Ban The Golf Tan

I quite often amaze myself on the golf course. And, when I do, it’s almost never a good thing. As an inconsistent ball-striker who’s always one bad swing or ill-advised club selection away from a scoring disaster, I’m quite capable of following up a birdie with a triple bogey. Several of the better players in my Extremely Senior Golf League carry GPS devices and, in a gesture of gentlemanly sportsmanship, they’ll tell me the exact yardage from my current lie (often in deep rough) to the pin. This would be useful information if only I had a clue how far I’ll hit any particular club at any given moment, but I don’t. Take yesterday, for example, when I sailed an unusually well-struck 6-iron over a green and into a thick grove of Ponderosa pines, leading to a double bogey on a relatively easy par 3 hole. Oy.

But at least I’ve learned how not to sport a melanoma-inducing bad golf tan like those depicted above. Which I can’t say for all too many of the players for whom GPS distance finders are useful tools for lowering one’s score. Please, please wear your sunscreen when out on the links, folks, because you really won’t like it here at The Hotel Melanoma.

To the tune of Journey’s “Any Way You Want It”…



Any day you golfin’
That's the day you ‘screen skin
Any day you golfin’

C loves to chaff
C loves to zing
C does perishing

C loves to move
C loves to groove
C loves the blushing skins

Oh, all white, all white
Oh, every site
So ‘screen right, ‘screen right
Oh, baby, bold white

Oh, he said
"Any day you golfin’
That's the day you ‘screen skin
Any day you golfin’"
(any day you golfin’)
He said, "Any day you golfin’
That's the day you ‘screen skin
Any day you golfin’"

I was duff prone, I never knew
What good clubs could do
When I clutched
When I swang, about the rough all spring

Oh, all white, all white
Oh, every site
So ‘screen right, ‘screen right
Oh baby, bold white

Oh, he said
"Any day you golfin’
That's the day you ‘screen skin
Any day you golfin’"
(any day you golfin’)
I said "Any day you golfin’
That's the day you ‘screen skin
Any day you golfin’"

He said, "Ooh, hole’s long, hole’s long, hole’s long"

Oh, he said
"Any day you golfin
’ That's the day you ‘screen skin
Any day you golfin’"
(Any day you golfin’)

Any day you golfin’
That's the day you ‘screen skin
Any day you golfin’
(Any day you golfin’)