Jargon-free Rock

I really do like nearly all of the doctors I’ve seen since checking into The Hotel Melanoma, and there’ve been a squadron of them if you count the tag-along residents. But every once in a while a doc will say something just a little bit clueless and drive me crazy. Like the one who told me about ten days after I’d completed biochemotherapy that “You certainly don’t look as good as you say you feel”. True, I’m sure, but why would you ever say that to your patient?

I’m really not asking for much. One, I have a name so please use it when referring to me. My mama didn’t name me “The Patient”. Two, talk to me straight and in layman’s terms. I’m a big boy and can handle bad news, and I’m not stupid; I just didn’t go to medical school and learn to speak medical jargon. And three, lighten up and let your personality and emotions show through the white lab coat armor. I don’t think it’d be “unprofessional” of you to share a laugh or a tear with your patient.

For all of the fine docs who don’t drive me crazy, here’s The Hotel Melanoma rendition of John Mellencamp’s “I Need a Lover”…



I need a doctor that won't drive me crazy
I need a doctor that won't drive me crazy
I need a doctor that won't drive me crazy
Some cure that shows the meaning of a
“Hey hit the highway”

Well I've been walkin' the halls up and down
Pacing through the clinic jungles in fright
I'm so confused, my mind is indifferent
Hey I'm so weak, won't somebody shut off that light

Mean toxicity runs through the IV pole
And I watch it from this hole I call home
And all we ‘homies are dancin' ‘round the IV poles
And I got the cure brawling C up here
Tonight mel is blown

I need a doctor that won't drive me crazy
Some cure to chill me and mel go away
I need a doctor that won't drive me crazy
Some cure that shows the meaning of a
“Hey hit the highway”

Now I'm not wiped out by this Hotel life I'm living
I'm gonna get this prob, win this duel, and head back home
And I'm not askin' to be loved or be forgiven
Hey I just can't face bakin' skin, its red gloom
One more frightful mole

I need a doctor that won't drive me crazy
I need a doctor that won't drive me crazy
I need a doctor that won't drive me crazy
Some cure that shows the meaning of a
“Hey hit the highway”

I need a doctor that won't drive me crazy
Some cure to chill me and mel go away
I need a doctor that won't drive me crazy
Some cure that shows the meaning of a
“Hey hit the highway”
We’ll getcha