud Mary”…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gpqz3cdVPLM


Found some good docs at the clinic,
Lookin' at those scans ev'ry night and day,
And I never lost one minute of fusin',
Worryin' 'bout the way cells might have spread.

Big Earth keeps on turnin',
Proud boomer stopped his burnin',
Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the sunscreen.

Had a lot of scans in Denver,
Pumped a lot of meds down into my veins,
But I never saw the good side of this cancer,
'Til I saved my hide from the UV burn pain.

Big Earth keeps on turnin',
Proud boomer stopped his burnin',
Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the sunscreen.

Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the sunscreen.

If you come down to the clinic,
Bet they gonna find some bad moles on skin.
You don't have to worry 'cause those spots look funny,
Doctors at the clinic got scalpels real thin.

Big Earth keeps on turnin',
Proud boomer stopped his burnin',
Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the sunscreen.

Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the sunscreen.
Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the sunscreen.
Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the sunscreen.

A Rolling Stone

I saw my doc a week or so ago, and heard what I’ve been hearing for quite some time. While everything looks just fine right now, there’s no guarantee melanoma won’t crop up in some internal organ. So, I sometimes wish I could implant what’s left of my brain into an android body and starting seeing a cyber mechanic for maintenance rather than an oncologist. But since that ain’t happening, I guess I should just be thankful for how far I’ve come.

So, I’ll sign off with a new version of Bob Dylan’s “Like A Rolling Stone”…



Once upon a time you tanned so fine,
Had some burns at times in your prime, didn't you?
Skin docs’d call, say, "Beware Sol, you're bound to fall,"
You thought they were all a’kiddin' you.
You used to laugh about
Everybody that was palin' out.
Now you don't talk so loud,
Now you don't seem so proud,
About having to be paler less you squeal.

How does it feel?
How does it feel?
With Hotel M your home?
Like a complete unknown?
Like a rolling stone?

Aw, you've gone to the finest docs all right, you boomer,
But you know you only used to get ‘fused for it.
Nobody’s ever taught you how to go out in sunscreen,
And now you're gonna have to get used to it.
You say you’ll never compromise
With this mystery C, but now you realize
Doc's not selling any alibis
As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes
And say, “Can you someday make me heal?

How does it feel?
How does it feel?
Hotel M’s now home?
With no prognosis known?
A complete unknown?
Like a rolling stone?

Aw, you never turned around to see the frowns
On the doctors in their gowns
When they all did tricks for you.
You never understood that sun ain't no good,
You shouldn't let tanning salons get their kicks with you.
You used to tan on a chaise lounge with no ‘screen or hat
You bronzed out on your shoulders where freckles sat.
Ain't it hard when you discover that
Tan really wasn't where it's at
After it took from you everything it could steal?

How does it feel?
How does it feel?
Hotel M’s now your home?
With no prognosis known?
Like a complete unknown?
Like a rolling stone?

Aw, pink is on the steeple and all the football people
They're all pinkin', thinkin' that there’s sales to make.
Receiving all precious gifts,
But you'd better wear your blackest things, you'd better flaunt it babe.
You used to be so confused
‘Cause oncologists are drags with the language that they used.
Go to them now, they scan you, you can't refuse.
When you do have something, you’ve got something to lose
C’s invisible now, it’s got some secrets to conceal.

How does it feel?
Aw, how does it feel?
To make C your own?
With no prognosis known?
Like a complete unknown?
Like a rolling stone?